Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Trump’s Botched “Some of My Best Friends Are Black” History Breakfast


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump hosted a breakfast event on Wednesday to commemorate the start of Black History Month. The tense and awkward affair demonstrated yet another departure from the previous administration, illustrating just how white the current White House has become. Trump often found himself confused about the facts surrounding key African American icons. At one point, the president mistook fictional “Star Trek” Communications Officer Nyota Uhura for the “first black female astronaut,” then further confounded attendees when he conflated the character with Rosa Parks, demanding to know why the captain made her “sit in the back of the bridge.”

Whitewashing Black History

During his opening remarks, Trump directed most of the commentary toward his relationship with Ben Carson, whom he appointed to run the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) in early December. Trump’s transition team explained at the time that Carson was uniquely qualified to lead HUD as “the only urban person Mr. Trump knows and is not frightened by.”

Trump praised the African American community as hard working, sacrificing and strong in their faith toward America’s progress. He then explained his rare foray into largely black communities, accompanied by an equally nervous Carson.

“I’ve gotten a real glimpse during the campaign; I’d go around with Uncle Ben, that’s what we call him around the cabin, to a lot of places that I wasn’t so familiar with,” Trump said. “They’re incredible people. Large, intimidating, incredibly big people. But I had Ben with me, so I wasn’t as scared. And I sat in the back of the limo with him, as Steve Bannon advised me to, so that the ‘monkeys would stay on their porches and not chuck their spears,’ as Steve put it.”

Carson also admitted feeling out of his element. “It was disconcerting. I don’t know how these cretins live, or how they tolerate the grime and squalor of their lives,” he remarked to reporters. “I’ve played GTA 5; I assume it’s like that.”

After the president’s failed “some of my best friends are black” approach, the breakfast degenerated into a befuddling swirl of inaccurate and seemingly improvised “accomplishments” of famous African Americans.

“I love the blacks,” Trump said. “Love them. Just lovely people. Like Harriet Tubman and Rosa Parks and Frederick Douglass -- all the great blacks, the Baptist kind, not the Muslim kind, who weren’t scaring police with their ‘our lives matter more than yours’ aggression or shooting up inner cities or burning down plantations or abetting known criminals.”

In discussing the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Trump stunned the audience when he waxed poetic about the civil rights leader as the founder of the Protestant Church in 1517. The president delivered an impassioned and generally incoherent speech about Luther leading one of the most dynamic reformation movements against a global establishment in history, when he nailed 95 disputes against the Catholic stronghold on the doors of the All Saints’ Church in Wittenberg.

“Martin Luther was a great man,” Trump gushed. “I grew up following his teachings. His religious values are a big-league part of my character. And like me, he also defied critics and took on a big government leviathan and prevailed.”

Trump likewise seemed uncertain about the identify of Frederick Douglass, an escaped slave and influential abolitionist. “Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who has done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice,” Trump said at one point. “He’s a real up-and-comer. I’ve got my eye on him. We anticipate great things to come.”

It was at that moment, as CNN observed, that Trump again brought the conversation back to dishonest journalists: “Trump then launched into another attack on an erroneous report that a bust of Martin Luther King. Jr. had been removed from the Oval Office.”

Black History Month Becomes Rant Against Black-Hearted Press

Trump ultimately used the gathering as a platform to discuss his victimization by the press and “treasonous” staffers with unofficial Twitter accounts. The most recent came from minority members of the custodial staff, who timed their site launch to coincide with the breakfast.

In their account, Alt WH Custodial, members describe themselves as the “Unofficial resistance team of White House Custodial Staff. Leaks from the Brown people who clean Trump’s White House, incl. the leaks he pays sex workers for.”

Alt WH Custodial Tweets

It has already drawn the ire of the president, who has demanded staffers to delete the feed, identify the workers and “deport them back to MexicoAfricaStan or wherever the hell they came from.” Some of the more sensitive and degrading tweets reveal uncomfortable personal moments for Trump:

”Just caught Bannon reprimanding PEOTUS for drinking out of the bidet. Again.”

“Overheard Trump asking Priebus if ‘farts are supposed to have lumps in them.’”

“Maid accidentally called Trump a ‘puta.’ He jumped out of his chair and said, ‘Is Vlad here already?’”

As for the alleged removal of the Martin Luther King statue, a false account was published but immediately retracted, accompanied by an official apology. Still, Trump found himself compelled to recall the issue during the breakfast.

“It turned out that that was fake news,” Trump said. “But they said the statue, the bust, of Dr. Martin Luther King was taken out of the office. And it was never even touched. Believe me, I wouldn’t touch that thing with Ben Carson’s hand. Not in million years. You never know. I could catch the AIDS. So I think it was a disgrace, but that’s the way the press it. It’s very unfortunate.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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