Thursday, October 30, 2014

Have the Best Conservative Halloween Ever: San Narciso County Safety Tips

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday event for children in San Narciso County. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating All Hallow’s Eve, have been engaging in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a no-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which, in light of the Ebola scare, will be considered not only a biohazard but a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you and yours have the best Halloween ever!

Friday, October 24, 2014

Tea Party Declares SoCal Haunted House the Scariest in America

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For a fourth consecutive year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce will host the community’s annual Haunted House Spooktacular, which opens Friday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. In years past, the event has drawn more police and paramedics than Halloween thrill-seekers. The 2013 Spooktacular was shuttered after three short hours of operation. Problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. The theme for last season’s ghastly tour was “Death Panel: American Nightmares,” a politically charged horror show that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism and forced euthanasia unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan serving as a U.S. president. Undaunted, the Chamber of Commerce will push forward this week with a new attraction that the local Tea Party chapter has deemed the scariest, most prophetic nightmare any conservative who cherishes family values, Jesus, patriotism and legal citizenship status will experience this All Hallow’s Eve.

Friday, October 17, 2014

RNC Leaks Documents Sent to Press about True Nature of Ebola Threat: Scary, Will Kill Your Children

“The Republican Party is fighting for a freer and stronger America where everyone has the opportunity to achieve the American Dream without dying from Ebola” ~ Reince Priebus

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The United States has only been in the throes of this domestic Ebola scare for a couple of weeks, but media sources reveal that the coverage has already topped the relentless reporting of past doomsday-worthy scenarios such as the Boston Marathon bombing or the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Some media watchdogs claim that over 7,000 references to the dangers of Ebola have made their way on air this week alone. Yet liberal organizations have derided such journalists as Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and every Fox News pundit for failing to properly educate citizens about the real nature of the threat. “The result is a frightening level of misinformation about Ebola and a deep lack of understanding of the virus by most Americans,” Media Matters for America wrote Friday. And that’s why RNC Chairman Reince Priebus has leaked information sent to press outlets by the GOP, which seeks to correct misleading reporting by doctors, health officials, liberal politicians and leftist media.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Study Says Child Drowns in Pool Every Five Days, Cursed Child’s Parents Completely Freaked Out

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween is almost upon us, but here in Southern California the high temperatures still remind one of summer. Families across San Narciso County, over 90 percent of whom own pools, continue to refresh themselves with a cool swim while awaiting the first autumn chills to arrive. But child safety experts want to remind parents of the dangers associated with pools, particularly now that the surreal season of spooks and hauntings is upon us. According to a creepy study published by the Center for Injury Prevention at San Narciso Children’s Hospital, a child dies in a portable pool every five days. And while the study’s authors say the statistic demonstrates the need for consumer education and affordable protection devices, the child’s distressed parents are demanding an explanation from scientists as to how their son, Russ, continues to drown once a week and then somehow resurrect.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Liberals and Tea Partiers Protest Columbus Day Celebration: Too Racist and Not Racist Enough

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Yesterday, many U.S. citizens observed the arrival of Christopher Columbus to American shores, a voyage that concluded on October 12, 1492. The holiday has been celebrated unofficially since the late 18th century, and officially in various areas since the early 20th century. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies have bolstered the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration. This year, however, Mayor Manny DiPresso has increased security after receiving word that a group of demonstrators -- primarily historians from the college -- plans to protest the ceremony.

Copyright © 2014 The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript. Template Designed by OddThemes - WP Themes