Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Study Says Child Drowns in Pool Every Five Days, Cursed Child’s Parents Completely Freaked Out

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween is almost upon us, but here in Southern California the high temperatures still remind one of summer. Families across San Narciso County, over 90 percent of whom own pools, continue to refresh themselves with a cool swim while awaiting the first autumn chills to arrive. But child safety experts want to remind parents of the dangers associated with pools, particularly now that the surreal season of spooks and hauntings is upon us. According to a creepy study published by the Center for Injury Prevention at San Narciso Children’s Hospital, a child dies in a portable pool every five days. And while the study’s authors say the statistic demonstrates the need for consumer education and affordable protection devices, the child’s distressed parents are demanding an explanation from scientists as to how their son, Russ, continues to drown once a week and then somehow resurrect.

“The primary method of prevention is constant adult supervision, supplemented by barriers, alarms and other related devices,” said Archibald Smith, the doctor overseeing the research team at the hospital. “We encourage homeowners to purchase additional layers of protection and to be more mindful of their children’s activities.”

But Philip Wiedergeburt, the father of the seemingly immortal boy, said pool safety was now the least of his concerns: “What the hell are these doctors yammering about? Christ Almighty, Russ drowned and then came back to life. I don’t know squat about CPR. He just, just, I don’t know...he resurrected like that Lazer guy in the Bible.”

In a baffling scenario that seems equal parts “Groundhog’s Day” and “The Walking Dead,” little Russ appears immune to the mortal dangers most of us face. Even worse, his troubled parents claim, he now routinely harms himself on a whim to see what will happen.

“Last night I caught him sitting in the pool with a toaster,” Phil Wiedergeburt said. “No pulse. He’d eaten glass, sucked down a bottle of chlorine and was watching ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’ on the portable TV -- the complete series! No human could survive all that. But then, a minute later, he popped back to life and asked if I could find Rush Limbaugh on the radio. It ain’t natural what he’s doing to us. I got church groups banging down my door at all hours now. And when I asked the Children’s Hospital for help, they told me not to worry unless he’s managed to catch Ebola.”

The doctor overseeing the case said his group will continue to monitor Russ’ behavior and check for possible Ebola symptoms, which “the hospital believes are so virulent, apocalyptic and fatal that the boy will not be able to cheat death as he’s been able to with poisons, drownings, blunt instruments and conventional weapons.” Still, the hospital is seeking permission from Russ’ parents to infect the child with Ebola. Dr. Smith has also opened an investigation to see if other children in the vicinity are experiencing similar phenomena, and what connection this postmortem resurrection could have to Ebola.

“It’s no secret that Ebola will eventually wipe out the human race,” Smith explained. “But if a child like Russ can rise from the grave after losing his battle with this unstoppable virus, we may have a chance to preserve the human race -- even if it’s just a mindless society of brainless zombies cannibalizing one another. That’s still hope.”

2014. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.