Thursday, October 30, 2014

Have the Best Conservative Halloween Ever: San Narciso County Safety Tips


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday event for children in San Narciso County. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating All Hallow’s Eve, have been engaging in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a no-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which, in light of the Ebola scare, will be considered not only a biohazard but a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you and yours have the best Halloween ever!

Don’t: Hogging

”Hogging is degrading and awful,” said Mayor Manny DiPresso. “Apparently, it involves popular boys courting and then mating with heavy-set young women in the community. I hear it ends with a gift of pearls, which seems extraordinarily lavish, but I find the ritual degrading nonetheless. It needs to stop. My daughter still refuses to attend Halloween parties as a result. And I have, to date, not seen her with pearls. No necklaces, no earrings. So I think this ‘hogging’ thing is more treacherous and disingenuous than it appears on the surface.”

Do: Toilet Paper Homes with Clean Tissue

The mayor would also like teens to know that toilet-papering a house -- a prank we’ve admittedly all pulled at one time or another -- was never meant to include used tissue.

Don’t: Hamster Juggling

Hamster juggling, say authorities, is one of the most egregious offenses in the county during this time of year. It violates animal cruelty laws and poses unseen dangers. When, at the end of the juggling, the hamsters are discharged into the air from pneumatic “potato guns,” they can generate a velocity of 100 feet-per-second during their descent. The force of the impact, along with the hamster’s erratic self-defensive behavior, can seriously injure or kill unsuspecting passersby.

Don’t: Indiscriminate Gunfire

In certain outlying areas of San Narciso County -- the ownership of which San Narciso continues to dispute with Los Angeles and other municipalities -- indiscriminate gunfire sometimes occurs, with revelers shooting their weapons into the air. A bullet can climb two miles and remain in flight for more than a minute. As it falls, the bullet can reach a velocity of 300 to 700 feet-per-second, making it seven times more lethal than a hamster.

“Fortunately, these problems generally affect other Southern California communities like LA and Anaheim and Long Beach,” SNPD spokesperson Sgt. Ren Williams said. “Also places like Hollister, where life is cheap and relatively pointless.”

He also advised the responsible gun owners in the county to exercise particular caution before unholstering their weapons in the presence of suspicious or threatening persons on Halloween night.

“Although we in San Narciso cherish our Second Amendment freedoms above all other rights, it may be wise to leave guns in their safes on Friday,” Williams warned. “It’s an evening of scary costumes, eerie disguises, theatrical makeup and intoxicated neighbors. Just remember, before pulling the trigger to put down a walking corpse with a clean headshot, that stumbling zombie is most likely the frazzled housewife next door, strung out on Vicodin, Nembutal, cheap red wine from Trader Joe’s and a pack of Virginia Slims menthols.”

Don’t: Fudge Bags

In the past, Mayor DiPresso had prematurely endorsed the distribution of “fudge bags,” items he initially considered an altruistic gesture of goodwill by residents in Bennington Vale. Aides have since explained the practice, which involves retribution against neighbors who refuse to curb their dogs rather than handing out homemade candies. Although the mayor’s office condemns the failure of pet owners to clean up after their animals, its official stance is that fudge bags, when fully executed, present an unnecessary fire hazard.

“If you feel so compelled as to teach irresponsible pet owners a lesson, please refrain from setting the contents of the packages on fire,” Mayor DiPresso urged.

Do: Request Voter ID from Children Outside the County

It’s become a common practice for families in less privileged areas, such as North Viaduct, to bus their children into our exclusive communities for higher-end treats. You are completely within your rights to demand the trick-or-treater’s ID and question the child about political affiliations or candidates supported. If the answers lean heavily to the political left, or outwardly champion the Democratic Party, refuse to serve the child and contact local authorities immediately.

Don’t: Adultery and Grown-Up Costume Parties

There’s an old expression: “It’s not cheating if you’re wearing a costume.” This unfortunate adage has, in practice, overrun the county’s court system with divorce filings in years past. Although our officials can’t dictate codes of behavior or moral conduct, they remind adults that wearing a costume does not exonerate a person from the repercussions of extramarital affairs that may occur at drunken Halloween parties. They suggest the following revision: “It’s still cheating if you’re wearing a costume, but not if you’re wearing a mask.”

Don’t: Attempt to Frighten Police Officers

San Narciso Police will be out in force beginning at dusk on Friday, October 31, and will take aggressive enforcement action against violators. “We are committed to protecting the lives of the little ghosts and goblins who will be out trick-or-treating,” Sgt. Williams reiterated. “For that reason, and because adrenaline and tensions will be running higher, citizens should refrain from any attempts to scare our personnel. By way of example, if your costume this year is an unarmed black teenager, think twice before approaching a uniformed police officer or making any sudden, suspicious movements -- like waving to friends, opening doors or walking anywhere other than well-lit sidewalks.”

2014. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.
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