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Monday, June 12, 2017

Trump Crashes New Jersey Wedding Reception to Grope Young Bride

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday night, shortly after sealing their nuptials, a young couple received a surprise visit from Donald Trump. The president crashed the wedding reception being held at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster Township, New Jersey, where he proceeded to kiss, hug, fondle and grope the new bride who bore a striking resemblance to First Lady Daughter Ivanka Trump. The unexpected appearance was captured on video by guests at the event.

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Members of the wedding party and their invited guests had no forewarning of Mr. Trump’s arrival until Secret Service agents entered the room to secure the premise and make sure the bride would not resist the president’s unsavory advances.

White House public relations representatives said Trump needed to relieve stress after former FBI Director James Comey offered a humiliating account of the president’s dishonesty and attempts to pressure intelligence officers to abandon their investigation of possible collusion between the White House and the Kremlin during the 2016 election. Sources close to Trump noted that groping married women, particularly those with uncanny similarities to Ivanka, is how the president prefers to blow off steam.

“During Mr. Comey’s dubious testimony, the president was so livid he couldn’t even tweet the word covfefe,” Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders remarked. However, Trump eventually managed to accuse Comey of perjury -- a serious offense that could land the troubled president in hot water if the veracity of Comey’s account is reconciled by Congress. Mark Joseph Stern illustrated the fraught situation in Slate:

Trump has still accused Comey of perjury, a federal crime that undermines our legal system and carries serious penalties. He likely doesn’t realize the severity of this accusation; he routinely throws perceived enemies under the bus for the sake of political expediency. But this time, his habit will backfire. The president’s reckless barb is certain to escalate the conflict between the two men. And Trump has already given Comey the upper hand.

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Following his entrance, President Trump asked the names of the couple, although he insisted on calling the woman “Ivanka.” Mr. Trump raced toward the blushing blonde bride and was greeted with a small peck on the cheek.

“I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there, and she was married,” the president allegedly told members of his staff after the incident. “Then all of a sudden I see her, and Secret Service whispers in her eye, and she tears up a little, probably with gratitude, and runs over to kiss me.”

“I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women,” he added. “I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything ... Grab them by the p***y. You can do anything.”

For Trump, the bride’s attention seemed to justify his lifelong belief that power and celebrity negate acts of sexual assault. He spent several minutes groping the woman, kissing her and asking when the garter toss would be taking place. He volunteered to replace the garter himself with another he fished out of his pocket, bearing the slogan “You Put a Tinkle in My Eyes.”

After the bride escaped his grip, Trump signed “Make America Great Again” hats and distributed them to guests, some of whom cheered and chanted “U.S.A.!” as CNN reported. But one guest clarified that the celebration was misinterpreted by the press.

“When the president signed hats that said ‘Make America Great Again,’ we cheered, that’s true,” the man explained. “I don’t follow politics closely, but I know that James Comey just blasted Trump -- exposed him as a pathological liar with no integrity. Then, you know, Trump’s never in the White House. He’s staying at his golf club in Jersey. And Melania just moved into the White House, which make sense because she doesn’t want to be anywhere near him. Given all that, I sort of figured he finally got impeached and kicked out of office. But if that hasn’t happened, and he’s still president, I don’t see how Trump can make America great. Looks like we got lied to again.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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