Thursday, January 29, 2015

California’s Islamic No-Go Zones: A Traveler’s Guide

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- By now, people on the west coast of the United States know that many segments of Southern California have fallen under Muslim rule. On Monday, the elite team of Islam experts at Fox News released a map from the Clarion Project identifying at least eight U.S. states that have been toppled by regimes bent on imposing Shari’a law. These enclaves, which until now had plagued only isolated cities across the United Kingdom and France, have spread to California, Texas, Michigan, New York, Virginia, Tennessee, South Carolina and Georgia. Outside police are forbidden to enter, and extremist religious prohibitions have replaced our once liberty laden constitutional freedoms -- rules enforced by armed jihadists who patrol the enclaves. Still, the fact remains that Southern California endures as a tourist mecca, the home of Hollywood, trendy beachfront communities and the Magic Kingdom. So how does a visitor safely navigate between famous attractions and no-go zones? Here is a simple traveler’s guide, based on extensive Fox News research, to help you return home with your head attached.

House Republicans Propose Bill Outlawing Masturbation to Save the Lives of the Unborn

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, conservative leaders suffered another setback in the war on women when House Representatives reluctantly canceled a vote on a controversial bill banning abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy, instead replacing it with less extreme restrictions. The decision came one day before the anniversary of the landmark 1973 Supreme Court ruling in Roe v. Wade. But champions for the right-to-life remained undaunted. On Thursday, after a week of fevered brainstorming and amendments, influential House leaders proposed a new “female-friendly” bill. It marks a radical departure in strategy. If passed, male masturbation, in which millions of sperm are left to die on towels or tissues after ejaculation, will be outlawed -- and prosecuted as a capital offense.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Muslim Enclaves Spread to Mars: Fox News Shows Proof with NASA Rover Photo of Man’s Shadow

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, the elite team of Islam experts at Fox News released a map from the Clarion Project identifying at least eight U.S. states that have been toppled by Muslim regimes -- the latest casualties in the alarming rise of “no-go zones.” These enclaves, which until now had plagued only isolated cities across the United Kingdom and France, appear to be spreading. Conservative lawmakers and foreign policy analysts warn that Muslim-controlled no-go zones will continue to infect societies like a global contagion if serious measures are not taken to contain the outbreak. Others say we’re already too late. With the release of a new photo transmitted by NASA’s Curiosity Rover -- showing the silhouette of a man tinkering with the spacecraft, which is stationed on Mars -- anti-terrorism authorities at Fox News believe the crisis has reached galactic proportions.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Police Refrain From Killing Unarmed Black Teens on MLK Day, But Promise to Resume Their Shootings Soon

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a rare display of restraint and solidarity, police officers around the nation refrained from gunning down unarmed black children, teens and adults in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which was observed Monday. Based on data compiled from the Fatal Encounters project, approximately 673 African Americans were killed in a hail of police gunfire between 2013 and 2014. But even that figure remains a conservative estimate, as nobody knows precisely how many Americans are slaughtered by frightened patrolmen each year. Criminal justice experts point out that while the federal government and national research groups track mortality figures for unprovoked shark attacks, no reliable data exist to calculate the exact number of people butchered by aggressive police officers each year. With the release of newly obtained footage of Bridgeton, N.J., officers shooting yet another unarmed black man attempting to comply with their orders, peacekeeping agencies around the country assured the public that they will resume their race-based killing sprees soon.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Kris Jenner Outraged at Photoshopped Images of Bruce: “That’s Not Even His Shade of Lipstick”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The folks at In Touch, Life & Style are in touch with neither Bruce Jenner’s life nor style, according to ex-wife Kris Jenner, matriarch of the Kardashian clan. The magazine’s controversial cover, which bears the title “My Life as a Woman” and depicts the former Olympian in drag and cosmetics, attempts to out Bruce as preparing for a new life as a transgender person. The image is garish and shocking, but it also turns out to be fake. Staffers at the magazine Photoshopped the picture. And that has Kris outraged. “It’s just mean to do whether or not it’s true,” she fired back, somewhat equivocally. “Worse than that, it’s not even his shade of lipstick. Bruce would never apply such an unflattering pink; not with his complexion. Don’t even get me started on the rouge and eye shadow. I swear, it’s like a box of Crayolas vomited.”

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Chick-Fil-A Gives Needy Man Food and Gloves, Then Snatches Them Back After Learning He’s Gay

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although temperatures are climbing back into the upper 70s and lower 80s -- the cool winter weather Californians are accustomed to -- January has been an unusually frosty affair, with daytime highs barely reaching the 60s. Yes, this brutal winter has hit the Southland hard. Hipsters say they’ve been forced to knit beard warmers. Beachgoers have resorted to wearing sarongs and hoodies. And many homeowners have confessed to firing up their jacuzzis, months before spa season. It was especially frigid on January 7 when locals packed the Bennington Vale Chick-fil-A to escape the cold for a spell. These diners were soon joined by a disheveled man -- clearly one of the homeless bankers from Hobo Gardens, the county’s “extro-urban” transient community. But Chick-fil-A, to the wide grins and approving nods of every patron in the restaurant, honored its Christian values by providing the hungry man with a free meal -- and then promptly wrested it from his grubby hands after identifying him as gay.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Je Suis Charlie

Thursday, January 8, 2015

New Evidence Shows NSA and FBI Too Busy Spying on Americans to Notice North Korean Cyber-Attack

“The U.S. government has spent so much of its time spying on American citizens that if the attacks came from Sony, we would have known about it long ago.” -- FBI Director James Comey

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Wednesday, after nearly a month of speculation and circular arguments, FBI Director James Comey staunchly defended his bureau’s claim that North Korea orchestrated the cyber-attack against Sony Pictures in retaliation for its film “The Interview,” which depicts a farcical attempt by two American entertainment journalists to assassinate Kim Jong-un. The U.S. government has endured weeks of criticism from cybersecurity experts who believe the attacks originated from a source inside Sony. Comey responded that these private-sector lackeys “don’t have the facts that I have.” Regardless of where responsibility for the hacking falls, government officials feel confident that the evidence will point to a foreign source. “The U.S. government has spent so much of its time spying on American citizens that if the attacks came from Sony, we would have known about it long ago,” Comey stressed.

Americans Turn North Korean Diet of Tree Bark into Weight Loss Fad: “We’re Keeping Our New Year’s Resolutions for 2015”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since North Korea’s alleged hacking of Sony Pictures, a belligerent response to the film studio’s lowbrow comedy about two TV interviewers who gain access to the rogue nation and are subsequently tasked by the CIA to kill its dictator, the DPRK has reclaimed its place in headline news. But not necessarily for what many might think. Rather than discussing the ever-erratic antics of Pyongyang’s minuscule but tyrannical autocrat, Americans are buzzing about a new fad in weight loss based on the North Korean diet of tree bark and dirt, which is sure to help millions keep their resolutions to shed unwanted pounds in 2015.

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