Thursday, January 29, 2015

House Republicans Propose Bill Outlawing Masturbation to Save the Lives of the Unborn

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, conservative leaders suffered another setback in the war on women when House Representatives reluctantly canceled a vote on a controversial bill banning abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy, instead replacing it with less extreme restrictions. The decision came one day before the anniversary of the landmark 1973 Supreme Court ruling in Roe v. Wade. But champions for the right-to-life remained undaunted. On Thursday, after a week of fevered brainstorming and amendments, influential House leaders proposed a new “female-friendly” bill. It marks a radical departure in strategy. If passed, male masturbation, in which millions of sperm are left to die on towels or tissues after ejaculation, will be outlawed -- and prosecuted as a capital offense.

Anti-abortion advocates thought last week’s bill would be a sure shot for the Republican-ruled Congress, but some GOP members rebelled, calling the language concerning rape exceptions too narrow. The legislation would have required women to report the crime to police in order to qualify.

That’s not to say anti-abortion supporters walked away entirely empty handed. Representatives continued to push other prohibitions, such as denying all public funding to schools with access to campus-based abortion providers, and a measure requiring states to report Medicaid payments for pregnancy termination services.

The challenge for modern Republicans is finding a way to appeal to the priorities of younger, educated and more progressive voters while legally imposing austere interpretations of Leviticus on women, minorities, LGBT individuals, the disabled and people of faiths not based on Judeo-Christian principles.

“Today’s misguided youth rally to protest bills such as these because they don’t bother to examine the underlying intent,” Olden-Whitely said. “They’re smug. They see language that’s distasteful and jump to conclusions -- like Republicans are evil, or at least the 87 percent of Congress who are males. We’re not. Eve ate the apple, but that’s not what this war is about. It’s about saving the lives of the innocent unborn. It’s about protecting babies, who represent the future of our society.”

And that’s why the 114th Congress is pinning its hopes of finally passing sweeping and comprehensive abortion reform on new legislation aimed at men.

The average male produces nearly 525 billion sperm cells during the course of his lifetime. But scientists point out that over a billion are shed each month in activities unrelated to procreation. During the selfish act of masturbation, for instance, a healthy adult male squanders between 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm in a single ejaculation. Even more alarming, the median masturbation frequency for a typical man is five times per week. That means, by the most conservative estimates, 200 million sperm -- 200 million potential infants -- are senselessly left to die in old tube socks each week.

“I don’t even know if there’s a word for this level of butchery,” Olden-Whitely said. “It makes genocide seem quaint. We’re talking about the unrepentant slaughter of entire universes in one pelvic sneeze. In about three-minutes. Five times a week. For sexual deviants, particularly registered Democrats, the frequency could be triple that.”

The bill’s sponsors note that masturbation itself would not be deemed an illegal act under the new federal law, which is being described as a ban on “preemptive abortion and proactive infanticide.” However, a male caught ejaculating onto any surface or into any receptacle that’s not a vagina with fertile eggs will be charged with a capital crime. A conviction would likely result in life imprisonment or the death penalty. Any person found guilty of assisting in the ejaculation process could also be tried as an accomplice.

Spokespersons for the House of Representatives say they expect a final vote early next week.

2015. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.

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