Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Trump Includes Radical White Trump Supporters in Travel Ban


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The peace of a sleepy winter Sunday in Quebec was jarred by gunfire when Alexandre Bissonnette, 27, walked into a mosque and unleashed a hail of bullets. Six people were killed and eight injured. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau branded the tragedy an act of terrorism. As the New York Times reported, “The shooting was the first time anyone had been killed in a mosque in Canada in such circumstances and was, at least in recent times, a rare event outside the Muslim world.” Bissonnette, according to former classmates, was a far-right, anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant and anti-feminist white supremacist who was enthralled with U.S. President Donald Trump. In honoring his commitment to protect Americans from terrorists, Trump expanded his travel ban on Tuesday to include all white, radical, foreign Trump supporters until “we figure out what the hell is going on.”

Monday, January 30, 2017

Trump’s Two-for-One Points System: Atkins Diet for Regulatory Fat


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If offered a two-for-one deal at Trump Tower Grille, most reasonable people would pass on the prospect of receiving another gristly pool of amorphous, moldering gravy drowning an unknown substance resembling a human thumb. But if the deal involved taking away two Trump Grille menu items and reducing the punishment to only one entree, the disgust factor would be lessened. This is Trump’s logic in passing a new two-for-one points system -- a sort of Weight Watchers approach to cutting the nation’s regulatory fat, but with the sickly long-term damage of the Atkins Diet.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Trump More Subdued in News Conference: Covers Soft Topics Like Torture, War with China


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump struck a more cordial and subdued tone during his first official White House press conference this Friday. The meeting was a noticeable departure from the fraught and antagonistic inaugural briefing that took place on January 12. As CNN discovered, the new president is obsessed with his image, and watches countless hours of cable news to gauge unfavorable media reactions to his demeanor. But Trump approached the latest gathering in a less confrontational and more agreeable manner. Rather than arguing the merits of a taxpayer-subsidized wall along the Mexico border, repealing civil rights and expanding his hotel empire, Trump chose warmer topics that resonated with his base: torture, banning immigration and the mass exodus of communists for the Chinese New Year.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Trump Signs Environment Friendly Energy Policy: Whaling as Renewable Fuel


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump campaigned on many controversial commitments, which he seems intent on fulfilling through a sweeping series of executive orders. During his first week in office, Trump has penned actions to loosen Affordable Care Act provisions, create a Muslim registry, authorize construction of a wall along the Mexico border, declare martial law on Chicago and eliminate “sanctuary cities,” the latter of which elicited a bizarre response from the president: “I’ve seen ‘Logan’s Run’ on TV a million times; I love the idea of Carousel, maybe adding Muslims to the list, but sanctuary is a terrible lie. Why force taxpayers to fund a myth? You know, that D.C. hasn’t crumbled into ruins?” While some orders seem dubious to enforce, Trump’s gutting of environmental protections could come to fruition. Unlike the repeal of Obamacare, the president did offer a replacement -- a “climate-friendly energy plan” that he said would create jobs, restore a dying industry and provide low income families with affordable fuel: clean burning whale oil.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Trump FCC Chair to Kill Net Neutrality, Ending Fake News and Economic Carnage


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump has become the accepted master of social media. In fact, he has made the bold and unprecedented decision to serve as his own press corps, transferring the outdated platform to Twitter. The job of White House correspondents is to report on the president’s decisions and activities. Trump astutely recognizes that no individual is better equipped to perform that task than the commander-in-chief himself. However, he also understands firsthand the dangers that a free and open Internet have unleashed in this time of American carnage. “The real peril is uncensored access to vast amounts of information and facts, which are killing the economy and thwarting governmental efforts to keep people on the right path,” Kellyanne Conway said. She called Trump’s appointment of Ajit Pai as FCC chairman an essential step toward progress. Pai has already vowed to take a “weed whacker” to the electric communism of net neutrality, ending the free flow of fake news that is destroying the nation and undermining the alternative facts Americans need.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Melania Trump Redecorates White House with Startling Renovations

melania trump redecorates white house

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This week marks a transformative shift as President Donald Trump prepares the White House for his occupation. It is customary for new residents to redecorate the living quarters and other domestic areas of the property. Some rooms remain off-limits, but the new president may generally change the top two floors of the 132-room estate. As Marie Claire notes, “Usually, the First Lady has taken the lead on redecorating the family living spaces, so if the Trumps follow tradition, Melania’s taste will dictate what the top two floors of the White House look like for the next four years.” Judging by the radical renovations Melania had installed on Friday, the nation has a clear picture of the direction in which Trump plans to lead America.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Trump Admits Taxes Will Fund Border Wall, Hires Mexican Day Laborers to Cut Costs


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After Donald Trump admitted that American taxpayers, not the Mexican government, may be responsible for the costs of erecting a wall along the U.S.-Mexico border, government officials noticed members of the president-elect’s transition team hiring day laborers from hardware store parking lots for a “massive construction project.”

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Paul Ryan Gives Up Taxpayer Funded Benefits to Support Obamacare Repeal


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Thursday, the Republican-controlled Senate took a major step toward eviscerating the Affordable Care Act (ACA), also known as Obamacare. In a 51 to 48 vote, senators approved a proposal that would empower them to gut key provisions of the health care act without facing a filibuster by opposing Democrats. The following Tuesday, however, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office (CBO) published research that depicted significant impacts from a repeal. Their top concerns involved vast numbers of uninsured Americans and skyrocketing premiums, which would effectively put medical care beyond the reach of millions. The charge is being led by House Speaker Paul Ryan, who has been trying to gut the wasteful federal government for years, seeking instead a greater reliance on privatization. To show the inherent dangers of providing citizens with access to health care, Ryan boldly renounced all of the socialist, Hitler-esque, taxpayer funded benefits he receives as a member of Congress.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Audience to Headline Trump Inauguration Day in Elegant Karaoke Party


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although several of the entertainment industry’s most prominent celebrities and performers have turned down invitations to Donald Trump’s inaugural celebration, the event promises to be a concert for the people -- and perhaps even by the people. On December 22, Trump tweeted: “The so-called ‘A’ list celebrities are all wanting tixs to the inauguration, but look what they did for Hillary, NOTHING. I want the PEOPLE!” Sources close to the president-elect say he will make good on that statement by encouraging audience members to headline the event, which has now been drastically scaled down and re-themed as “an elegant karaoke party,” according to Kellyanne Conway.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Trump Fires National Guard Commander, Needs General Unafraid to Shoot Crowds


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a highly contentious and ill-timed decision, President-elect Donald Trump informed Gen. Errol R. Schwartz, head of the Washington D.C. National Guard, that he will be removed from his post on January 20 at 12:01 p.m., the same time as Trump’s inauguration. Neither the general nor the media were offered an explanation for the firing. However, a member of Trump’s private security detail, which he will retain once in the White House, explained that more assertive leadership is required. Because the streets of the nation’s capital will be packed with thousands of outraged Americans who have threatened to protest Trump’s swearing-in, the new president will need a National Guard unafraid to fire on unruly crowds. Aides also noted that Schwartz is, in his official capacity, a heavily armed black man in charge of thousands of trained soldiers -- a status likely to exacerbate tensions with police and Trump supporters.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

White House Reporters: Conservative’s Advice on Covering Trump in Press, Not Urine


EDITORIAL: Stop Obsessing Over Golden Showers and Follow Some Golden Rules

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Wednesday, the American people endured the dumpster fire that was Donald Trump’s inaugural news conference as president-elect. Despite countless attempts to remain gracious, Mr. Trump quickly became overwhelmed by a rabble of feckless reporters who refused to even entertain the thought of a cordial tone. After the smoke cleared from the battlefield, Trump again emerged victorious. “I won,” he said, referencing the election and the blitzkrieg orchestrated by the subversive media. And like Charlie Sheen, he’s still winning. Point is, the press could still serve a purpose. And if they want to be part of this democracy, they’ll need to learn new strategies. As a conservative journalist, politician and business tycoon, I’m here to teach so-called news people the principles of covering strong Republican rulers.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

GOP Fears Mexico Wall May Impede Trump’s Cocaine Supply


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On January 6, President-elect Donald Trump spent 17 relentless hours on Twitter informing the public of every thought in his head. Trump, as reporter-in-chief, delivers minute-by-minute developments of all things Trump. However, as any tireless journalist can attest, live coverage of this magnitude is often unsustainable. Political analysts believe the growing reluctance of GOP legislators to support the Mexico border wall is directly related: the structure could impose tremendous impediments to Mexican drug cartels who supply Trump with the cocaine he needs to stay sharp and ever-present on social media.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Trump Tells Meryl Streep He Was Attacking “Retarded Press, Not Actual Cripples”


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump may not have attended the 74th Golden Globes ceremony or, as he claimed, even watched it, but his presence took center stage throughout the evening’s festivities. The harsh depictions of Trump’s ineptness as a businessman and political leader culminated with a fiery yet refined speech delivered by Meryl Streep. Among the many shortcomings and frailties she described, Trump’s insulting mimicry of a disabled journalist drew her particular ire. Trump defended the misunderstanding by attacking Streep on Twitter, clarifying that he was making fun of the “retarded press,” not “actual spastics and cripples.”

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Health Issues Force Trump to Cut Charles Manson as Labor Pick


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team encountered another setback Wednesday when officials at the Corcoran State Prison announced that Charles Manson had been hospitalized for an undisclosed illness. The news was reported by Stephen Babb, spokesperson for California’s Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation. The nature of Manson’s affliction could not be revealed due to privacy laws protecting health information. Sources said the homicidal Helter Skelter cult leader was in critical condition. As part of Trump’s effort to “drain the swamp” of traditional politics and build an unconventional government aligned with his particular ideals, Manson had been slated as a frontrunner for Secretary of Labor. Trump described Manson as a charismatic, efficient and masterful labor organizer who tackled a nearly impossible project in just two days. Now, Trump’s team may have to settle with fast food executive Andrew Puzder.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

McConnell Won’t Tolerate “Hypocrite Dems” Blocking SCOTUS Pick Like GOP


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In an audacious proclamation bordering on operatic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell declared on Wednesday that the American public will not tolerate attempts by Democrats to block Trump’s Supreme Court nominations. His remarks followed Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer’s intimation that Democrats in Congress could stall the president-elect’s efforts to fill the vacancy left by deceased Justice Antonin Scalia. The GOP has a longstanding and cherished tradition of hamstringing Democrat-sponsored proposals and appointments. They refused to hold confirmation hearings for Judge Merrick Garland, Obama’s centrist pick to serve on the nation’s highest court. That position languished for 10 months. Garland’s nomination expired this week with the 114th Congress. “For Democrats to steal the Republican playbook and go against their own moral standards just shows what hypocrites they are,” McConnell’s representatives said.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Trump Tells House to Ignore Ethics Office: “If It Worked, None of Us Would Be Here”


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The 115th Congress ushered in its first official day with backsliding, embarrassment, bipartisan criticism and conflicting agendas. On Monday evening, a federal holiday, House Republicans gathered in a secretive closed-door meeting to vote in favor of eviscerating the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE). On Tuesday, amid backlash and public pressure, the House reversed its stance, signaling a tumultuous note for Republican-dominated governance. Trump himself tweeted his opposition, urging the House to gut the OCE at a later, more opportune date. “There are things of far greater importance,” the president-elect told reporters. “This was a pointless waste of time. If the Ethics Office actually did its job, none of us would be here anyway. So, I say we just ignore it.”

Monday, January 2, 2017

Trump Seeks Hispanic Agriculture Secretary: “Latinos Know Lettuce”


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump, despite his pledge to “drain the swamp” of D.C. politics, has come under fire from critics for staffing his administration with predominantly white, xenophobic, anti-Islamic, anti-LGBT men. Supporters, however, point to Trump’s embrace of diversity with his selection of Dr. Ben Carson to the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD). Carson, while bringing no government experience to the post, is ideally qualified: he is a black man who owns a house. Now, Trump is poised once again to prove his detractors wrong by seeking a Hispanic Secretary of Agriculture. “Latinos know lettuce and landscaping,” he observed.
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