Saturday, January 28, 2017

Trump More Subdued in News Conference: Covers Soft Topics Like Torture, War with China


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump struck a more cordial and subdued tone during his first official White House press conference this Friday. The meeting was a noticeable departure from the fraught and antagonistic inaugural briefing that took place on January 12. As CNN discovered, the new president is obsessed with his image, and watches countless hours of cable news to gauge unfavorable media reactions to his demeanor. But Trump approached the latest gathering in a less confrontational and more agreeable manner. Rather than arguing the merits of a taxpayer-subsidized wall along the Mexico border, repealing civil rights and expanding his hotel empire, Trump chose warmer topics that resonated with his base: torture, banning immigration and the mass exodus of communists for the Chinese New Year.

A Warmer, Friendlier Trump

As president-elect, Trump’s inaugural press conference was nothing short of a vitriolic and rage-fueled duel with the media. As Bennington Vale Evening Transcript correspondent F. Chester Greene noted:

Within minutes of opening the meeting, vicious liberal journalists harangued their soon-to-be commander with vitriol, unfounded accusations and agenda-laden questions -- all of it underscored with the juvenile glee that accompanies a predilection for bathroom humor among the immature. You know the state of journalism is truly in the toilet when discussions of toilets and their contents become “important” topics in the national conversation, let alone a paper’s lede.

But Trump, demonstrating the leadership qualities that won him the election, fired back with volleys of painfully astute denouncements. He exposed BuzzFeed as a “failing pile of garbage,” CNN as “fake news” and generally told the rest of the lamestream media to shove it. As the New York Times observed, Trump “more or less told the whole lot of reporters at Trump Tower to stuff it when it comes to his unreleased tax returns because everyday Americans don’t care and, anyway, ‘I won.’”

The Times is correct. Americans don’t care about Trump’s tax returns. They care about military, homeland, economic and labor leadership. They care about protecting Christianity from menacing gays, and they care about restoring the traditional family by putting uppity women back in their kitchens. That’s why they fought to install Trump into the Oval Office. That’s why he rose to power with an historic mandate. He won. And I’ll say it again: like Charlie Sheen, he’s still winning.

This Friday’s 18-minute presser in the White House East Room capped what CNN called a “turbulently productive seven days in office for Trump. He’s taken rapid-pace executive action, including ordering the federal government to begin construction on his promised wall between the United States and Mexico.”

The president also penned orders to suspend the immigration of U.S. citizens and valid visa holders coming from non-terrorist Muslim countries. The ban does not apply to known terror states such as Turkey, Egypt or Saudi Arabia because Trump has business ties with those nations. While that may stir controversy, America has a storied history of forming tenuous alliances with opponents for mutual gain. Great Britain’s incursion into the early colonies represented the first attack by foreign insurgents on U.S. soil. Defeating the Nazis required working in concert with communist Russia. Ending the Civil War involved a painful negotiation that saw the destruction of a vibrant agricultural workforce and the acceptance of equal rights.

Standing alongside British Prime Minister Theresa May, Trump focused on issues of unification and allegiance, rather than division. Trump and Brexit voters agree on core themes, which speak less about politics and more about global safety in an uncertain era: torture, xenophobia and isolationism.

First White House Press Conference: On the Issues

Torture, Enhanced Interrogation and Extreme Vetting

When questioned about the possible return of waterboarding and other extraordinary rendition techniques for enemy combatants, such as political demonstrators or dishonest journalists, Trump said he would defer to the judgment of Defense Secretary James Mattis, but expressed enthusiastic support for the benefits of ghastly physical torment.

“I happen to feel that it does work,” Trump said. “I’ve been open about that for a long period of time. But I am going with our leaders. And we’re going to win with or without, but I do disagree.”

Sources close to Trump revealed that he has subjected himself to CIA-inspired torture frequently, and therefore has a direct understanding of its value.

“He regularly stays up for over 24-hour periods listening to blaring television commercials for Empire Carpet and other obnoxious advertisers,” one staffer explained. “He has, on several occasions, locked himself in Ivanka’s room and stripped naked in a humiliating display of subservience. This happens whenever she’s in town alone. And it’s no secret that Trump has voluntarily waterboarded himself numerous times. On his last visit to Russia, he hired two female professionals -- experts in sadism -- to fill his mouth with streams of the most vile fluids. So it’s not as though the president is speaking without context.”

Chinese New Year, New Opportunity to Ban Immigration

Saturday marked the beginning of 2017’s Chinese New Year, honoring the rooster as this season’s zodiac animal. But the celebration also produced one of the largest mass exoduses of non-Caucasians from the continent. As Forbes wrote, “China’s annual epic travel rush is underway, as hundreds of millions of people head home during the Chinese New Year holiday. The event, locally known as chunyun, is the largest human migration in the world, and this year, which is the year of the Rooster, will last from Jan. 28 to Feb. 21.”

Chinese officials reported that the tremendous influx of returning emigrants represented a 2.2-percent increase over last year’s festivities. For President Trump, whose saber-rattling and combative posturing against China have led the country to discuss the possibility of war, the departure of millions of Chinese comes at an opportune time.

Trump’s executive order on immigration not only prevents Muslims from entering the United States, it also imposes a temporary halt on all refugees seeking safe harbor. This weekend, several individuals were detained at New York’s JFK airport under the provisions of the act.

“Chinese New Year hit at a terrific time for us,” Trump told reporters. “Absolutely terrific. All these communist sleeper agents went back to their hives. They’ve left the United States. They won’t be eating our house pets, sewing our clothes, taking jobs away from American dry cleaners, or lying about inventing laundry detergent. Calgon is national treasure. Ancient Chinese secret, my ass. Point is, we’re free of their Red Menace, and as a result of my terrific immigration ban, they’re not getting back in.”

“I don’t believe in the pagan calendar stuff of Chinamen, it’s not Christian, it’s not American, but I have to say that I used to prefer Year of the Tiger,” the president added. “I like pussies. Just love those furry, cuddly pussies. I see them, and you know, I just start grabbing them and holding them and squeezing them. Roosters I don’t care for. I don’t like cocks. I have very little use for them. I do have one of my own, but it’s mostly for show. It’s incredibly small, so small, that it’s not hard to take care of. Mostly, it helps me wake up in the morning. Otherwise, pointless. But this year, with all the Chinamen going back to their polluted wasteland, I just love the cocks.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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