Thursday, June 30, 2011

Rep. Charlie Dent Literally Illustrates Stem Cell Research for Scientifically-Challenged Republican Peers

Courtesy Twisted Pictures
PHILADELPHIA, Penn. -- Republican Charlie Dent (R-Penn.) has emerged as the lead co-sponsor of embryonic stem cell legislation, offering key Republican support for a controversial bill that nearly all social conservatives revile. Dent’s peers in the GOP, who roundly objected to the bill on religious and moral grounds, claimed that stem research destroys viable embryos for the purposes of harvesting cells. However, Dent argued that the bill “does establish ethical criteria for stem cell research, and I think that’s very, very important.” To be eligible for federal funding, Dent explained, researchers could use only leftover embryos (those never implanted in a woman) that would otherwise be discarded.

Despite Dent’s efforts to explain the simple and logical science behind the process, his intelligently designed counterparts continued to warn that stem cell research would ultimately lead to a cannibalistic society from the pages of science fiction’s most horrifying dystopias: “It’s bad enough that liberals in Congress keep pushing for this mythical ‘Green Energy,’ now we have someone within our ranks carrying the banner for ‘Soylent Green Energy.’”

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

News in Photos: Tylenol Bottles Recalled for Moldy Product, FDA Accuses Manufacturer of Cutting Corners

Johnson & Johnson has announced yet another Tylenol recall. The most famous incident occurred in 1982, when the company spent over $100 million removing tampered, cyanide-laced bottles from store shelves. Now, Johnson & Johnson is recalling more than 60,000 bottles of Tylenol Extra Strength Caplets due to a musty, moldy odor. Investigators with the FDA accused J&J of cutting corners by filling bottles with product they deemed "generic to the most absurd extremes."

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Study: Child Dies in Portable Pool Every 5 Days, Child’s Parents Completely Freaked Out

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- According to a baffling study printed by the Associated Press, a child dies in a portable pool every five days. The study, produced by the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, is the first of its kind. And while the study’s authors say the statistic demonstrates the need for consumer education and affordable protection devices, the child’s distressed parents are demanding an explanation from scientists as to how their son, Jack, continues to drown once a week and then resurrect.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Michele Bachmann Announces Presidential Campaign in Iowa by Comparing Herself to Area Serial Killer

WATERLOO, Iowa -- Conservative Republican Michele Bachmann appeared this weekend in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, to kick off her official run at the 2012 presidential race. Bachmann had hoped to reestablish her credentials as a true native of Iowa, a strategically influential state for politicians seeking the nation’s highest office. However, Bachmann set a dark tone for her campaign when she boasted of sharing a kindred spirit with one of the city’s most infamous residents, serial killer John Wayne Gacy: “Well what I want them to know is just, like John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That’s the kind of spirit that I have, too.”

Friday, June 24, 2011

Wichita Lineman Arrested for Warrantless Wiretapping

WICHITA, Kan. -- Campbell Webb, an unassuming and soft-spoken lineman for AT&T, was arrested in May for illegal wiretapping. He was arraigned Friday in court, with AT&T attorneys supplying evidence for the prosecution. Interestingly, Webb didn’t deny the allegations of wiretapping, but his testimony painted the portrait of a lonely eavesdropper more than that of a criminal mastermind.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Conservative School Board Corrects Decades of Historical Errors in Text Books

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Despite the ongoing efforts of educators to create national standards, the San Narciso County school board, following in the footsteps of Texas, has seceded from the debate by proposing sweeping changes to its social studies curriculum. The amendments would highlight the underrated achievements of conservatives, emphasize the role of Christianity in American history and include Republican political philosophies in textbooks.

The board is expected to take a preliminary vote this week on a cornucopia of changes proposed by the seven conservative board members. The group is spearheaded by Commissioner Marissa Olden-Whitely, who made headlines last week after dispatching armed goons to settle a minor Department of Education issue in the county. A final vote is expected in July.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Glen Campbell Diagnosed with Rare Celebrity Subset of "Reciprocal Alzheimer’s"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Country music legend Glen Campbell’s been walking these streets so long, singing the same old song, and he knows every crack in those dirty sidewalks of Broadway. Unfortunately, that’s about to change. The 75-year-old musician admitted that he has Alzheimer’s disease. Campbell and his wife Kim went public with the diagnosis on Wednesday, which they said doctors confirmed six months ago when the singer complained about episodes of short term memory loss. “In a few months,” said one doctor, “it’s likely that Mr. Campbell will have trouble remembering the lyrics to that same old song. After a year, he won’t recognize any of those cracks in the sidewalks along Broadway.”

Campbell told fans that he will make the most of this time, while his memory remains intact, by recording a final album and hitting the road for a farewell tour. The record is tentatively titled, “Who am I? Who the F**k are You?”

Interestingly, medical experts say that Campbell’s particular type of Alzheimer’s is a unique and reciprocal form of the disorder that affects only public figures.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

FDA Unveils Grim “Universal” Warning Labels for Harmful American Consumables

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The FDA on Tuesday introduced a series of gruesome warnings, featuring graphic depictions of lifeless bodies, surgical scars and diseased tissue. The labels were intended to be placed on cigarette packaging and advertisements, but after meeting with influential lobbying groups, agency officials now plan to post these enhanced warnings on a variety of questionable consumables.

“The FDA is helping responsible companies target those growers and manufacturers who do not operate with the same level of oversight as large corporations,” explained a lobbyist representing Archer Daniels Midland. “Let’s face it, organic simply means it was grown in a dirty, untreated environment. Animals may have defecated in that soil. There are no chemicals present to treat possible diseases. We think that’s the real threat to America’s health.”

Samples of the proposed FDA product labels follow. Warning: some images may be disturbing to readers.

Monday, June 20, 2011

History Geek Alyssa Campanella Crowned Miss USA, Proving Beauty Deeper than the Skin Deep Kind of Beauty

“Beauty is only skin deep, but it’s also deeper than the skin, and it goes all the way down past the skin, and is more beautiful, but it’s also part of the skin, and both are OK,” says new Miss USA

LAS VEGAS, Nev. -- Alyssa Campanella, a self-proclaimed “history geek” representing California, was crowned Miss USA at the annual beauty pageant held in Las Vegas on Sunday. The 21-year-old stunner, who was born and raised in the Garden State, moved to Los Angeles 18 months ago to represent the Golden State. Although favored by pageant experts, some critics questioned Campanella’s representation of California given that she spent most of her life in New Jersey. However, supporters pointed out that California natives are generally mole-like creatures who toil away in auto garages and apartment management careers. Bennington Vale homemaker Bethany Brightslice, who relocated to San Narciso County from Connecticut in 1980, said, “What makes California beautiful is its ability to attract wealthy and gorgeous transplants to its shores. Alyssa Campanella is actually the perfect spokesperson. And, she’s the first beauty queen to embrace her intellect over her looks. You’re not going to find that in most California natives, with the state’s horrible education ranking.”

A natural blond, Campanella dyed her hair red, saying that flaxen-haired women are too often stereotyped as “big smelly dumb-dumbs.” She also wanted to express her support for less fortunate, frequently bullied “gingers,” a group she donates a great deal of time and money to helping.

Newly Single, Hugh Hefner Dreads Challenges of Dating Scene: “Where Does a Guy Like Me Find Beautiful Women?”

Photo courtesy of Reuters
LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, 85, prepares to face an uncertain future of bachelorhood after being dumped at the altar by 25-year-old fiancee Crystal Harris last weekend. Although Harris claimed that she called off the engagement over “jitters” about living as a virtual sex prisoner behind the walls of a cloistered mansion -- in regimented servitude as part of a highly competitive harem -- friends say Harris had misgivings about Hefner’s alleged obsession with Daryl Dragon of the super-duo Captain and Tennille.

“This was going to be my wedding day, but life is full of surprises. After all is said & done, staying single is probably for the best,” Hefner posted on Twitter. He did not include a photo of his underpants.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Australian PM Gillard Not Considering Nauru, Proposes Malaysia Solution Until Final Solution is Determined

CANBERRA, Australia -- Between 2001 and 2007, the Australian government embarked on an austere anti-immigration policy, commonly referred to as the Pacific Solution. The official policy involved intercepting asylum seekers at sea and then transporting them to detention camps set up on Christmas Island, Manus Island, and on the tiny island nation of Nauru. The policy was abandoned by the Australian Labor Party in 2007. Given the failure of Germany’s harsh naturalization policy in the 1940s, which also involved detention camps and the word “solution,” amnesty groups are left scratching their heads at Opposition Leader Tony Abbott’s interest in re-opening the Nauru facility and PM Gillard’s people-trading deal with Malaysia.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Congress and New York Ponder Question of Life Without Their Weiner

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- After succumbing to the pressure placed on him by Democrats and Republicans, Anthony Weiner decided to resign his post as the Representative of New York’s 9th District on Thursday. “This is how Congress handles a member: strokes it, then throttles it till it cries,” Weiner allegedly tweeted, despite his advisers urging him to stay away from his Twitter account. The burning question now facing the House and the Empire State: What happens when you lose your Weiner?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Bodies of 104 Air France Travelers to Reach Paris After “Rare” Two-Year Stopover

French Air Line Industry Apologizes for World’s Longest Flight Delay

PARIS, France -- The bodies of 104 passengers of an Air France flight that touched down unexpectedly in the Atlantic Ocean two years ago will finally arrive in France on Thursday. In a statement released to the press on Wednesday, French aviation officials apologized to the families for the long delay:

We regret the French airline industry’s shameful history of scheduling problems, but a two-year layover in the Atlantic is unacceptable even to us. In the future, we will be changing our flight routes and adhering more strictly to realistic schedules. We also now understand that the success of the Chunnel applies only to trains. In practice, as we have come to learn, the concept does not translate well to air transit. From this day forward, our planes will stay above sea level while flights are under way. We will also take greater pains to ensure that all courses plotted, by default, are round-trip. We understand that you have choices when selecting air carriers, and...I’m sorry, I don’t even know how to follow that up.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

News in Photos: Crystal Harris Ends Engagement to Hugh Hefner

Crystal Harris, the 25-year-old bombshell engaged to Hugh Hefner, has called off their engagement, saying, “I have the utmost respect for Hef, but he just couldn’t make it work. Know what I mean?” Harris was vague about the details, but sources close to the couple say Hefner’s little known Captain and Tennille fetish is a major turnoff for Harris.

“It’s just weird seeing [Hef] dressed up as Daryl Dragon,” one friend said. “And the way he sings ‘The Way I Want to Touch You’ and ‘Lonely Night,’ there’s something strange and desperate about it. I don’t think love will keep them together, by itself. Maybe it’s time for Crystal to ‘Shop Around.’”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Follow Up: Facebook Blasts Google for Intrusive Personalized Mapping System

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. -- Representatives from Google condemned Facebook for “invasive product deployment methodologies” and violations of user privacy after yesterday’s story about Facebook’s new feature. Facebook confessed on Monday to activating a service called the Status Personalization and Information Edification System (SPIES), in which roaming human “Updaters” are assigned to users and then follow them throughout the day, monitoring and photographing their goings on. Updaters then automatically reflect each user’s activities by posting onto his or her wall from a universal access portal.

“This is a historic low for Facebook,” a Google spokesperson said on Tuesday. “Not only are these Updaters given unlimited access to users’ data, we suspect that they’re reporting back to Facebook’s advertisers and marketing affiliates. It’s the most odious perversion of the Internet we’ve seen.”

Facebook fired back by blasting Google for its personalized mapping enhancement, currently in the early stages of testing.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Facebook Admits Introducing New Status Update Feature, Incurs More Privacy Complaints

MENLO PARK, Calif. -- As Facebook prepares itself for a long-awaited and seemingly inevitable IPO, Internet ethics groups continue to hound the social networking giant with accusations of invasive and deceptive “privacy” policies. In December, Facebook announced plans for facial-recognition technology designed to simplify the process of tagging friends in photos. Facebook said the enhancement would perform a comparative analysis of images and then automate tagging suggestions. But a coalition of activists that includes the Electronic Privacy Information Center, the Center for Digital Democracy, Consumer Watchdog, and the Privacy Rights Clearinghouse filed a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission, arguing that the facial-recognition software is “unfair and deceptive.”

A media representative from Facebook said, “If they think that’s bad, wait until they get a load of our new Status Personalization and Information Edification System. And the best part: there’s so need to activate it, it’s already there.”

Friday, June 10, 2011

Adult Film Studio Courts Top Hollywood Talent for “Super Porn” Production

Tired of Reboots: Sorkin, Nolan and Fincher Commit to Adult Film, Seeking Original Project

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- In a bold, unprecedented move by any adult film studio, San Fernando’s Dixin Hohls Productions has announced the development of a new “super porn” feature, written, directed and produced by some of Hollywood’s most sought-after artists. Studio head Manley Caves said, “It’s time. There’s nothing original coming out of Hollywood, and with major studios focused on rebooting every film made before 1990, there’s a lot of talent out there with no real work to do. Well, we’ve solved all that. Porn invented the reboot. Seriously, how many times can you be surprised that a bored soccer mom is going to bang the Peruvian cable guy, or that two hot cheerleaders in a locker room suddenly realize they’re lesbians with a foot fetish? We’re seizing this opportunity to reinvent ourselves as the only studio pioneering something fresh.”

According to Caves, Dixin Hohls has already negotiated contracts with Academy Award winning juggernauts for the upcoming film, tentatively titled “In Flagrante Delicto -- Love’s Blazing Offense.”

Thursday, June 9, 2011

News in Photos: Newt Gingrich Campaign Staff Quits Over "Unpleasant Working Conditions"

Newt Gingrich’s embattled campaign for the 2012 Republican nomination imploded Thursday as two dozen top aides resigned en masse, citing “an explosive and unpleasant working environment.” The shakeup threatens to cripple the former House Speaker’s efforts at a comeback. While many have speculated that Gingrich’s campaign officials quit over his lack of direction, organization, leadership or consistent messaging, those departing blamed Gingrich’s toxic and chronic flatulence – and his insistence on playing the “pull my finger” game – as the reason.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Department of Education SWAT Team Raids Area Home Seeking Renegade Teacher

Secret Law Enforcement Teams in Every Government Agency, Official Reveals

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- A S.W.A.T. team, acting under orders from the U.S. Department of Education, raided a California home Tuesday and reportedly roughed up the owner, Thad Kittle, because of a student aid issue involving his estranged wife. One witness said, “They all had guns. They dragged him out in his boxer shorts, threw him to the ground and handcuffed him.” Kittle’s three children were also detained in the terrifying incident. His wife no longer lives at the address, and was not present.

The search warrant noted that authorities were seeking evidence related to Financial Aid Fraud, Conspiracy, Theft of Government Funds, False Statement to Government Agency and Wire Fraud. However, the judge who signed the warrant specifically deleted the line authorizing the search for “contraband or any other item that is immediately apparent to be evidence of a crime,” leading critics to question the use of excessive force...and why the Department of Education has an armed paramilitary.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

As U.S. Hits Debt Ceiling, Bank of America Forecloses on White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On May 21, House Republicans overwhelmingly rejected a measure to increase the government’s debt limit, acting on a vote staged by GOP leaders to pressure President Obama to commit to deep spending cuts. Without raising the $14.3 trillion debt ceiling by August 2, the Treasury Department anticipates that it will lose the ability to meet the government’s obligations without further borrowing. But as the deadline looms, and with Republicans and Democrats stalled at a partisan impasse, creditors have already begun implementing extreme measures to recover their money. Such a step was taken Tuesday when Bank of America’s chief executive, Brian Moynihan, announced that his company was foreclosing on the White House.

Monday, June 6, 2011

After Anthony Weiner Misunderstanding, Twitter Desperate to Purchase Technology Capable of Supporting Over 140 Characters

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- On May 27, a lewd photograph of a man’s bulging gray underwear was sent to a Seattle-based student named Gennette Cordova, who alleged that the image came from the Twitter account of Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY). In an emotional news conference Monday morning, after a week of denials, Weiner admitted to misleading the press and confessed that he had sent the picture. The fabricated story, he said, was the product of his panic after realizing that he had publicly posted a photo that he intended to send privately through the social networking site. Weiner continues to maintain that the tweet is more innocent than it appears.

Interestingly, a spokesperson from Twitter announced that the scandal has prompted the company to completely rethink its outdated technology: “We feel that Twitter shares the blame in the misunderstanding. When we began, the technology for supporting communication in excess of 140 characters just didn’t exist; and people can’t express themselves clearly with those limitations. Mr. Weiner is partially a victim of our shortcomings. It’s become clear to us that our system just plain sucks, and that other social networks are passing us by with their larger character allowances.”

Friday, June 3, 2011

After E. Coli Scare, Germany Accused of Incinerating Millions of Innocent Spanish Cucumbers Over Unproven Impurities

BERLIN, Germany -- An E. coli outbreak that killed 17 people across Europe has also killed diplomatic ties between certain EU members as political tensions increased over accusations and blame-shifting. Russia announced Tuesday that it had enacted a ban on all European vegetable shipments, even though the embargo would leave its citizens with only beets and turnips as produce choices. The biggest conflict, however, took root between Germany and Spain. Though investigators believe the outbreak originated in Germany, the German government initially placed the blame on cucumbers imported from Spain. In response, Spanish officials accused Germany of an aggressive, inhumane, and misguided campaign of “vegecide.”

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Dies, Obama Seeks New Head for Death Panel Agency

DETROIT, Mich. -- Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the controversial figure who championed assisted suicide and an individual’s right to die, passed away involuntarily at a Detroit-area hospital. He was 83. Kevorkian, who was released from a Michigan prison in 2007 after serving eight years for second-degree murder, had been suffering from kidney and respiratory problems.

As a result of Kevorkian’s loss, Democrats working on President Obama’s health care initiative have found themselves in a tough spot, much to the glee of Republicans. An administration spokesperson said Kevorkian’s passing is a tremendous setback to the Obamacare Death Panel Agency (DPA): “We had always envisioned Dr. Kevorkian heading up the DPA. Now, we’re not sure a suitable replacement even exists. It appears that Republicans may get their way on this piece of the health care legislation -- we’ll have to scrap the death panels for the foreseeable future.”

Thursday, June 2, 2011

GOP Presents “More Honest” and Conservative Version of Obama Food Pyramid Replacement

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The traditional food pyramid -- a relatively useless government chart depicting a healthy diet -- was scrapped and replaced on Thursday by Michele Obama’s plate-shaped chart, which GOP leaders derided as completely useless and dangerous. They called the Obama Food Plate a “travesty” and “a potential death blow to the nation’s vital fast food industry, which is already under attack by a growing number of states that are dictating what restaurants can and can’t sell.”

Forcing Americans to make different dietary choices, conservatives said, would destroy one of the last vestiges of free enterprise in the nation’s emerging socialist system. So to stress the importance of consumer choice and capitalism, GOP leaders today released a conservative version of the food chart, which “more accurately reflects the true diets and values of American families, and the businesses they depend on.”

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Local Tea Party Leader Commits Suicide After Fearing He Had Become Socialist

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Tragedy rocked the quiet suburbs of Bennington Vale on Wednesday as police found one of the county’s most influential citizens dead in his home. Guy El Tarasco famously managed the campaign of former Tea Party candidate Stanley Kotex. He was also a powerful conservative lobbyist and a friend to San Narciso business leaders.

“The cause of death was an apparent suicide,” police spokesman Ren Williams announced in a press briefing this morning. “There were no signs of foul play, and officers discovered a suicide note near the deceased. According to Mr. El Tarasco’s letter, he took his own life after realizing that, in his own words, ‘I might have become a socialist without knowing it was happening.’”

Copyright © 2014 The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript. Template Designed by OddThemes - WP Themes