Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Local Tea Party Leader Commits Suicide After Fearing He Had Become Socialist

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Tragedy rocked the quiet suburbs of Bennington Vale on Wednesday as police found one of the county’s most influential citizens dead in his home. Guy El Tarasco famously managed the campaign of former Tea Party candidate Stanley Kotex. He was also a powerful conservative lobbyist and a friend to San Narciso business leaders.

“The cause of death was an apparent suicide,” police spokesman Ren Williams announced in a press briefing this morning. “There were no signs of foul play, and officers discovered a suicide note near the deceased. According to Mr. El Tarasco’s letter, he took his own life after realizing that, in his own words, ‘I might have become a socialist without knowing it was happening.’”

Neighbors Worried When El Tarasco Missed Gay Pride Protests
Neighbors first began to suspect a problem last weekend when El Tarasco failed to appear at San Narciso’s controversial gay pride festival, which is entering its third year.

“Most people in the community are so sickened by the overt display of perversion that they leave town during ‘Pride’ weekend,” Mayor Manny DiPresso said. “Predominantly young, educated, single men. The big earners and the big spenders. We hear about them heading off to West Hollywood, Long Beach, and even as far as the Castro District in San Francisco. It’s very damaging to the local economy when our citizens feel forced out of their own homes by a handful of deviants. We’ve really taken an aggressive stance against the parade, but the more forceful our actions, the more people leave. It’s ironic.”

Although most people try desperately to ignore it, the parade manages to draw a number of protesters.

“Guy was always leading the demonstrations,” a neighbor said. “He was the most vocal, the most angry, the most violent, and the most morally driven of them all. A good human being.”

A Shocking Discovery
After receiving several calls about El Tarasco’s perceptible absence from his usual haunts, the SNPD dispatched a unit to his home. Officers found the door unlocked and El Tarasco’s body slumped on the entry way floor. He was naked from the waist down, wearing a t-shirt with a silk-screened image of Ayn Rand, and holding a bloodied copy of “The Fountainhead.” They also discovered a miniature skyscraper made of Legos, which had been urinated on. Police have yet to determine its significance in the case.

“He clearly attempted to shoot himself,” Ren Williams explained, “but the shot wasn’t fatal. The best we can figure at this time is that he finished the job by bludgeoning himself to death with that book.”

Because El Tarasco had no immediate family, authorities decided to release the transcript of his suicide note in full.

Despite all the truths I hold to be self evident, despite my deep hatred of government, and despite my staunchly conservative principles, I fear that I might have become a socialist without knowing it was happening. Last year, after Kotex lost his senate race, I found myself without work. I was too ashamed to admit it then.

The state started sending me unemployment checks, but even with that income, I couldn’t afford much. How do people live on less than six figures?

I found myself checking out books and DVDs from the Heritage Heights Library for entertainment, a true low. Why are “Pretty Woman” and “Did You Hear About the Morgans?” my only choices?

Then in February my house got broken into; I had cancelled my security monitoring contract months prior. There was no choice but to call the police, something I have always disdained. Not surprisingly, they seemed curt. They said that burglaries were low priority. They didn’t have enough officers because of cuts in the budget. Yeah, I’d heard all that before, but I wasn’t in a position to argue.

With gas prices soaring, and no way to fill up my Hummer, I was reduced to riding the train to job interviews. The stress was taking its toll, and in April, I got very sick. My personal physician said he couldn’t help me because my health insurance had run out, but the county hospital would see me for free if I was willing to show up and wait. I didn’t think anything of it at the time.

Finally, around the beginning of May, I got a job teaching political science at one of the county’s public schools. I thought things were looking up, especially when I cashed my first paycheck. But then I came home and took a long look in the mirror and realized, “Oh my vengeful God, I’ve become a socialist. I’ve been surviving on the backs of tax payers.”

There’s no way I can live with myself in this insidious system, a beast that tricks you and lures you into its commie jaws. I was weak, a worthless jackal suckling at the teat of the government, no better than a Venezuelan or a Cuban or a Canadian. I cannot continue with my life, knowing how I have betrayed America. I hope its people will stay strong and never find it in their hearts to forgive me, but to use me as an example of everything wrong with this world. Do not feel sorry for me. Despise me. Loathe me. Learn from me. Pass the Paul Ryan budget. Otherwise, you, my fellow Americans, could also be set adrift and destroyed by this merciless, liberal slave state. 

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.