Tuesday, June 7, 2011

As U.S. Hits Debt Ceiling, Bank of America Forecloses on White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On May 21, House Republicans overwhelmingly rejected a measure to increase the government’s debt limit, acting on a vote staged by GOP leaders to pressure President Obama to commit to deep spending cuts. Without raising the $14.3 trillion debt ceiling by August 2, the Treasury Department anticipates that it will lose the ability to meet the government’s obligations without further borrowing. But as the deadline looms, and with Republicans and Democrats stalled at a partisan impasse, creditors have already begun implementing extreme measures to recover their money. Such a step was taken Tuesday when Bank of America’s chief executive, Brian Moynihan, announced that his company was foreclosing on the White House.

Deadbeat Homeowners Called to Task
Critics expressed shock at the bank’s decision to foreclose on the command-in-chief’s residence, particularly because of the $45 billion handout BoA cheerfully accepted from the government as part of the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP).

In 2009, then CEO Ken Lewis said, “We appreciate the critical role that the U.S. government played last fall in helping to stabilize financial markets, and we are pleased to be able to fully repay the investment, with interest... As America’s largest bank, we have a responsibility to make good on the taxpayers’ investment.”

When asked how BoA could foreclose on the White House after receiving an astonishingly generous bailout package, current CEO Brian Moynihan reiterated that the bank was upholding its commitment to the American people, as expressed by Ken Lewis two years ago.

“There’s nothing untoward or politically motivated behind this decision,” Moynihan told reporters. “My predecessor hit the nail on the head when he said we have a responsibility to make good on the taxpayers’ investment. We paid back the loan given to us. We led by example. But the White House defaulted on its mortgage a long, long time ago. So while industrious people continue to save for their dream homes -- and hope against all odds that some bank will give them a loan -- we’ve got a bunch of squatters taking advantage of the system, right in the nation’s seat of power. In order to save the country from further debt, which will hobble taxpayers, we feel this action is necessary. It also sends the message that banks won’t tolerate people who get into mortgages they can’t manage, end up underwater on those mortgages, and expect to be saved. There are millions of responsible Americans who can’t afford a home. Why should these people languish while government safety nets enable parasites to pervert the system? The Obamas are not paying the lease on the White House; it’s just that simple. But the president’s salary is being paid by working Americans. There’s no reason a constitutional lawyer with an Ivy League education should need welfare. No more, I say.”

Problematic Foreclosure Process Presents Challenges
In 2010, BoA found itself forced to halt its foreclosures in all 50 states as a result of flawed documentation and “robo-signing.” However, a bank spokesperson defended the practices, saying, “Our ongoing assessment shows the basis for our past foreclosure decisions is accurate.”

Still, after a year of working to resolve these issues, BoA admits that it has run into obstacles during the White House foreclosure process.

“We have three primary hurdles to overcome,” the bank’s mortgage expert said. “First, we’re having trouble finding a copy of the original lease agreement. Second, President Obama’s staff keeps claiming that they never received any copies of the foreclosure documents we sent, so it’s been difficult for us to take any definitive action. And third, when we did show up at the White House with sheriff’s deputies to begin the eviction proceedings, we encountered an in-house security force that none of us was prepared to combat. These guys must’ve been military trained, and they outnumbered us 10 to 1.”

Countering BoA’s claims, White House staffers asserted that the bank had repeatedly engaged in illegal and unethical practices.

“Bank of America is using unverified, and at times false, data to speed along their unwarranted foreclosure process,” a ranking staff member said on condition of anonymity. For the purposes of reporting, he requested that he be referred to as “Mr. Daley.”

To cite one glaring example, Daley illustrated how the bank had attempted to leverage a deceased previous owner in the process.

“The first owner was a man named John Adams. His is the only name on the mortgage. President Obama’s name appears on the deed alone. Crazy as it sounds, BoA tried to tell us that they had been in contact with Mr. Adams. Now they refuse to deal with us, alleging that Mr. Adams has been fully informed of the foreclosure. Okay, John Adams died 210 years ago. What did BoA do, send a Pony Express agent with the papers? Hold a seance? Build a TARDIS? It’s criminal, what they’re doing. Sure, we’ve encountered some complications with keeping our payments current, but we’ve been speaking with some nice Chinese gentlemen who can help us consolidate our debt and possibly take out a second on the place. We’ll get through this, and every other struggling American homeowner must surely sympathize with our plight. The banks have gone rogue, and someone with regulatory authority should do something about it.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

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