Posted by : BC Bass Friday, June 10, 2011

Tired of Reboots: Sorkin, Nolan and Fincher Commit to Adult Film, Seeking Original Project

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- In a bold, unprecedented move by any adult film studio, San Fernando’s Dixin Hohls Productions has announced the development of a new “super porn” feature, written, directed and produced by some of Hollywood’s most sought-after artists. Studio head Manley Caves said, “It’s time. There’s nothing original coming out of Hollywood, and with major studios focused on rebooting every film made before 1990, there’s a lot of talent out there with no real work to do. Well, we’ve solved all that. Porn invented the reboot. Seriously, how many times can you be surprised that a bored soccer mom is going to bang the Peruvian cable guy, or that two hot cheerleaders in a locker room suddenly realize they’re lesbians with a foot fetish? We’re seizing this opportunity to reinvent ourselves as the only studio pioneering something fresh.”

According to Caves, Dixin Hohls has already negotiated contracts with Academy Award winning juggernauts for the upcoming film, tentatively titled “In Flagrante Delicto -- Love’s Blazing Offense.”

Superstar Team
Manley Caves, swelling with pride, revealed the details of the creative team: “The first person to commit was Aaron Sorkin, who will be our head writer. After the news of his involvement was released, David Fincher signed on to produce, and Chris Nolan agreed to direct. Rounding out the team is Quentin Tarantino, who will provide specialized dialog in a couple of key scenes, as well as script doctoring. It’s going to be amazing.”

Richard Shafthat, a spokesman for the Adult Film Industry, said that no adult entertainment company has come close to achieving a project of this caliber.

“This is the climax of adult film,” Shafthat exclaimed. “I’ve never seen anything like it. The dialog is phenomenal.”

Revolutionary Adult Film
The plot revolves around a slightly autistic private investigator mired in a seemingly banal case of adultery, which turns muddy and conspiratorial. His guarded personality and detachment from society become compromised when a busty vixen named Becky moves into his neighborhood. She subsequently insinuates herself into his life after he rescues her from an abusive sexual encounter with a white supremacist.

Shafthat said, “The movie demonstrates its power right at the beginning when Harry, the film’s protagonist, explains to his friend, Horst, the darker facets of his work.”

Take psychology and a desire to help others out of the equation, Horst. An understanding of human nature hinders the work. Tell yourself that each client bears some portion of the guilt, because you’re not allowed to pity them. They’re not people, they’re clients. More importantly, never think of your marks as people. They’re investigations. To discover what a person is doing, you must never understand why. They’ll want to know why, your clients. They’ll say that’s what they’re paying you for. Leave the whys to them. The last thing you should ever do is try to figure people out, because you can’t risk asking the uncomfortable questions. Questions about other people. About yourself. That crosses all the lines. That leads to intimacy. And intimacy is death in this industry.

“There’s another fantastic moment toward the end when, after severing ties with Becky, Harry receives an adult DVD in the mail,” Shafthat continued. “Two girls from the apartment complex convince Harry to play it for fun. As the DVD progresses, we see Harry drinking alone on the couch while one of the girls bends her friend over a stool to pleasure her with an over-sized dildo. Then, glancing up at the television screen, Harry recognizes Becky in the film, wedged between the writhing bodies of four ‘home invaders.’ His revelation, expressed in a rare voice over, is one of the most compelling pieces of drama in porn. I mean, just think of what Sorkin and Fincher and Nolan accomplished: the play within the play, right out of ‘Hamlet.’ Sheer genius.”

But I was a different audience. What I saw on the screen was an uncomfortable parody of love, revealing itself to me from a room as sparsely furnished as Becky’s happiness. Because, for Becky, love had always been about emptiness. About anger. Love as Becky experienced it, as the people closest to her demonstrated it, was about abuse -- accepting it, controlling it and eventually embracing it.

She had tested me, and I had failed. I was no different than anyone else in her life. Because I never looked beyond her facade. Because I was more superficial than her. I’d treated her like other people -- as the subject of an investigation. But Becky had never been the subject of this investigation. And I was not the investigator.

For his money, though, Manley Caves said the most thrilling encounter in the production was a scene authored entirely by Tarantino, in which a philosophical argument about Peter Parker, the alter ego of comic book hero Spiderman, takes place during one of the largest orgies ever captured on camera.

“It makes ‘Caligula’ look like a sewing circle,” Caves said. “Imagine combining a circle jerk with an interracial, interspecies swinger’s party in an airplane hanger, and you’d still fall short of the scene’s scope.”

Caves, who remained reluctant to divulge all the details, said that the back-and-forth exchange of dialog mirrors the back-and-forth exchange of sexual favors, in substance and intensity.

“A character named Biff, one of the bodybuilders leading the circle jerk, starts to speculate that perhaps Peter Parker is crazy; that his exposure to radioactivity, while granting him super powers, has also warped his mind. And that there really are no villains threatening the city -- none of those weirdos in goblin costumes, or with access to impossible technologies like mechanical octopus arms. But the real payload in the shot is delivered by its irony. When all the actors reach a simultaneous happy ending, they do so realizing Peter Parker’s unhappy ending, which has become manifest in his pathetic attempts to justify his existence after killing his uncle during the fit of dementia he suffers from the radiation poisoning. It’s a moving, wonderful piece of cinema. There’s also a one-armed midget, a talking Georgia O’Keeffe painting and a German tranny.”

“In Flagrante Delicto -- Love’s Blazing Offense” has been scheduled for an August release.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

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