Thursday, June 16, 2011

Congress and New York Ponder Question of Life Without Their Weiner

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- After succumbing to the pressure placed on him by Democrats and Republicans, Anthony Weiner decided to resign his post as the Representative of New York’s 9th District on Thursday. “This is how Congress handles a member: strokes it, then throttles it till it cries,” Weiner allegedly tweeted, despite his advisers urging him to stay away from his Twitter account. The burning question now facing the House and the Empire State: What happens when you lose your Weiner?

Weiner was Hard but Sensitive
Within the halls of Congress, Weiner was known to be one of the most intense and demanding members. In a political environment rife with friction, self-gratification and palm greasing, Weiner stood out as a hard and cocksure advocate for his constituency.

“A lot of the older members couldn’t measure up,” one political analyst said. “They got soft, couldn’t last long enough in heated sessions and failed to satisfy their partners at every turn. But Weiner was never flaccid. He was a master debater; he was firm enough to penetrate any dank hole the GOP stuffed in his face, and ultimately plant the seeds of bipartisanship in the belly of that beast.”

A Democratic senator from New York also praised Weiner’s stamina: “He was a tough one, no shrinking violet. Every day, Weiner went up against dry and stuffy old coots, but he always managed to loosen the tightest lips. He was rigid and unrelenting, but he was persuasive -- a real social lubricant.”

Weiner himself admitted, “I push pretty hard... I have nothing but love for people who endured it, even if they endured it for a short period of time.”

For now, Weiner’s future plans remain uncertain. What is known is that Governor Andrew Cuomo will call for a special election to find a temporary replacement until the 2012 election.

“Those are some pretty big trousers to fill,” Cuomo said. “But we’ll find a way to pack another Weiner in that seat.”

Losing Weiner Gelds the Donkey
With Republicans reigning as the majority party in the House of Representatives, Weiner’s resignation further weakens the Democratic vote, which could cost the party vital leverage in the upcoming elections.

“Having Weiner removed really sprains the Democrats’ chances to retake the House,” said Ferrel Michaels, a progressive pundit based in Maryland. “It’s like gelding a stallion before a big race.”

Michaels also said that Weiner was one of the few Democrats willing to step up and challenge the united front of the Republican Party.

“He was bold, confident and committed to his people. You know, I look at people like Dick Army, Dick Cheney, Dick Lugar and Richard Nixon, and I realize that there are so many awful Dicks in politics but not enough Weiners. Cutting off this Weiner simply emasculates us. And by that, I mean forcing Anthony Weiner to resign over his personal business turns Congress into a great, ball-less scrotum that’s about as potent to the cause of the American people as a bottle of Viagra in a eunuch’s medicine cabinet.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.