Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Study: Child Dies in Portable Pool Every 5 Days, Child’s Parents Completely Freaked Out
“The primary method of prevention is constant adult supervision, supplemented by barriers, alarms and other related devices,” said John Smith, the doctor overseeing the research team at the hospital. “We encourage homeowners to purchase additional layers of protection and to be more mindful of their children’s activities.”
But Phillip Harkness, the father of the seemingly immortal boy, said pool safety was now the least of his concerns: “What the hell are these doctors yammering about? Christ Almighty, Jack drowned and then came back to life. I don’t know squat about CPR. He just, just, I don’t know, he resurrected like that Lazer guy in the Bible. Now he does it on a lark to see what’ll happen. Last night I caught him sitting in the pool with a toaster. No pulse. He’d eaten glass, sucked down a bottle of chlorine, and was watching ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’ on the portable TV -- the complete series! No human could survive all that. But then, a minute later, he popped back to life. It ain’t natural what he’s doing to himself...to us. I got church groups banging down my freaking door at all hours now. And when I ask the Children’s Hospital for help, they tell me to make sure Jack ain’t left unattended in the pool, or to invest in a fence. I swear, ever since he started playing near that blue phone box they installed on the corner, things have been pretty goddamn weird.”
(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.