Monday, June 20, 2011

History Geek Alyssa Campanella Crowned Miss USA, Proving Beauty Deeper than the Skin Deep Kind of Beauty

“Beauty is only skin deep, but it’s also deeper than the skin, and it goes all the way down past the skin, and is more beautiful, but it’s also part of the skin, and both are OK,” says new Miss USA

LAS VEGAS, Nev. -- Alyssa Campanella, a self-proclaimed “history geek” representing California, was crowned Miss USA at the annual beauty pageant held in Las Vegas on Sunday. The 21-year-old stunner, who was born and raised in the Garden State, moved to Los Angeles 18 months ago to represent the Golden State. Although favored by pageant experts, some critics questioned Campanella’s representation of California given that she spent most of her life in New Jersey. However, supporters pointed out that California natives are generally mole-like creatures who toil away in auto garages and apartment management careers. Bennington Vale homemaker Bethany Brightslice, who relocated to San Narciso County from Connecticut in 1980, said, “What makes California beautiful is its ability to attract wealthy and gorgeous transplants to its shores. Alyssa Campanella is actually the perfect spokesperson. And, she’s the first beauty queen to embrace her intellect over her looks. You’re not going to find that in most California natives, with the state’s horrible education ranking.”

A natural blond, Campanella dyed her hair red, saying that flaxen-haired women are too often stereotyped as “big smelly dumb-dumbs.” She also wanted to express her support for less fortunate, frequently bullied “gingers,” a group she donates a great deal of time and money to helping.

Classic Beauty is Classics Lover
Alyssa Campanella captured the hearts and imaginations of pageant judges after admitting that she was a “huge history geek” with a special interest in the Tudor and Stuart periods.

“I watch ‘Game of Thrones,’ I watched ‘Camelot’ -- I know those are fantasy, but I also watch ‘The Tudors,’ so I’m a huge history geek,” she told co-host Giuliana Rancic.

She added in the interview that her favorite monarch was Mary, Queen of Scots, who was beheaded in 1587. She first gained interest in the life of Mary after listening to a famous Monty Python radio skit called “The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots.” A partial transcript of the bit follows:

Man’s voice: Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?

Woman’s voice: I am!

(sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted. All of this accompanied by screaming from the woman.)

(music fades up and out)

Other historical dramas that have influenced Campanella’s passion for antiquities and bygone eras include “Braveheart,” Sophia Coppola’s “Marie Antoinette,” “A Knight’s Tale,” “300,” “Gladiator,” “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” and “Shakespeare in Love.”

Tough Cookie Campanella Tackles Tough Questions
Campanella won the title despite giving a muddled answer when a judge asked her whether marijuana should be legalized in California, particularly for economic reasons.

“Well, I understand why that question would be asked, especially with today’s economy, but I also understand that medical marijuana is very important to help those who need it medically,” Campanella said. “In that way, medical marijuana is sort of like medicine. I’m not sure if it should be legalized, if it would really affect, with the drug war. That kind of tells me there’s a war going on, and the people on drugs are winning. America doesn’t lose wars. So we need to get the Army in there and take down the Islamic pot lords. I mean, it’s abused today, unfortunately, so that’s the only reason why I would kind of be a little bit against it, but medically it’s OK. And if the law-making people legalize it, then that would be great too. But I still wouldn’t do it because my friends tell me that weed makes you hungry, and I can’t risk eating food at this stage in my career.”

Campanella also stood firm in the face of controversy when she espoused the idea of teaching evolution in schools, subsequently declaring herself a “science geek.”

“I’m a huge science geek too. I was taught evolution in high school. I believe in the Big Bang Theory,” she added. “It’s a great show, and I hope it gets renewed. Also, as I look around the audience and my fellow contestants, it’s hard to deny the theory of evolution. Don’t so many of them look like they came from monkeys?”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.