Monday, June 20, 2011

Newly Single, Hugh Hefner Dreads Challenges of Dating Scene: “Where Does a Guy Like Me Find Beautiful Women?”

Photo courtesy of Reuters
LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, 85, prepares to face an uncertain future of bachelorhood after being dumped at the altar by 25-year-old fiancee Crystal Harris last weekend. Although Harris claimed that she called off the engagement over “jitters” about living as a virtual sex prisoner behind the walls of a cloistered mansion -- in regimented servitude as part of a highly competitive harem -- friends say Harris had misgivings about Hefner’s alleged obsession with Daryl Dragon of the super-duo Captain and Tennille.

“This was going to be my wedding day, but life is full of surprises. After all is said & done, staying single is probably for the best,” Hefner posted on Twitter. He did not include a photo of his underpants.

According to sources inside the Playboy Mansion, a heartbroken Hefner immersed himself in romantic films such as “Sleepless in Seattle,” “50 First Dates,” “Last Tango in Paris,” “American Beauty,” “Citizen Kane” and “Runaway Bride,” forcing the mansion’s indentured Playmates to endure the screenings in an endless 72-hour loop.

“It was like a country song gone to extremes,” said a man named Klipspringer, a strange squatter who took up residence in the mansion two years ago after attending a party and never leaving. “Crystal took his love, took his dog, took his money and went to town.”

Klipspringer said that during the movie screenings, Hef made the girls tape stickers over their mouths that said “Runaway Bride -- Crystal Harris.” Then he had t-shirts printed up that said “Life’s a Bitch. Crystal Harris is a [expletive deleted].”

“He’s had me singing ‘Muskrat Love’ non-stop for days while he plays the piano, even though the song he plays is ‘Chopsticks.’ That’s why I’m wearing this dress. He keeps calling my Toni,” Klipspringer added.

But those closest to Hefner fear that beginning life again at 85 will be difficult for the unassuming and shy media magnate.

“It’s hard getting back into the dating scene, even with help,” said Hef’s pharmacist, pondering a half-empty bottle of blue pills. “I mean, where does he go to meet eligible girls? It’s not like he’s surrounded by countless numbers of beautiful, single women who’re willing to throw themselves at his feet. As a man, he needs to constantly question what differentiates him from the rest of the pack. Meeting women is rough. Then when you find the right girl, you never know if she will get to a point in the relationship where she feels comfortable enough to take off her clothes in front of you. It’s just a tragedy. I hope he can pull together and find love again. Preferably next week, when I refill his prescription.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.
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