Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Trump Orders White House Evacuation, Citing Threat of Independence Day Attacks by Illegal Aliens


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Panicked White House staffers reported that President Trump directly curtailed planned Independence Day celebrations to order an evacuation of the grounds early Wednesday morning, citing an alien threat. Interns described the president’s behavior as erratic. “His mannerisms were more deranged than usual, and he was spewing delusions about invasions and annihilation,” one said. Secret Service initially believed Trump had procured evidence of a massive, possibly hostile attack from immigrants and civil rights activists who have been protesting the internment of children separated from their parents at the controversial Casa Padre facility in Texas. But sources now claim that Trump’s actions came in response to an airing of the 1996 film “Independence Day,” which he mistook for “intel from the future collected by NSA ‘precogs.’”

Trump Attempts to Board Fighter Plane and Defeat Aliens Alone

Shortly after ordering the evacuation of the White House and surrounding buildings, President Trump disappeared from the view of Secret Service agents.

“The official response is that we lost sight of him briefly during the confusion,” said Mark Eagleseit, a spokesperson for the Secret Service. “The unofficial response is a policy of turn the other cheek, as we’re calling it. Like, look away and perhaps this nightmare will end. Mr. Trump has been quite preoccupied with illegal aliens from places like Mars and Kolob. Last week he insisted that he had been abducted and anally probed. We later learned that he was simply forced to undergo his routine physical and prostate exams, which occurred in the White House nursing station -- and the president is convinced that any area outside his television room is the ‘vivisection chamber’ of a UFO.”

“We’re pretty sure he pulled a series of fire alarms near the Oval Office to trigger the alert,” Eagleseit added. “Some folks said they saw an amorphous orange creature slithering down the halls in a strangely fashioned loin cloth. They thought Mr. Trump may have been right about an invasion. We later verified it was the president in his underpants, hysterical after staying up all night watching the movie ‘Independence Day’ and eating 18 KFC family value meals.”

Trump was eventually apprehended and subdued by military security at Joint Base Andrews, a facility in Maryland under the jurisdiction of the United States Air Force 11th Wing. Ranking personnel stated that Mr. Trump was observed trudging across an airstrip in an ill-fitting flight suit. He attempted to commandeer an F-16 Fighting Falcon, insisting that he was a decorated war pilot who would take down the “alien mothership” with Randy Quaid.
The president, though stable, will remain under a 48-hour protective hold for further observation and psychological assessments.

The Galactic Alien Threat -- It’s Not Just Muslims and Mexicans

President Trump’s bizarre behavior may not be inconsistent with his recent stance on wider-scale immigration perils. He has remained relentless in his crusade to secure the nation’s borders from foreign influences. What many Americans may not know is that Trump has been fighting the battle on three fronts: one domestic, one abroad, and one interstellar. Most recently, he announced his intentions to form Space Force, a new branch of the military to patrol the no man’s land of outer space -- a vast 360-degree access point that leaves Earth utterly defenseless against alien aggressors from across the universe.

“Seldom has a great nation been so vulnerable,” Rep. Jim Cooper told reporters on June 18, reminding Terran citizens that space could transform into a “military battlefield, a place where this nation’s independence is protected or lost.”

Trump’s solution? As explained by the Washington Post editorial board: “Create a ‘Space Force’ to defend this nation’s security against adversaries that could gain military superiority on the ground via military dominance overhead, in space.”

The catalyst to this newest iteration of xenophobia likely came from the discovery of an exoplanet last year. On February 20, 2017, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) teased an intriguing find. The announcement alluded to the possibility that scientists had identified life-sustainable planets beyond our solar system. Astronomers applauded the news, but terrified Trump officials described the discovery as an immigration powder keg, on a galactic scale.

The border wall championed by President Trump has endured as a divisive issue, even among Republicans. Democrats see the structure as an ideological barrier to diversity -- a racist monument. Republicans worry about the incredible costs taxpayers would absorb for erecting the wall. Trump has continued to assert that his administration will spare no expense to safeguard American sovereignty, economic interests, or jobs.

“They’re coming over here, you know Mexicans and jihadists, and they’re rapists and drug dealers,” Trump said. “And they’re stealing our jobs. They’re putting American rapists and drug dealers out of work. Because they can rape and deal for pennies on the dollar.”

But Trump, during the past two years, has also submitted proposals for a Space Wall and a Death Star, which he criticized former President Obama from vetoing. Trump blasted the decision as a willful act in a prepared 2017 statement:

Obviously, Barack Obama was colluding with a foreign interest, who had probably blackmailed him. In this case, one of these demonic planets. He gave a bunch of BS reasons to NOT build a space wall or battle moon or whatever. Because he was already planning to let the aliens through. It’s a Muslim thing, what can I say? But it doesn’t matter how many gazillions of dollars you’ll have to pay in taxes, we’re building the Death Star and we’re going to keep America safe. You know, our second greatest president -- because according to the polls and my tremendous mandate and bigly popularity, I’m the greatest -- Ronald Reagan, a wonderful leader, you know, he developed a Star Wars defense. Laser blasters could shoot down enemy ICBMs. But Obama stopped all that. I’m going to carry on where Reagan left off. Death Star. That also means jobs, new career paths for military personnel, stores that will carry Ivanka’s fashion line and the biggest Trump luxury hotel/casino in the universe. Expect an executive order next week after I meet with Stephen Miller to figure out when Jar Jar will vote for the transfer of supreme emergency powers.

In 2013, according to the Washington Post, the federal government was alerted to the possibility of alien incursion through a petition demanding the construction of a Death Star. The public request received the 250,000 signatures required to elicit a response from the White House. Concerned citizens, anticipating an inevitable refugee crisis from beyond the Milky Way, urged science and technology advisers to build a DS-1 Class Orbital Battle Station capable of shielding the Earth from attack.

Obama officials, however, scoffed at the $850 quadrillion budget, claiming the cost was too high in a time of tight budgets. Adviser Paul Shawcross told petitioners that “the administration does not support blowing up planets… Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?”

(c) 2018. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

Share this:

Copyright © 2014 The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript. Template Designed by OddThemes - WP Themes