Monday, December 12, 2016

Trump Plans Border Security with Leading Bald Supervillains

Trump Meets with Blofeld, Dr. Evil, The Gunslinger and Lex Luthor

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In the first week of October, President-elect Donald Trump met with key members of the National Border Patrol Council to secure the group’s endorsement for his plans to build a wall along the United States-Mexico border. Images from the forum -- featuring white, balding, middle-aged men -- resembled a comic book panel of villainous masterminds plotting the overthrow of the Justice League. But mainstream media once again missed the mark by describing the gathering as “Trump with Four Lex Luthors.” More astute reporters would have noticed one Lex Luthor accompanied by Blofeld, Dr. Evil and The Gunslinger.

Mr. President, Put Up That Wall

The border patrol council’s vice president informed of an alarming number of undocumented criminal immigrants being apprehended by agents in Arizona. He urged haste in pushing the agenda through, telling Trump that the departing administration was scrambling to expedite the immigration process ahead of the vote. With an influx of new citizens to cast ballots legally, Obama had hoped to tip the election in Clinton’s favor.

Trump responded in kind by employing Russian nationals to sway the vote toward him. Demonstrating his refined business acumen, Trump managed to rig the ballots without impacting immigration and customs officials. Where Obama’s efforts relied on illegal immigrants and sloppy naturalization exceptions, Trump merely outsourced the job to cheap labor abroad -- in this case, Russia.

The incoming president’s proposed wall would stand 55 feet in height and span approximately 1,989 miles. Interestingly, 1989 was the year another famous anti-immigration, or rather anti-emigration, wall came down in Europe. Unlike that structure, Trump’s barrier would embrace a more rational approach.

As the Washington Post noted: “We know it will be concrete, and we know that it will have a ‘big, beautiful door’ in it, so the ‘good ones’ came come on in.” The portal, a Trump engineering consultant explained, would provide access to non-criminal, non-rapey Mexicans who demonstrate the aptitude and attitude to integrate with American culture.

“If you’re attempting entry to the United States with nothing but a pregnant wife and a sombrero, you can probably forget it,” the engineer said. “If you have experience folding towels, washing dishes, landscaping, harvesting crops, flipping burgers and performing custodial services for the hospitality industry, the door could be wide open. If you’re equipped with your own leaf blower, that would be an excellent advantage over the competition.”

Although Trump generally loathes Latinos, he confessed to keeping an open mind, as evidenced by the inclusion of the door.

“It’s a very presidential thing to do. Very presidential. Incredibly presidential to look at individuals within groups, even the filthy, nasty groups,” Trump said. “We have a lot of the good ones working in our hotels right now. And as you know, I’m not bound to this whole One China thing. It’s not competitive, it’s not good business. Some of the best Chinese takeout I’ve ever stuffed down my puckered hole has been cooked by Mexicans. Not the rapists, but the good ones. Why should Chinamen have a monopoly on what Jews can eat at Christmas? Those are the important issues we’re working out with the fine people at the border patrol, which will soon be rebranded the Legion of Biodiversity.”

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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