Thursday, December 1, 2016

Secretary of State Petraeus to Reinvestigate Gen. Petraeus’ Email Scandal


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although Donald Trump’s cabinet is slowly coming together, his transition team struggles to fill key positions. Trump recently interviewed disgraced former CIA Director David Petraeus for the role of Secretary of State. After the meeting, Trump told reporters that he was “very impressed” with the retired general, who is currently on probation for distributing classified government intelligence through personal email servers. In 2012, Petraeus uncovered his own affair after discovering incriminating emails he sent to a woman. He said Secretary of State Petraeus would reopen his investigation into Gen. Petraeus’ wrongdoing to ensure no conflict of interest. He also discussed the possibility of imposing an even harsher sentence on himself based on the renewed findings.

Honor Among Thieves

Despite a slew of ideological departures, and ignoring the obvious irony of Trump defending Petraeus while calling for Hillary Clinton’s head, the president-elect cited more similarities with Petraeus than differences. Both men are philanderers and adulterers. Both have been accused of serious crimes. And both, at one time or another, have placed the nation’s security at risk.

The selection may still rile Trump’s conservative base. Petraeus advocates for stringent gun control standards and a widening of federal oversight. He has openly supported immigration programs that would allow Syrian and Iraqi refugees to settle in the United States, where, Trump’s alt-right supporters fret, they will sire hordes of brown anchor babies who will cannibalize the indigenous Caucasian peoples and ruin the economy with an unstoppable expansion of welfare.

The erstwhile general also opposed Sen. Tom Cotton’s (R-Ark.) controversial denouncement of President Obama’s Iran deal. He continues to criticize blanket favoritism toward Israel and has illegally divulged state secrets via private email and correspondence. However, the biggest hurdle rises from Petraeus’ experience.

“Donald Trump is building the richest, most unconventional White House team in history,” remarked Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s campaign manager. “He’s clearing the swamp. We’re getting rid of the gators and filling the muck with sharks. That’s precisely why Gen. Petraeus is problematic. Here is a man with years of laudable military service, intelligence experience, leadership abilities, socially responsible positions, and bi-partisan government ties. If he were, say, a staunchly evangelical finance executive and gun enthusiast, with a penchant for barely legal Czech prostitutes, this would be an easier sell to American voters.”

Accepting the post, however, may also complicate the terms of Petraeus’ probation.

This Chicken Ain’t Gonna Fly the Coop

According to the court judgment against Petraeus, he must “notify the probation officer within 72 hours of any change in residence or employment.”

Petraeus would also be forbidden to leave the Western District of North Carolina without the permission of the court or his probation officer. Work travel would likewise require similar approvals. The biggest discrepancy is how Petraeus, a convicted felon who freely emailed sensitive intelligence to a friend with benefits, would maintain confidential documents while on probation: the provisions of his parole subject him to warrantless searches by a probation officer, which cover laptops and phones.

Trump’s closest adviser, Stephen Bannon, admitted having serious concerns. “I know what types get hired as probation officers,” he said. “You know, people who satisfy some sort of set-aside or mandated diversity quota. Stupid black women, probably dykes, is what I’m getting at. Do you really trust Aunt Jemima’s ugly sister with the Secretary of State’s iPhone? Believe me, you don’t want someone like that calling up the British Prime Minister, the Mexican president, Bernie Sanders or the bin Laden family.”

Petraeus’ probation officer, Rhonda Whitlow, also called the arrangement worrisome. “This chicken ain’t gonna fly the coop again,” she stated. “He’s done everything he can to mess with his ankle bracelet. He listed ‘The X-Files Basement in the FBI Building’ as his work address, which was crap. Turns out, he was begging for drinks outside some hole called Colonel Cream’s. Every time he don’t comply with the schedule, he tells me his grammaw died. That means he got about 22 dead grammies. Blamed that s**t on zombies. And now some cracker realtor wants to give Davey a gun and a security job? That just pisses me off. And I ain’t going to sign it. Somebody got community service hours, and litter don’t pick itself up off the highway.”

Petraeus Uncovered Own Affair After Finding Incriminating Emails He Sent to Woman

Four years ago, this shocking revelation brought an abrupt close to Petraeus’ brief stint at the CIA, and also marred his highly praised national security career. At one time, Petraeus was even considered a prospective presidential candidate because of his pristine record, military decorations and exemplary conduct. The former four-star general tendered his resignation over the infidelity and improper handling of classified information.

Petraeus had been married 37 years, although military officials said they suspected him of adultery for some time. The person most rocked by the discovery, however, was Petraeus himself, who uncovered the scandal after coming across a series of incriminating emails that described an affair he was having with a former military officer named Paula Broadwell.

When asked about his reaction to the confession, Petraeus said he thought it showed “extremely poor judgment” for a person of Gen. Petraeus’s stature and authority.

“I am actively reviewing all the emails David Petraeus sent,” Petraeus told reporters at the time. “As the director of the CIA, it is my responsibility to ensure the proper handling of sensitive materials and the ethical standards of top spies like Gen. Petraeus. There are an awful lot of messages, and many are indiscriminate and obscene -- difficult to read. What I can tell you, based on the evidence at my disposal, is that Mr. Petraeus and Ms. Broadwell met together secretly for some time, may have been in love and likely engaged in bizarre, sexually deviant acrobatics. Direct your attention to the email titled ‘Jerk du Soleil’ for more details. I feel terrible for Mr. Petraeus’ wife, Holly, and regret having to expose her to this humiliation.”

Interestingly, educators extolled the Petraeus incident for its academic value. Because of the public’s fixation on where Gen. Petraeus chose to “deploy his Hummers” outside the theaters of war, Americans learned that the U.S. military had been engaged in missions throughout Afghanistan, Pakistan and Somalia. Today, many can identify at least two of those countries on a world map, within a 250-mile radius.

Petraeus Promises No Leniency for Criminals Like Petraeus

Petraeus made no excuses for Gen. Petraeus’ past moral transgressions, inappropriate behavior or criminal violation of confidentiality. He did, however, use the situation to bolster his candidacy for Secretary of State.

“David Petraeus was the nation’s top spy,” Petraeus said. “And I managed to catch his illicit activities and prosecute him. This is why I am suited to serve in Donald Trump’s cabinet, overseeing the nation’s foreign policy.”

As Secretary of State, Petraeus has pledged to reexamine the case of CIA Director Petraeus. Although he believes the information transmitted to Paula Broadwell was more personal than official in nature, Petraeus said he would not show restraint, leniency or indecisiveness, referencing FBI Director James Comey’s bungling of the Clinton email scandal.

“If, upon reassessing Petraeus’ actions in 2012, I discover additional emails or leaked information or improperly documented government correspondence, I will throw that bastard in prison myself and strip away his citizenship,” Petraeus assured.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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