Thursday, December 29, 2016

Tourette’s Rattles Amish Community, Exposes Fallacy of Socialized Healthcare


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The small Amish enclave in San Narciso’s Kinneret Hills was rattled this Christmas by the discovery of Tourette syndrome in one of its teens, according to reports from the community’s local paper and a physician who resides near “Amish Acres,” as the area is called by neighboring residents. Tourette’s is a congenital neuropsychiatric disorder characterized by physical spasms and peculiar vocal tics, which can include profanity, derogatory remarks and socially unacceptable outbursts. In an interesting corollary, Rep. Tom Price (R-Ga.), Trump’s appointee for the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), said the incident -- and the community’s handling of it -- revealed the fallacy of social medical programs. Price has long sought to dismantle Obamacare and replace Medicare with a voucher system. “The Amish, stunned as they are by the offensive outbursts of a child, are handling the situation as real Americans should,” Price said. “They’re tolerating it, placing the infirm pariah in quarantine and praying for God’s assistance -- not the taxpayers’.”

Foul Mouth Befouls Christmas Celebration

Elders within the reclusive Amish community said the “grave spiritual impurity” came to light Friday evening after Tobias Verschmutzt, 12, disrupted school services by asking his teacher for a “gosh darn piece of blasted paper.” The schoolmistress, a 22-year-old spinster, swooned with shock and fainted before her pupils. She remains unable to work and will need to convalesce for at least another week.

Preachers delivering the holiday sermon also noticed and chastised the boy’s disruptive behavior. According to several members of the church, young Verschmutzt made unwelcome whooping sounds, fiendish noises and used unflattering terms to describe the beards of two bishops.

California's Secret Amish Migration

The Amish, traditionally Pennsylvania Dutch, are a group of traditionalist Christians who trace their origins to the Mennonite churches of the early 17th century. Springing from Anabaptist denominations, they are most readily characterized by pacifism and eschewing modern luxuries and resources. Amish communities are close-knit and do not accept outsiders unless those individuals commit to joining the church and immersing themselves wholly in the society. They are generally considered one of America’s most misunderstood groups.

Not many county residents can recall just how or why the Amish came to settle in San Narciso, but Mayor Manny DiPresso says they were invited in the early 1970s.

San Narciso was founded in 1966 by wealthy real estate magnate Pierce Inverarity and Yoyodyne CEO Clayton “Bloody” Chiclitz. The Galactronics Division of Yoyodyne, one of the nation’s most vital aerospace and defense contractors, endures as the county’s primary employer. According to DiPresso, private correspondence between Inverarity and Chiclitz provides evidence of their interest in the Amish, which historical records did not preserve.

“From what I’ve read, it seems Inverarity had convinced Chiclitz that the Amish regularly participated in a brutal bloodsport called rake fighting, or just raking,” DiPresso explained. “He was hoping to give the Amish some land in exchange for exhibitions of their to-the-death rakings before paying audiences. Sort of like Mexican cock fights or brunch at Michael Vick’s place.”

In one of the letters DiPresso shared, Inverarity wrote: “The Amish are a lot like the Quakers, Clayton. They’re both pacifist outfits. Neither of these religious groups will fight in a war. That’s what they say, anyway. I think it’s a load of crap. Look, if the Quakers produced Richard Nixon, just imagine the horrors the Amish are hiding away in their barns. My sources tell me that young Amish boys, the ones generally left to tend the chickens and their hatchlings, are indoctrinated to raking early. The adults encourage them to practice on the fowl. You know, ‘Go rake some chicks, boys!’”

While Chiclitz never embraced his partner’s theories about the Fightin’ Amish, or anything else, he cooperated with Inverarity for financial gain.

“Pierce also believed Amish craftsmen were capable of building a rocket ship out of mahogany, iron and hand-blown glass, and then sending it to colonize the moon,” DiPresso said. “So he offered Chiclitz an exceedingly generous annuity to fund the project through Yoyodyne until its completion, which will never happen. That’s partially why Yoyodyne is always profitable and why Amish Acres has a space program -- a large grain silo with a sign that reads ‘Amish Aeronautics and Astrophysics Agency.’”

Tourette Discovery -- Amish Boy Speaks the Unspeakable

The Amish live a communal lifestyle focused on family, work and religion. The essence of family is paternalistic and tiered. The Amish also demand and enforce strict obedience from their children. Violations of behavior and etiquette lead to corporal punishment.

Although they identify as a pacifist culture, they justify beating the literal “Hell out of” disobedient young people by citing several passages in the Bible that demonstrate how the meek shall inherit the Earth and how violence is to be shunned unless used to clout dissenters into the requisite state of meekness. Impudence, sass and cursing are, to the peace-loving Amish, transgressions that warrant immediate action, not turning the other cheek.

“Any youthful dissatisfactions are usually verbally expressed, but profanity is never allowed because the guilty child can expect swift punishment,” John Hostetler wrote in his definitive book, Amish Society.

“Understanding this, it’s not difficult to see why young Tobias’ use of foul language was a strange and frightful event to the village,” explained Dr. Janus Heuchler, directing sociologist at San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD).

Tobias’ father, Hartmut Verschmutzt, told the Amish community paper A Few Good Mennonite that he had noticed his son acting “demonic” after school on Friday. During his chores, Tobias suddenly stopped working and began “shaking and dancing violently, as though possessed by Satan’s minions.” The boy then loosed a stream of profanity, according to the paper, which included taboo expressions such as “golly gee willikers,” “jumpin’ Jehosaphat,” “gee wiz,” “gosh darnit,” “dagnabbit,” “Jiminy Christmas,” “bejabbers,” “consarn,” “dad-sizzle,” “thunderation,” “great horn spoon” and “G. Rover Cripes.”

Tobias’ stricken teacher said her student had also uttered “demeaning and aberrant things gangsters in the cities say about women.”

However, as Dr. Heuchler noted, for Tobias to repeat such foul language, he must have had some exposure to it. So far, none of the Amish townspeople admit to knowing where Tobias could have picked up the obscene speech.

Hartmut Verschmutzt told reporters with A Few Good Mennonite: “It’s stranger still that my son was speaking in the manner of Los Angeles hoodlums. They don’t trespass here. And I was the last person he spoke with before the incident in the schoolhouse. I merely reminded him to stop playing with some of the new puppies and get back to sowing the fields before class. I said to him, ‘Stop messing with those bitches and get back to your hoe!’”

Dr. Howard Jensenson, a pediatrician who lives just outside Amish Acres, was allowed to diagnose Tobias after Hartmut Verschmutzt and three elders went looking for a skilled exorcist.

“They initially approached me to see if I could recommend an exorcist,” Dr. Jensenson said. “We have only one Catholic priest in town, so I really couldn’t. But I convinced them to let me see the boy. Almost immediately after meeting him, I was certain he had Tourette syndrome. I explained to Mr. Verschmutzt what it was. At that point, the townspeople started shaking angrily and screaming in German. Then they took up rakes, pitchforks and torches, and rushed me out the village.”

Socialists Against Socialized Healthcare

Trump officials and other conservative Republicans seized on the opportunity to illustrate the event as representative of inefficient and unnecessary economic burdens of social assistance programs like Medicare. In Price’s proposed voucher program, government contributions to Medicare would be capped.

Patients would be given a check and sent out to the marketplace to find the best care covered by the fixed amount. Where the original program spent 97 cents of every dollar on health care, the voucher solution reduces the amount to 80 cents, freeing more revenues to help investors, shareholders, insurance companies and private hospitals. With increased profits filling the coffers of big businesses, the greater their ability to create new jobs and invigorate the economy.

Critics of the voucher idea say the plan will create two levels of care: one for the well off and one inadequate system for the poor. Price, however, noted that the Amish are virtually destitute. They have no money and no employment. They construct their own homes, build their own tools, make their own clothes and grow their own food.

“They’re practically hobos, but they get along fine without fancy hospitals, modern medicine or abortion clinics,” a representative for Price remarked. “If they can do it, people living in the real world should have no problem either, regardless of their financial circumstances.”

Health advisers on Trump’s transition team released a statement clarifying the administration’s position on the matter.

What happened at a small Amish village in California last week should be a wake-up call to the wider American public. As a nation, we witnessed something unique and telling -- a group of undeniable socialists, who live in communes, literally chased out the embodiment of a corrupt and evil socialized medical system. And yet, about two-thirds of Amish deny health insurance. They instead participate in Church Aid, an informal self-insurance plan. They don’t demand that their employers sacrifice company revenues to foot medical bills, and they don’t pressure the government to raise taxes in order to provide them with a free ride to healthy living. They take care of it themselves, as real Americans used to.

This is precisely what our Founders intended: the rejection of socialized programs, of some notion that citizens have an inalienable right to life. And you know something else? Like the new president, these people don’t even pay taxes. They don’t believe in it. And why should they? They take no government handouts. They’re clean, hard-working, self-sufficient Christians who live off the land and don’t accept entitlements -- also like President Trump. And they remain unapologetic socialists.

To our way of thinking, if the Democrats have moved this far left of admitted socialists, then we’re doomed as a nation if we allow them any ground in the current debate about our national debt, our taxes and our free market health insurance. This is why Donald Trump has been elected to the highest office in the land -- to destroy the corruption that’s eroding the might of this nation, which comes in the form of unemployment insurance, food stamps, Obamacare, retirement plans, labor regulations, civil rights laws and government-funded agencies such as police, fire, schools and the like. Very soon, all of America will be an Amish Acres.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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