Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Wave of Surging Santorum Drowns Michele Bachmann's Campaign and Laps at Romney's Heels

DES MOINES, Iowa (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) --Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.), the lone female in the GOP presidential race, announced Wednesday that she is ending her campaign after being swept away in a "persistent, savage and tacky" tidal wave of Santorum fever. "Last night, the people of Iowa spoke with a very clear voice, and so, I have decided to stand aside," Bachmann told supporters gathered in Des Moines the morning after she placed a dismal sixth in the caucuses. "Given that I am originally from Iowa, and that this conservative state is one of the few to legalize gay marriage and even elect an openly gay governor, and given that its very conservative Christian voters -- for some reason -- can't stop spreading Santorum over every inch of their beings, it's apparent to me that Iowa's chief export has become irony."

Responding to Bachmann's pointed concession speech, Rick Santorum laughingly told his supporters: "See, that's exactly why Michele lost Iowa. She didn't know anything at all about the state. Well, I do. I've spent more time campaigning here than any other candidate. The streets and fields of Iowa are covered in Santorum. That's why I know Iowa's chief export is corn, not iron. And like the hardy folks of the Hawkeye State, I'm an all American, corn-fed boy. You'd be hard pressed to find a Santorum that's not full of corn."

Mitt Romney, whose eight-vote margin proved strong enough to keep his political levee from crumbling against the recent surge of Santorum, took a victory lap upon his arrival in New Hampshire today. Political analysts, however, cautioned Romney about being too cocky at this stage in the race. "Mitt emerged victorious by a very slim margin," said progressive pundit Ferrel Michaels of Maryland. "But Santorum's lapping at his heels. Next time, if Mitt's not careful, he might just step in it."

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.
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