My quote-unquote peers, on the other hand, clearly have nothing better to do with their time, your vote, or all that PAC money they've raised. They don't care about you. In fact, one could argue that they really hate your guts. But I understand that dignity is precious; that your intelligence has done nothing to warrant insult; and that I'm saving my money to beat the spineless, vacuous, wastes of outside air that will eventually earn the coveted Republican nomination. See, I'm biding my time to go against that moron, who will probably be an elitist with a history of questionable spiritual convictions, wishy-washy policies, and serial marriages. Or, it'll be the Mormon. I'm banking on the write-in vote, which gives you more power over your ballot by transforming it into a mandate -- not a glorified Scantron. Plus, as a write-in candidate, I've got a better chance of earning your vote in November after you realize what a festering idiot -- of heroically vile proportions -- the nominee really is.
"But why would you disappoint us, Chester?" you might ask. Because I'd probably be a hell of lot more polite during one of those dog-and-pony shows than I would as president. Frankly, I think the current crop of GOP candidates is overgrown with wussies -- weak, snivelling, panty-waste pecker woods. I don't play politics. I don't pull my punches. I'm a shrewd, vicious, cutthroat businessman who's succeeded because of a mostly unpoliced market. And now I'm ready to fight all the BS in DC for the US.
With that, I'd like to offer you, my fellow -- my real -- Americans, a heartfelt response to President Obama's assessment of the state of our union. And by heartfelt, I mean in the sense of crippling acid reflux -- the kind you might experience after eating too many helpings of fried chicken or ethnic food never intended for American stomachs.
Unlike Gov. Mitch Daniels -- an obviously inbred shill paid off by the Obama Administration itself to pander a simpering, soft-core "rebuttal" -- I'm not going to praise Mr. Obama for hunting down the terrorists responsible for 9/11 or siphoning tax dollars to keep a hobbled and soul-sucking public education system limping along toward failure, or anything else.
"The President did not cause the economic and fiscal crises that continue in America tonight," Daniels said. Is this guy even a registered Republican? Of course Obama ruined the country. He's a big government socialist. He was born in a tribe, for Christ's sake. George Bush cut taxes. People had jobs under him, and you didn't see any hippies trying to occupy the banks. If President Obama is serious about squashing terrorism, why isn't he dispatching the military to take out all those people trying to bring down America's financial institutions? How are they different than the terrorists who attacked the symbol of the nation's economic might? But Obama, well, he's just preoccupied with socialist health care and stimulus spending. The end.
I will concede Daniels' point that Mr. and Mrs. Obama have displayed an admirable commitment to family, showing that African Americans can be faithful in their marriages and spawn only an average number of children. The nation does "sorely" need such examples.
Now, let's get down to brass tacks.
Health care. What a crock. The best way to cut taxes is to eliminate those drains on the system: in this case, the poor, uninsured, and terminally ill. Especially immigrants. I see it as an opportunity to get creative with health care options. Unlike my peers, I have a plan. We need to structure health care like credit cards. I propose a health card with fixed limits, based on credit worthiness. I’ve already discussed this concept with Discover Bank, a major lending institution. The bank is fully behind the idea. We’re tentatively branding the cards "Recover." As your debt score improves, your available credit ceiling rises, along with the types of medical coverage you become eligible for. If people have emergencies, they can put the cost of medical services on their Recover cards and pay them off at nominally higher interest rates over time. This process ensures that Americans receive medical attention while the care providers continue to make money off the interest. This keeps hospitals operating without tax dollars.
But Mr. Obama spent all night attacking credit card companies. How does he expect people to afford to survive, given this country's cost of living, without the ability to buy things on credit? Even worse, he just created another fat government department to prosecute credit card companies. More taxes, less purchasing power for consumers, and no health care. What a jerk.
I'd also like to talk about energy. For a moment, I thought I heard President Obama praising our hardworking oilmen and offshore drillers and frackers. But no, he just went right back to all that bogus renewable energy hogwash. Let me be clear, America, I hate the environment. Yes, I said it. You know all the other Republicans are thinking it, but I'm admitting it. I'm staunchly, rabidly anti-environment. Because I'm opposed to all federally funded, parasitic special interest groups. And that's what the environment is: a special interest group with a powerful lobby of dirt gypsies and rebellious college students and hipsters trying to get laid by seeming "relevant" or "concerned." Fact is, the environment has killed more Americans than the combined enemy forces of every country we've ever invaded and occupied. Hurricanes, earthquakes, twisters, floods, fires, tsunamis, solar flares...the list of atrocities goes on and on.
But Mr. Obama wants you to consider wind. People have been using wind power for centuries, he said. So, he's basically asking you to take a giant technological step backward. We might wear Crocs, but we're not the Netherlands. He also wants you to believe that wind is "clean" energy. Is it, though? You ever seen the mess left all over your patio or swimming pool after a gale? Of course it's not clean. It's green, all right, but that's because it's full of pollution from factories and cars and trash. And it's just blowing all the pollution around. We should be focusing our efforts on natural gas (has the word "natural" right in it) and clean coal and oil. Consider this: what are you going to cook with if Obama bans oil production? Corn and olive farmers will go out of business. Restaurants will close down. More economic hardships, hunger, and unemployment. Again, what a jerk.
Mr. Obama also took a moment to reiterate his commitment to science -- another heavily subsidized special interest group, made up of academics who lack the skills to leave school and become part of America's dying workforce. One of my aides looked up the word "science" in the dictionary. It's a Latin word that means "knowledge." But Mr. Obama, isn't knowledge what our children are supposed to be gaining in your pathetic schools? Yes, it is. So why are we spending billions of dollars on the redundant industry called Science? Let's get rid of these people and work to get our teachers back up to speed. Problem solved. Plus, our teachers aren't filling students' heads with absurd and unproven theories such as global warming, evolution, Ohm's Law, or gravity. They teach the skills we need: math, computer programming, manufacturing, auto shop, drafting, economics, and...wait for it...science. It's time to take the trash out, people.
But it's not even Mr. Obama or the Democrats. Jon Huntsman called Rick Perry anti-science. Newt Gingrich wants to build colonies on the moon, when there's not even any proof that we've ever been in space. To me, anti-science is not anti-education. It's anti-special interest and anti-waste. There's a reason you seldom see the word "science" when it's not followed by "fiction."
The most troubling aspect of the 21st century is Americans falling prey to the specious rhetoric of career politicians like Mr. Obama, who have convinced a majority of people that they can't survive without the benevolent protection the sprawling federal overlords have graciously extended. They tell us what temperature our food must be, they tell us what homes we can buy, they tell us that we're incapable of teaching our kids or policing our streets or putting out fires or owning other people. We are no longer a nation of free men. We are nation of helpless, molly-coddled children suckling at the teat of an ATM. That's what the government is, an ATM. But just as with an ATM, the money is coming out of our pockets on top of some conspiratorial convenience fees.
I say it's time to start stuffing your money back into the mattress. It's time to fight against unification and work toward independence, which is the cornerstone of freedom. Put me in office, fellow Americans, and I will work to put myself right back out of office as I destroy the monstrous forced labor camp that is the U.S. government. Would you rather live in joy or in a Joy Division? As of today, you still have the power to vote. Choose wisely.
(c) 2012. See disclaimers.