Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Romney Issued Storm Preparedness Tips, Criticized President for Abandoning Duties During Sandy

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Millions of Americans along the eastern seaboard are facing long days ahead without power or public transit in the devastating wake of superstorm Sandy. Worse still, the death toll has now risen to 39. Sandy has interrupted all facets of life for over eight million residents, but its effects can be felt by a much broader swath of the country. With just a week left before people head to the polls, the election has also been hobbled by the megastorm. President Barack Obama suspended his campaign to take charge of disaster relief efforts, putting the welfare of the nation before political ambitions. His challenger, however, sees things differently. Romney attacked his opponent for several failures in leadership during the disaster. "President Obama abandoned the campaign -- the American people -- to hole up in his big house. Former FEMA chief Mike Brown criticized him for reacting too quickly to the storm, and the president failed to provide those in Sandy's path with meaningful advice for preparations," Romney told an audience in Ohio. "I didn't do any of those things. I stayed on the campaign trail instead of worrying about the weather, I didn't react to the storm, and my campaign issued a list of useful tips for dealing with Sandy. That's why I should be elected in November."

TV Networks Capitalize on Sandy, Forcing Captive Audiences to Watch Failing Shows in Desperate Ratings Boost Attempt

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Megastorm Sandy pummeled the Northeast Monday night, battering the New Jersey coastline with 80 mph winds while sending 13-foot surges of seawater into New York's subway stations, tunnels, and power grids. According to current estimates, Sandy has claimed the lives of ten people. Other cities along the Northeast corridor -- including Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and Boston -- also reported violent rainfall and gales in excess of 85 mph. The threat of continuing rain and further flooding across several states has forced over five million Americans to remain sealed up in their homes. For those without power, Sandy accorded them an opportunity to spend quality time with family members over candlelight, introducing modern youth to board games such as Scrabble -- or "offline Words with Friends." But for those homes with electricity or generators, the terrible storm allowed television networks to make a desperate last-ditch effort to bolster the ratings of failing shows before a truly captive audience.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Outraged Evangelicals Call Mourdock's Apology for 'Divine Rape' Comments an Attack on God

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Senate candidate Richard Mourdock (R-Ind.) struggled to defend his controversial comments about rape and abortion Wednesday, telling the press his statements had been "twisted." Women's rights advocates across the country agreed: nothing, possibly not even Todd Akin's proclamation of "legitimate rape," could have been more twisted than presuming God's divine scheme for creation includes an endorsement of rape. The Senate hopeful has since taken pains to clarify his comments, though his attempts to back out of the startling assertions have ruffled the feathers of evangelical Christians who support the idea of "divine rape." They accused the Hoosier of arrogantly reinterpreting God's will. "Of course God pre-ordains rape," opined Nehemiah Goodman, a theological scientist employed by San Narciso-based defense contractor Yoyodyne. "Some women fight destiny and nature. Sometimes the government interfers with the Lord. Consider President Obama's mandatory contraception laws. And when obstinate politicians and selfish women defy God, He must intervene. Sometimes, those efforts are more intrusive or penetrating than others. Who are we to question Him? Who is Richard Mourdock to presume or apologize on God's behalf?"

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Reporters Find Romney and Obama's Debate Notes in Lynn University Dumpsters

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Tuesday night's restrained but still contentious presidential debate was the last opportunity for voters to see President Obama and GOP challenger Mitt Romney together until after the election results in two weeks. The stated focus of the final debate was foreign policy, even though both candidates took opportunities to circle back to discussions of the economy. But for all the gaffes, zingers and borderline brawls seen during the three encounters, one mystery remains unanswered: what were the candidates pensively, sometimes furiously, scribbling on their notepads? The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript rescued the discarded messages while digging through the dumpsters behind Lynn University, where our reporters were ordered by campus security to stay until the end of the event. The published transcripts follow.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Italian Court Convicts Scientists for Failing to Predict Earthquakes, Cure Colds or Send Spaceships to Heaven

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- During the Roman Inquisition of 1615, a high court acting under orders from Pope Urban VIII found Galileo Galilei guilty of heresy for promoting his theory of heliocentrism -- the controversial notion that the earth revolves around the sun, which conflicted with the prevailing religious thinking of the time. Galileo was subsequently convicted, forced to recant his blasphemous scientific offenses, and spent the rest of his life under house arrest. Years later, an increasingly vocal and influential community of astronomers and physicists would bear out the truth of Galileo's observations. The Italian government has made every concession since that time to give science its due, but science failed miserably in 2009 when an earthquake struck the central region of the country and killed over 300 people. No one knew it was coming. Nobody was warned in advance to evacuate the area. "For its vanity and braggadocio, science fell asleep trying to keep God's watch," a Vatican spokesperson said. On Monday, an Italian court convicted seven geological experts of manslaughter for failing to predict the impending natural disaster.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Romney's Coded Mormon Reference to 'Binders Full of Women' Freaks Out Polygamous Elders

Additional Reporting by Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Former President George W. Bush, to knowing observers, was gifted with an uncanny knack for discreetly slathering his speeches with coded religious phrases, which provided targeted messaging to the evangelical base he rallied. Bush became a born-again Christian in 1988 while serving as liaison to the religious right for his father's administration. It was there he learned the art of broadcasting subliminal cues to evangelicals. Some of his favorite expressions included "hills to climb," "the valley below," "a time for rebuilding" and his go-to from Isaiah: "They will have no mercy on helpless babies and will show no compassion for the children." In large part, Bush's tactic managed to fly under most folks' radar while energizing born-agains who shared his belief that God wanted war waged on brown people worldwide. But when Mitt Romney unwittingly employed a similar strategy during Tuesday's second presidential debate, polygamous Mormon elders flew into fits of panic as their candidate revealed the church's still-present cache of "binders full of women" and other secrets more damning than magic underwear and the Planet Kolob.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Female Tea Party Leaders Say Women are Evil, Filthy Demons Who Shouldn't be Allowed to Vote

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Janis Lane, leader of the Central Mississippi Tea Party, has helped a brave faction of conservative women emerge from the shadows to voice their support for the party's misogynistic doctrine. Lane came forward this week with a courageous admission of self-hatred that reinforces the Biblical principles on which the Tea Party's platform is founded. "There is nothing worse than a bunch of mean, hateful women," she said. "They are diabolical in how they can skewer a person. I do not see that in men." Lane is encouraging like-minded followers to convince others that women shouldn't be allowed to vote in this, or any, election. And to the relief of conservative men who have patiently but tirelessly struggled to restore the grace of God on America's morally bankrupt political system, Tea Party females across the country are carrying Lane's vital message of self-loathing to the public, possibly explaining Mitt Romney's four-point surge in swing states from a push in the polls by female voters -- even though they will not actually be casting ballots now.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Romney Defends Conflicting Abortion Views and Investment in Medical-Waste Firm as Consistent with Economic and Pro-Life Recovery Plans

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As GOP presidential challenger Mitt Romney prepares to confront incumbent Barack Obama in the second round of debates Tuesday, social conservatives are pressing the former Massachusetts governor to honor his pledge to pass legislation outlawing abortion. Last Wednesday, Romney downplayed his campaign commitment to do "everything in my power to cultivate, promote and support a culture of life in America," which further rankled Republicans who are concerned about the candidate's past pro-choice stance and constant flip-flopping on the issue. Even more distressing for unconvinced conservatives was the revelation that Romney had invested millions in a medical-waste company called Stericycle, which was tasked with the disposal of aborted fetuses from family planning clinics. Romney, however, surprised voters by unflinchingly defending his record on abortion as consistent with his plan to save the economy -- and end abortion.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Romney Seeks Tough U.S. Policy on China, Encourages Outsourcing to Eastern Europe and Mexico Instead

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republican presidential challenger Mitt Romney pledged to restore American jobs and economic prosperity by getting tough on China. In a statement Thursday -- setting the tone for his running mate's debate with Vice President Joe Biden -- Romney vowed to designate China a "currency manipulator" the first day after his inauguration, something no administration has done in nearly two decades. During his tenure at Bain Capital, Romney outsourced a staggering number of U.S. jobs to economically depressed countries, with China taking the lion's share of the work. In 1992, Bain closed down the Holson Burnes plant in South Carolina and offshored more than 75 percent of its manufacturing. Ten years later, Romney helped implement an internal IT system for state offices in Massachusetts by ditching pricey New England contractors for resources in China. But Romney now believes China has gotten greedy, enabled by the current administration's leniency. "What we have seen from the Obama administration has been acquiescence to China," Romney said of the president's "pivot" to Asia. To show voters his commitment to U.S. interests, Romney will fight to prevent companies from offshoring labor to China by encouraging them to consider outsourcing to India, Eastern Europe and Mexico instead.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Annual Southern California Columbus Day Event Canceled Over Controversies

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Today, many U.S. citizens observe the arrival of Christopher Columbus to American shores, a voyage that concluded on October 12, 1492. The holiday has been celebrated unofficially since the late 18th century, and officially in various areas since the early 20th century. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies have bolstered the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at Kinneret's Battersea Field to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration. This year, however, Mayor Manny DiPresso has increased security after receiving word that a group of demonstrators plans to protest the ceremony. Write-in GOP presidential candidate F. Chester Greene, surprisingly, also urged the mayor's office to call off the event, which now seems likely to happen.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Russian PM Medvedev Meets with Zuckerberg to Discuss Facebook's Role in New Soviet Information Retrieval Agency

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev hosted an historic meeting Monday with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in an effort to entice the tech-savvy entrepreneur to invest in the country's IT industry, and perhaps lend an endorsement that would resonate with the world community. "You probably know that here in Russia we have not only oil, gas, gold, and diamonds - there is also an IT industry," a beaming Medvedev told Zuckerberg as photographers gathered in front of the Gorki residence outside Moscow where the meeting took place. Any company that's ever been crippled by a nasty virus can certainly attest. By reputation, Russia is home to the world's most talented hackers. "In a recent poll on a hacker-oriented Web site," ABC News reported, "82 percent said Russia had the world’s best hackers; only 5 percent said Americans were better." But Russia's hackers lack the subtlety of Facebook, as well as Zuckerberg's masterfully persuasive way of manipulating users into giving up all their information...voluntarily. "Unlike the United States and much of Europe, Russia takes pride in learning about our citizens to maintain order," Medvedev noted. "And the government makes no pretense in saying we need Facebook to help us 'improve' our own social networks for the good of the people."

Thursday, October 4, 2012

First 2012 Presidential Debate: Least Exciting 90 Minutes of TV Since Helen Keller's 'What's My Line' Appearance

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The first of three crucial debates between President Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney concluded Wednesday night, with Romney emerging as the clear winner in terms of style and confidence, while the president scored points with analysts for substance. At times, Romney appeared so giddy over his perceived victory that many suspected he would push Mr. Obama to the ground and begin shearing his hair. But the overlong tete-a-tete left most viewers underwhelmed. Romney seemed simultaneously uncomfortable and needlessly aggressive, which provided the only real drama in the event. Obama's demeanor was collected but his passive, unenthusiastic presentation of facts failed to win over supporters who held high expectations for his performance. Overall, the debate was widely considered the least exciting 90 minutes of television since Helen Keller's ill-advised appearance on "What's My Line?"

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