Tuesday, October 30, 2012
TV Networks Capitalize on Sandy, Forcing Captive Audiences to Watch Failing Shows in Desperate Ratings Boost Attempt
In today's technology dependent society, Sandy's disabling of power and Internet access could be driving millions to the verge of insanity. But some analysts predict that those who can still tune in to network TV might be worse off.
Dr. Tremaine Weldowhether, professor of media studies at San Narciso College, believes Sandy's death toll could double by morning from a rash of related suicides.
"Horrific as the ravages of a natural disaster can be, imagine a 'Clockwork Orange' type scenario compounding it," Dr. Weldowhether said. "With millions trapped in front of their TVs, that could be exactly what happens if the major networks carry out this plan of theirs."
Weldowhether posits that network players will always find a way to justify their terrible programming choices by attributing failures to timeslots or special events rather than admitting to a show's abysmal writing and acting.
"ABC, CBS, and NBC are going to capitalize on the situation by airing their most wretched programs -- in marathon fashion -- to see if they can generate interest and bump the ratings. I personally find it a cruel, distasteful, Mengele-like experiment," Weldowhether added.
Beginning at 8:00 p.m. EDT, all of the networks began 48-hour continuous marathons of series Weldowhether called "unholy abominations insulting God's creation."
CBS started off with "NCIS" and "Hawaii Five-O." Depending on the results, station executives have also threatened to rerun the now defunct "Made in Jersey."
ABC, in Weldowhether's expert opinion, easily bested rival CBS with a string of stinkers that included "Rob," "Last Man Standing," and "Work It." Two self-inflicted deaths have already been reported from ABC households.
"That's tragic news, but it's nothing compared to what we're going to see from any unfortunate soul who's chosen to ride out the storm in the dull flicker of the CW," Weldowhether said.
He predicts thousands of hangings, overdoses, and slit wrists if the network decides to run both "Nikita" and "H8R."
(c) 2012. See disclaimers.