Tuesday, October 30, 2012

TV Networks Capitalize on Sandy, Forcing Captive Audiences to Watch Failing Shows in Desperate Ratings Boost Attempt

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Megastorm Sandy pummeled the Northeast Monday night, battering the New Jersey coastline with 80 mph winds while sending 13-foot surges of seawater into New York's subway stations, tunnels, and power grids. According to current estimates, Sandy has claimed the lives of ten people. Other cities along the Northeast corridor -- including Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and Boston -- also reported violent rainfall and gales in excess of 85 mph. The threat of continuing rain and further flooding across several states has forced over five million Americans to remain sealed up in their homes. For those without power, Sandy accorded them an opportunity to spend quality time with family members over candlelight, introducing modern youth to board games such as Scrabble -- or "offline Words with Friends." But for those homes with electricity or generators, the terrible storm allowed television networks to make a desperate last-ditch effort to bolster the ratings of failing shows before a truly captive audience.

In today's technology dependent society, Sandy's disabling of power and Internet access could be driving millions to the verge of insanity. But some analysts predict that those who can still tune in to network TV might be worse off.

Dr. Tremaine Weldowhether, professor of media studies at San Narciso College, believes Sandy's death toll could double by morning from a rash of related suicides.

"Horrific as the ravages of a natural disaster can be, imagine a 'Clockwork Orange' type scenario compounding it," Dr. Weldowhether said. "With millions trapped in front of their TVs, that could be exactly what happens if the major networks carry out this plan of theirs."

Weldowhether posits that network players will always find a way to justify their terrible programming choices by attributing failures to timeslots or special events rather than admitting to a show's abysmal writing and acting.

"ABC, CBS, and NBC are going to capitalize on the situation by airing their most wretched programs -- in marathon fashion -- to see if they can generate interest and bump the ratings. I personally find it a cruel, distasteful, Mengele-like experiment," Weldowhether added.

Beginning at 8:00 p.m. EDT, all of the networks began 48-hour continuous marathons of series Weldowhether called "unholy abominations insulting God's creation."

CBS started off with "NCIS" and "Hawaii Five-O." Depending on the results, station executives have also threatened to rerun the now defunct "Made in Jersey."

ABC, in Weldowhether's expert opinion, easily bested rival CBS with a string of stinkers that included "Rob," "Last Man Standing," and "Work It." Two self-inflicted deaths have already been reported from ABC households.

"That's tragic news, but it's nothing compared to what we're going to see from any unfortunate soul who's chosen to ride out the storm in the dull flicker of the CW," Weldowhether said.

He predicts thousands of hangings, overdoses, and slit wrists if the network decides to run both "Nikita" and "H8R."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.
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