Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Disneyland Found Guilty of Torturing Passengers Stranded During 'It's a Small World' Breakdown

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A jury awarded $8,000 this week to a disabled man who sued Disneyland for leaving him stranded on an immobile boat in the "It's a Small World" attraction after a 30-minute breakdown in 2009. At least half of that amount was provided as compensation for the pain and suffering the man incurred from exposure to the incessant loop of the theme song, which played over and over again at deafening volumes. The victim suffered an acute panic attack and did not medically stabilize for over three hours, according to paramedics. But on Wednesday, as seven other traumatized passengers from that ill-fated voyage stepped forward to sue the Happiest Place on Earth, the court found Disneyland guilty of eight criminal counts of torture. The ruling, analysts predict, will significantly impact the Anaheim resort's profits after settlements, legal costs, OSHA fines and mandated renovations to the attraction are factored. As a result, economists believe next year's ticket prices could soar to over $1,700 per person for a one-day admission to the park.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Conservatives Say Starbucks Gay Rights Support Could Lead to Caffeine Fueled Rape and Sodomy

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Starbucks' outspoken CEO, Howard Schultz, staunchly defended his company's support of marriage equality last week when he challenged shareholders opposed to same-sex unions to sell their stock. Schultz was quick to point out that his endorsement of diversity had less to do with profits and economics than good corporate citizenship. During his five-year tenure as the global coffee retailer's chief executive, Schultz has adopted a rare role for a business leader: political activist. He has called for campaign finance reform, corporate social responsibility and now gay rights. Anti-gay companies such as Papa John's Pizza and Chick-fil-A balked in response. But prominent conservatives called for action against Starbucks, fearing that Schultz's embrace of the LGBT community would create a dangerous social situation. Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council -- now labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center -- warned lawmakers that more gays frequenting Starbucks means more gays hopped up on caffeine. "And that can only lead to a terrifying outbreak of bestiality, sodomy, child molestation and skinny jeans," Perkins said.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

ABC Inks Deal with Taylor Swift to Become Permanent Star of 'The Bachelorette'

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Representatives for country music sensation Taylor Swift announced details of a partnership between their client and the producers of ABC's "The Bachelorette" this Wednesday. According to entertainment industry insiders, the young star signed a contract with ABC to be the sole, ongoing bachelorette in the network's eponymous reality show. Nearly the entire body of Swift's work is the direct result of her botched and bungled attempts at love, explained Tremaine Weldowhether, professor of media studies at San Narciso College. Now that she's unattached again, and having difficulty finding a new boy to prey upon, Swift's managers are worried she won't have access to enough material for composing new songs. By agreeing to be the exclusive star of "The Bachelorette," Swift is virtually assured of falling in and out of love so often throughout the course of a television season that record executives anticipate two new albums per year for the next five years.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

History Channel's 'Bible' Producers Say Satan Not Meant to Resemble Obama, Just a Black Man

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The History Channel's third installment of its epic miniseries "The Bible" was intended to showcase Babylon's ignoble ruler Nebuchadnezzar, Daniel's fortitude within the lion's den, and the advent of Christ and his resolve against the forces of darkness as he was tempted during his 40-day, meditative sojourn in the desert. Instead, the episode courted controversy among viewers who claimed the actor portraying Satan bore an uncanny resemblance to President Barack Obama. In a statement issued by the show's producers, reality television mogul Mark Burnett, who developed the series with his wife, called the comparison unintentional and "utter nonsense." Burnett described Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni, the actor cast as Satan in human form, as a "highly acclaimed Moroccan actor. He has previously played parts in several Biblical epics -- including Satanic characters long before Barack Obama was elected as our president." Joel Osteen, a neo-conservative megachurch leader who consulted on the project, surprisingly agreed with Burnett, saying the casting decision was not meant as a veiled political attack but a realistic characterization of the devil as "probably Islamic and black."

Monday, March 18, 2013

Conservative Politician Proposes Law to Prosecute Child Killers for Treason

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In lieu of the escalating rash of mass shootings involving children, former conservative presidential candidate F. Chester Greene declared on Monday the need for a new law to protect the nation's children. This law, which he calls "The Un-American Act," has raised many eyebrows within political circles. Greene's supporters, however, call the proposed bill a particularly prescient piece of legislation after news today that a student at the University of Florida may have been plotting a massacre in one of the school's dorms.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

New Latin American Pope Ignites Fresh Immigration Fears for U.S. Conservatives

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Plumes of white smoke billowed from the Sistine Chapel chimney Wednesday, signifying the election of a new pope. Appearing on the iconic balcony of St. Peter's Basilica shortly after the conclave appointed a new bishop of Rome, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina greeted adoring Catholics to shouts of "habemus papam," and then led a prayer for his predecessor, Benedict XVI. Some Vatican watchers expressed excitement at the uniqueness of the new pontiff and the conclave's unprecedented decision to break with two thousand years of tradition. Bergoglio is neither Italian nor European, has no ties to the Roman government and invented his own papal name instead of selecting an established title, as is customary. But this newness has rankled dyed-in-the-wool Catholics and conservative lawmakers in the United States, particularly in Arizona, who say Bergoglio's installment as pope is a setback for immigration reform and the terrifying result of ignoring warnings that "Mexicans are coming to take our jobs."

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

North Korean Hospital Publicity Photo Reveals Cannibalism in Nation's Highest Ranks

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In an apparent propaganda blunder Tuesday, which attempted to depict North Korean leader Kim Jong-un as a champion of his people by dedicating a new hospital, international watchdog organizations found evidence of cannibalism at the top of the country's social and economic food chain. What had always been suspected became reality today -- the North Korean elite eat their poorest citizens. State media agency KCNA released the publicity photo of Kim Jong-un visiting the Taesongsan General Hospital, being constructed by the national army, as a goodwill message. But by showing a staff of chefs instead of surgeons, the grotesque horrors visited upon the North Korean people by their leaders were revealed to the world on film.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Researchers Discover People Trapped in Eternal Hour over Daylight Savings Confusion

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to health researchers, today marks one of the most dangerous days of the year; and the switch to daylight savings time bears the blame. When the clocks are pushed ahead by an hour, they assert, one-fifth of the world's population suffers "acute effects" as a result of waking 60 minutes earlier to prepare for work or school. Among the perils created by springing forward, studies suggest, are increased traffic accidents, a noticeable increase in the incidence of intense myocardial infarctions, a marked rise in the prevalence of workplace violence, and a greater number of suicide attempts. But mental health professionals in San Narciso County, Calif., discovered a more insidious and horrifying byproduct of daylight savings time this weekend -- a population of now homeless people who have been stuck living in a single hour for the past 26 years.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Tests Find Horsemeat in Taco Bell Products, Settling Dispute Over Use of Vegetable Fillers

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In January 2011, fast food restaurant Taco Bell was sued for thinking outside the barn. The class-action suit, which sought no monetary damages, objected to Taco Bell referring to its products as seasoned meat, when a substantial amount of the filling was composed of water, isolated oat product, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodextrin, anti-dusting agents, autolyzed yeast extract, modified corn starch and sodium phosphate. Taco Bell's definition of "seasoned meat," the suit alleged, did not conform to consumers' reasonable expectations or the U.S. Department of Agriculture's definition of meat as the flesh of animals. But the USDA also defines tacos as a "food of Mexico," which remains an ongoing complaint. The suit was eventually dropped in April 2011, with Taco Bell representatives celebrating the company's vindication. But problems persisted as the radical animal rights group PETA continued to lavish praise on Taco Bell for its decision to forgo the use of meat in its food. This week, Taco Bell proved critics wrong as British regulators discovered large amounts of horsemeat in the food, sending consumers a clear message about the company's commitment to creating meaty, Mexican-inspired cuisine.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Justice Scalia Wants Rosa Parks' Statue Moved to Back of the Capitol's Statuary Hall

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- More than 50 years after Rosa Parks helped ignite the civil rights movement in America by refusing to relinquish her seat on a segregated bus and move to the rear of the vehicle, she became the first African American woman to be commemorated with a life-size statue in the Capitol's Statuary Hall. The dedication ceremony was held on Wednesday, with President Obama and Parks' surviving relatives in attendance. Her act of defiance directly influenced desegregation and was instrumental in the passage of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which came under fire this week by the conservative justices of the Supreme Court -- particularly Antonin Scalia who labeled one of its key provisions a "racial entitlement." Despite drawing gasps and criticisms for his comments, Scalia continued to attack the relevance of the act, citing the slippery-slope dangers of racial entitlements as propagating racial inequality. In that same spirit of profound concern, Scalia told Congress they should move Parks' statue to a less prominent position in Statuary Hall -- the back -- to downplay the perception of racial entitlement.

Copyright © 2014 The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript. Template Designed by OddThemes - WP Themes