Wednesday, March 20, 2013

ABC Inks Deal with Taylor Swift to Become Permanent Star of 'The Bachelorette'

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Representatives for country music sensation Taylor Swift announced details of a partnership between their client and the producers of ABC's "The Bachelorette" this Wednesday. According to entertainment industry insiders, the young star signed a contract with ABC to be the sole, ongoing bachelorette in the network's eponymous reality show. Nearly the entire body of Swift's work is the direct result of her botched and bungled attempts at love, explained Tremaine Weldowhether, professor of media studies at San Narciso College. Now that she's unattached again, and having difficulty finding a new boy to prey upon, Swift's managers are worried she won't have access to enough material for composing new songs. By agreeing to be the exclusive star of "The Bachelorette," Swift is virtually assured of falling in and out of love so often throughout the course of a television season that record executives anticipate two new albums per year for the next five years.

At the tender age of 23, Swift has a booming career and bevy of recording industry accolades that most artists struggle their entire lives to attain, without similar success. She has sold 26 million albums worldwide, tops charts in multiple countries and has already placed seven Grammy Awards on her mantle. But Swift admits that all the accomplishments under her belt may not have been possible without the countless men she's had under her belt.

Swift's exhaustive list of failed celebrity romances and boy-toy flings far surpasses the number of drugs Keith Richards has ingested or injected into his body, or the volume of gays the Westboro Baptist Church believes are roasting in Hell.

The young songbird confessed this week that her hit "I Knew You Were Trouble," which she performed at the BRIT Awards in February, was also inspired by another dead relationship -- this time with One Direction member Harry Styles.

The rogue's gallery of Swift's dismissed suitors, all objects of scorn in her hit singles, includes Joe Jonas, John Mayer, Cory Monteith, Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, Jake Gyllenhall, Connor Kennedy and Harry Styles. She recently denied rumors of being involved with Ed Sheeran -- a move that caused panic with her label, Big Machine.

"If she's not hopelessly in love and then devastated a couple of weeks later, she's got nothing to sing about," one spokesperson from the label worried, fearing delays in production on a forthcoming Taylor Swift album.

Swift did profess a new fancy for redheads, saying: "I would do a ginger. I like Rupert Grint, the guy from the Harry Potter films." But her feelings went unrequited, escalating the concerns at Big Machine.

Grint, who is romantically linked to English actress Georgina Groome, expressed no interest in dating Swift. Though he didn't believe the three-week (at most) hiatus from his current relationship would pose many problems, he imagined being the pejorative subject of a hateful Taylor Swift breakup song to be "more humiliating than Daniel's [Radcliffe] full monty in that horse rapist play."

Industry experts like Weldowhether see the orchestrated effort between Big Machine and ABC as a stroke of media genius.

"'The Bachelorette' has suffered some pretty significant lulls in ratings, and is in need of something fresh, something new," Weldowhether said. "Big Machine is worried that as Taylor Swift begins to move beyond childish infatuations and the consequent, albeit melodramatic, introspection, their record sales will plummet. This is a big win-win."

In the upcoming season of "The Bachelorette," Taylor Swift will assume the central role as the eligible bachelorette for a group of potential love interests. The rules of the show will remain the same as they have in seasons past, except that Swift will remain the bachelorette in every season under her current five-year agreement with the studios.

"As Taylor falls desperately in love with the men she chooses to give roses to in those episodes, we're guaranteed a song about true, eternal love," Weldowhether continued. "Then, as those roses are stripped from the same men in following episodes, Big Machine finds itself with the bitter gold of a spiteful Taylor Swift breakup song. Essentially, each man in this pool of romantic love interests represents two hit singles. And of course, the final bachelor will generate the gushiest love song and most vitriolic hate anthem from Taylor at the climax of the show."

When asked about the risk of Swift actually accepting a proposal from a bachelor, representatives from Big Machine laughed and declared with certainty: "That's about as likely as Andy Dick winning the Mr. Universe pageant."

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