SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Panicked White House staffers reported that President Trump directly curtailed planned Independence Day celebrations to order an evacuation of the grounds early Wednesday morning, citing an alien threat. Interns described the president’s behavior as erratic. “His mannerisms were more deranged than usual, and he was spewing delusions about invasions and annihilation,” one said. Secret Service initially believed Trump had procured evidence of a massive, possibly hostile attack from immigrants and civil rights activists who have been protesting the internment of children separated from their parents at the controversial Casa Padre facility in Texas. But sources now claim that Trump’s actions came in response to an airing of the 1996 film “Independence Day,” which he mistook for “intel from the future collected by NSA ‘precogs.’”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In struggling to uphold his campaign pledges, many of which have stalled or faded away in a billow of brazen rhetoric, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he will withdraw the United States from the Paris accord, a landmark 2015 global agreement to combat the devastating effects of climate change. Trump has generally viewed green energy initiatives as unfounded scams that contribute nothing to the economy, although employment figures, growth projections and financial data paint a different portrait. Instead, Trump seeks to bolster American production and create jobs by reviving the whaling industry and, in an odd remark from the White House Rose Garden, “putting scientists to work engineering a tremendous Jurassic Park full of dinosaurs we can breed and harvest into petroleum -- like an amazing fossil fuel farm.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Final construction of the Keystone XL pipeline resumed in January following President Trump’s success in clearing away political obstacles such as Native Americans. The project promises to create 35 permanent positions. The president’s latest executive order seeks to capitalize on those impressive employment figures by rolling back climate change policies that have hobbled the fossil fuel and coal mining industries. Analysts say this effort could create tens of jobs, which Trump hailed as “explosive double-digital growth.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In September 2014, former President Barack Obama again abused his executive privileges by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to shelter parts of the ocean from businesses, pushing the United States closer to economic ruin and communism. The misguided marine sanctuaries protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises -- powerful market sectors that must be revived to repair Obama’s depressed economy and restore employment to “billions of out-of-work Americans,” according to President Trump. His recently released budget plan aims to overcome these setbacks. Trump’s morally motivated cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and other environmental agencies, will seek to end the insidious “ecological fascism” that is eroding America’s greatness through the destruction of corporate fishing, oil spilling and trash dumping industries.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s insistence that allied powers are monitoring him surreptitiously has not relented. He has accused former President Obama and British spies of tapping his communications. In testimonies given Monday before the House Intelligence Committee, not a single U.S. investigative body found a shred of proof to validate the president’s explosive accusations. But in a stunning revelation Tuesday, a prominent D.C. dentist confessed that Trump scheduled an urgent appointment to have a “tracking device” extracted from his tooth. The president explained that he was a time traveler from the year 2055, who had been sent into the past to stop a virus that will wipe out most of humanity in 2017. Trump also clarified that Barack Obama and Theresa May -- or rather their direct, weirdly eponymous descendants -- lead the shadowy government cabal responsible for ordering his fourth-dimensional transit. They ostensibly surveil his activities through the dental implant.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since Trump’s inauguration, his cabinet and the heads of federal agencies have endured a fraught, heated battle of wills. In some instances, the president pledged to dismantle regulatory bodies such as the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). For other overly bureaucratic and onerous offices, like the Department of Energy (DOE), Trump appointed leaders who were willing to sabotage the existing infrastructures and undo decades of unnecessary projects that attack faith-based initiatives. Now there remains the complex matter of what to do with NASA. The agency became one of Trump’s first targets, when he threatened to cut all funding for climate science. On Tuesday, however, the president surprised Congress by calling for a renewal of the space program, which he believes will prove instrumental in his massive deportation efforts.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 20, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) teased an intriguing discovery. The announcement alluded to the possibility that scientists had identified life-sustainable planets beyond our solar system. Astronomers applauded the news, but terrified Trump officials described the discovery as an immigration powder keg, on a galactic scale. The president warned of an imminent “end-time event,” as billions of undocumented aliens and terrorists would invade the United States. He lashed out at the Obama administration for rejecting the public’s call to construct a Death Star, and vowed to build “some kind of killer space fortress” to protect American interests.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump campaigned on many controversial commitments, which he seems intent on fulfilling through a sweeping series of executive orders. During his first week in office, Trump has penned actions to loosen Affordable Care Act provisions, create a Muslim registry, authorize construction of a wall along the Mexico border, declare martial law on Chicago and eliminate “sanctuary cities,” the latter of which elicited a bizarre response from the president: “I’ve seen ‘Logan’s Run’ on TV a million times; I love the idea of Carousel, maybe adding Muslims to the list, but sanctuary is a terrible lie. Why force taxpayers to fund a myth? You know, that D.C. hasn’t crumbled into ruins?” While some orders seem dubious to enforce, Trump’s gutting of environmental protections could come to fruition. Unlike the repeal of Obamacare, the president did offer a replacement -- a “climate-friendly energy plan” that he said would create jobs, restore a dying industry and provide low income families with affordable fuel: clean burning whale oil.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Speaking before the International Astronautical Congress in Guadalajara on Tuesday, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk finally revealed his plans for a manned mission to Mars, the first phase of his grander vision for colonization. Musk hopes to transport a million people to the Red Planet. The initial strategy involves the development of massive rocket boosters, all reusable, capable of launching a fleet of 1,000 vessels. Each craft will carry 100 passengers. After thrusting the ships into a “parking orbit,” the boosters would hurtle back to Earth for refueling. The rockets would return several times, carrying the propellant needed to help the ships complete the long voyage. Musk’s vision is bold, inspiring, imaginative and firmly rooted in America’s pioneering spirit of discovery and taking over land they don’t currently control. However, that’s not to say the journey will be simple or easy. Musk will need to overcome some critical challenges before his dreams blast off.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to global economists, there could be less than 46 years of oil supplies left, even if demand were to remain flat. Barring existing constraints on supplies, the world would likely see a 110-percent jump in demand by 2050, equivalent to 190 million barrels a day. But without discovering major new reserves or alternative energy sources, experts anticipate the growing demands to remain unmet. Even diversifying to natural gas would fail to ease the pressure on oil because its supply is as geographically dense. So in celebration of Earth Day, industry leaders announced plans to step up aggressive drilling programs and seek viable sources of renewable energy. The new strategy calls for boring a giant hole right down to the Earth’s core to find dinosaurs and revitalizing the whaling industry.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, the elite team of Islam experts at Fox News released a map from the Clarion Project identifying at least eight U.S. states that have been toppled by Muslim regimes -- the latest casualties in the alarming rise of “no-go zones.” These enclaves, which until now had plagued only isolated cities across the United Kingdom and France, appear to be spreading. Conservative lawmakers and foreign policy analysts warn that Muslim-controlled no-go zones will continue to infect societies like a global contagion if serious measures are not taken to contain the outbreak. Others say we’re already too late. With the release of a new photo transmitted by NASA’s Curiosity Rover -- showing the silhouette of a man tinkering with the spacecraft, which is stationed on Mars -- anti-terrorism authorities at Fox News believe the crisis has reached galactic proportions.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A 78-year-old Mississippi man was pronounced dead on Wednesday by the Holmes County coroner, presumably as a result of cardiac arrest. Later that night, however, as morticians were preparing to embalm the body, the corpse reanimated. Employees at the funeral home said they were alerted to the resurrection when they heard movement, and then kicking, coming from within the body bag. Area residents called the incident a miracle. But science-minded Republicans attributed the cause to a curse against humanity by God for the ongoing spate of gay rights laws being passed across the country.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The scientists commissioned by President Obama to construct the polar vortex machine -- a massive and covert device capable of generating freezing weather patterns across broad geographic regions to replicate arctic conditions -- have admitted that the technology has gotten out of control and is now, itself, contributing to global warming. Dr. Mason Sturmarzt, the head meteorologist for the clandestine project, said the device -- the existence of which was uncovered Monday by conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh -- is displacing substantial amounts of heat, "just like a refrigerator or air conditioner. It's basic thermodynamics, and we should have accounted for that."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Now that the slaying of an Australian baseball player in Oklahoma has become old news, the contentious debate of gun rights has once again given way to the contentious issue of gay rights. Much of the uproar stems from Russia's renewed sense of homophobia, which has resulted in the passage of recently ratified anti-gay laws that threaten to disrupt the 2014 Winter Olympics being hosted in Sochi. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin shocked the global community anew by announcing that two cosmonauts would be arrested under the law upon their return to Earth for "propagandizing non-traditional sexual actions" during their attempts to repair a camera on the International Space Station.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Archaeologists disclosed on May 1 that they had discovered the first conclusive evidence to support theories that settlers in the Jamestown, Va., colony resorted to cannibalism. Historians throughout the years have speculated that America's early colonists turned to this gruesome practice as a way to survive harsh conditions given the scarcity of resources in the New World. But recent findings from scientists at San Narciso College suggest cannibalism may have been practiced more routinely as a means to cure homosexuality -- not as a desperate attempt to fight starvation. "Considering the almost non-existent references to gays in colony annals, Jamestown may have been onto something," said Dr. Welles Snarling, the project leader and head of the university's School of Religious Anthropology.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On April 11, Iran's state-run news agency, Fars, announced that one of the country's leading scientists had mastered the metaphysical enigmas of time travel. Ali Razeghi, managing director of the country's Centre for Strategic Inventions, claimed to have developed a device capable of traversing the fourth dimension, which can be stored handily in a "personal computer case." Unfortunately, construction of the unit ran into the same setbacks as Iran's failed endeavors to build intercontinental ballistic missiles. But after nearly two frenzied weeks of redesign, the Centre unveiled a working prototype that will hit store shelves this summer.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- During the Roman Inquisition of 1615, a high court acting under orders from Pope Urban VIII found Galileo Galilei guilty of heresy for promoting his theory of heliocentrism -- the controversial notion that the earth revolves around the sun, which conflicted with the prevailing religious thinking of the time. Galileo was subsequently convicted, forced to recant his blasphemous scientific offenses, and spent the rest of his life under house arrest. Years later, an increasingly vocal and influential community of astronomers and physicists would bear out the truth of Galileo's observations. The Italian government has made every concession since that time to give science its due, but science failed miserably in 2009 when an earthquake struck the central region of the country and killed over 300 people. No one knew it was coming. Nobody was warned in advance to evacuate the area. "For its vanity and braggadocio, science fell asleep trying to keep God's watch," a Vatican spokesperson said. On Monday, an Italian court convicted seven geological experts of manslaughter for failing to predict the impending natural disaster.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Saturday's lunar eclipse offered spectators the chance to witness a strange sight traditionally thought impossible. The unusual effect is known by astronomers as a "selenelion" and occurs when both the sun and eclipsed moon can be observed at the same time. However, celestial geometry dictates that this can't happen. The unique spectacle wowed people across the planet, although it paled in comparison to the even stranger but equally improbable announcement the next day by Republican leader Mitch McConnell, who told "Fox News Sunday" that Congress will somehow reach a bi-partisan agreement to renew the popular payroll tax cuts set to expire at the end of this month. As puzzled political analysts struggled to make sense of McConnell's statement, astronomer Parke Kunkle stepped in to explain how the same forces behind the selenelion were at play in Congress.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- An enormous asteroid known by astronomers as 2005 YU 55 will pass closer to Earth than the moon this coming Tuesday, causing consternation and grave concerns for scientists. “It’s the first time since 1976 that an object of this size has passed this closely to the Earth,” said Leo Biederman, who made the grim discovery. “I’m very worried. Ever seen ‘Deep Impact?’ The economy is in the toilet, federal spending is out of control, all wages and prices are frozen, the first black president’s popularity is spiraling down the toilet as he vainly attempts to keep control, and the panicked population places all its hopes in some far-fetched venture called the Messiah to save them from a global-level catastrophe. Let’s just say I’m not making any plans after November 8.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

Photo courtesy of GETTY

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Determining the origins of Earth’s oceans have puzzled scientists for ages. Because of the intense heat present after the planet’s creation, water would quickly have evaporated, making life unsustainable. For that reason, scientists generally placed the emergence of oceans around eight million years later. The question of where the water came from, however, remained a mystery. But astronomers now claim to have located a comet with the same chemical composition as the Earth’s oceans, proving that celestial bodies were a major source of water for early Earth. “It means it is not true any more that a maximum of 10 percent of water could have come from comets,” the lead astronomer in the study explained. “Now, in principle, all the water could have come from comets.”

Interestingly, the news captured the attention of presidential candidate Rick Perry, who said the findings demonstrated a clear link between the “very little we know about science” and the “preponderance of what we know to be true about Genesis. If we want to fix the world’s problems through science, let’s do it the way God did.”