Thursday, April 25, 2013

Iran's Time Machine Prototype Hits Store Shelves This Summer

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On April 11, Iran's state-run news agency, Fars, announced that one of the country's leading scientists had mastered the metaphysical enigmas of time travel. Ali Razeghi, managing director of the country's Centre for Strategic Inventions, claimed to have developed a device capable of traversing the fourth dimension, which can be stored handily in a "personal computer case." Unfortunately, construction of the unit ran into the same setbacks as Iran's failed endeavors to build intercontinental ballistic missiles. But after nearly two frenzied weeks of redesign, the Centre unveiled a working prototype that will hit store shelves this summer.

At the time of the initial announcement, Razeghi explained that the machine's algorithms would discern key details about the next five to eight years of a user's life by simply reading impressions imparted from the operator's touch. Fars said the time machine "will not take you into the future; it will bring the future to you."

Iranian officials, in Thursday's statement to the press, assured an eager public that version 2.0 improves and expands upon this functionality. The new model has the capability to read the future minute-by-minute, indefinitely and without the original eight-year constraints. Even better, the device now fits in the palm of a user's hand.

But U.S. security experts worry that the time machine's true purpose involves military applications. A device that delivers accurate, predictive intelligence would, in theory, foretell an adversary's movements and plans. This could hamper efforts to halt Iran's nuclear ambitions.

Unclassified excerpts from a newly published Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) report warns U.N. Security Council members of the unfathomable dangers of an omniscient Iran.

A chrononautical machine in the hands of a bellicose Islamic Republic leaves the rest of the world virtually defenseless. Some Western military leaders suggested launching a new round of cyber attacks through Stuxnet malware, similar to those deployed between 2009 and 2010 to sabotage Iran's uranium enrichment program.

NATO condemned those attacks as "acts of force." Beyond that, NATO cautioned U.S. officials that renewed hacking attempts would be futile: "With a time machine, Iran will know what you're up to and will already have implemented countermeasures."

The device, being marketed as the Blessed Khatim Sulayman Eight Ball, promises Islamic consumers an intuitive, user-friendly soothsaying experience.

The plastic orb is adorned with the traditional eight-point Muslim star, or Khatim Sulayman (Seal of the Prophets), from which the device's name is derived.

To see the future, users need only shake the device vigorously and wait for their predictions to magically appear in the ball's window.

Razeghi said the time machine includes 20 mystic answers, chosen based on years of empirical scientific research, that can reveal the user's destiny accurately and on demand. Some examples follow.

  • It is certain death to the infidels
  • It is decidedly Jewish -- destroy it
  • Without a doubt, we have no homosexuals here
  • Yes definitely
  • You may rely on the treachery of America
  • As I see it take hostages
  • Consult the Ayatollah, for only he can interpret the Qur'an for you
  • Outlook jihad
  • Jihad
  • Signs point to jihad
  • Reply hazy, you must be near an infidel
  • Go to mosque and pray again
  • Don't count on the Great Satan
  • My reply is jihad
  • My sources say enrich uranium
  • Outlook not so blessed
  • Reply hazy as theories of the Holocaust, try again

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