Thursday, April 4, 2013

North Korea Readies Missiles, Mistaking 'Iron Man' Premiere in Seoul for US Superweapon Display

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The premiere of "Iron Man 3" in Seoul could be this century's "shot heard round the world." South Korea's defense officials disclosed Thursday that North Korea has moved an arsenal of longer range missiles to its eastern shores in another bellicose overture toward the West. This action follows a series of blistering threats that Kim Jong-un has issued to the United States and its allies in recent weeks. Ironically, Pyongyang is now saying its actions are defensive and being undertaken to combat the "ever-escalating U.S. hostile policy towards the DPRK [North Korea] and its reckless nuclear threat."

The rogue nation began ratcheting up the saber rattling after the United Nations Security Council imposed tougher sanctions for its detonation of a third underground nuclear bomb in February. North Korea also broke the 60-year armistice with the South and severed its hotlines to other countries.

Last week, after the United States conducted military maneuvers over the Korean peninsula from its bases in Japan, military officials from Pyongyang ratified a formal declaration of war, blocked access to workers from South Korea into joint industrial zones, and announced the reactivation of a mothballed nuclear reactor.

But with today's revelation of a "new U.S. superweapon," North Korea formally released a list of targets that included Guam, Hawaii, the U.S. mainland, and South Korea.

Leaders from the North cited a "merciless and evil propaganda film" they intercepted from a "shamelessly televised military event" in Seoul, in which they claim a "flying suit of armor with heavy ballistic capabilities, piloted by soulless, ruthless, murderous soldiers" was being unveiled.

Although analysts from around the globe do not believe North Korea has the capabilities to deliver a nuclear payload to any of these targets, the Pentagon confirmed Wednesday the deployment of an advanced missile defense system to Guam over the next few weeks, two years ahead of schedule. U.S. officials called the move a "precautionary" effort to defend vital interests in the region, along with naval and air forces, from any missile attack -- conventional or otherwise.

The United States also denied any knowledge of a superweapon, especially one as improbable as a soldier in a flying metal suit.

Pyongyang published the following statement through its state-run media to discredit the U.S. denials:

The imperialist overlords in the West are not so clever as they think. Their lies are as transparent as their pasty paper skin and money green eyes. We know they have sent their celebrity gladiators to Seoul to demonstrate a weapon that every democracy in the world should fear, and tremble at, and make urine in their expensive Jordache jeans over. We have downloaded many hours of military training films featuring this iron man blowing up defenseless tribesmen in the Middle East and even attacking U.S. forces. The inventor of the machine, Tony Stark, was in South Korea today preparing to unleash his Satanic army of metal demons on our starving people. We have no choice but to destroy America before its factories can produce more weapons of mass destruction. They think we are stupid. And their big fat egos have failed them again. In their complacency, they allowed this secret footage to be shown on Netflix, which our creepy, brown, man-lady friend Dennis Rodman showed us how to use when he was here for the Liza Minnelli Lookalike Wii Bowling tournament.

Entertainment sources confirmed that actor Robert Downey Jr. was celebrating his 48th birthday in Seoul on Thursday, where he also attended the red carpet premiere of Disney/Marvel's "Iron Man 3." Pentagon officials are confident this is the source of North Korea's misunderstanding. Their attempts to explain the comic book hero to Kim Jong-un, however, were met with skepticism and dismissal.

Reportedly, North Korean military leaders have appealed to China to destroy "Tony Stark, his metal peace-rapist machine, and his entourage of camera-wielding killers" after learning that Downey's next stop on the tour will take him to Beijing in early April.

2013. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.

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