RNC Leaks Documents Sent to Press about True Nature of Ebola Threat: Scary, Will Kill Your Children

“The Republican Party is fighting for a freer and stronger America where everyone has the opportunity to achieve the American Dream without dying from Ebola” ~ Reince Priebus

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The United States has only been in the throes of this domestic Ebola scare for a couple of weeks, but media sources reveal that the coverage has already topped the relentless reporting of past doomsday-worthy scenarios such as the Boston Marathon bombing or the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Some media watchdogs claim that over 7,000 references to the dangers of Ebola have made their way on air this week alone. Yet liberal organizations have derided such journalists as Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and every Fox News pundit for failing to properly educate citizens about the real nature of the threat. “The result is a frightening level of misinformation about Ebola and a deep lack of understanding of the virus by most Americans,” Media Matters for America wrote Friday. And that’s why RNC Chairman Reince Priebus has leaked information sent to press outlets by the GOP, which seeks to correct misleading reporting by doctors, health officials, liberal politicians and leftist media.

Study Says Child Drowns in Pool Every Five Days, Cursed Child’s Parents Completely Freaked Out

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween is almost upon us, but here in Southern California the high temperatures still remind one of summer. Families across San Narciso County, over 90 percent of whom own pools, continue to refresh themselves with a cool swim while awaiting the first autumn chills to arrive. But child safety experts want to remind parents of the dangers associated with pools, particularly now that the surreal season of spooks and hauntings is upon us. According to a creepy study published by the Center for Injury Prevention at San Narciso Children’s Hospital, a child dies in a portable pool every five days. And while the study’s authors say the statistic demonstrates the need for consumer education and affordable protection devices, the child’s distressed parents are demanding an explanation from scientists as to how their son, Russ, continues to drown once a week and then somehow resurrect.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Posted by BC Bass

Liberals and Tea Partiers Protest Columbus Day Celebration: Too Racist and Not Racist Enough

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Yesterday, many U.S. citizens observed the arrival of Christopher Columbus to American shores, a voyage that concluded on October 12, 1492. The holiday has been celebrated unofficially since the late 18th century, and officially in various areas since the early 20th century. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies have bolstered the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration. This year, however, Mayor Manny DiPresso has increased security after receiving word that a group of demonstrators -- primarily historians from the college -- plans to protest the ceremony.

Al-Assad Cheers U.S. Airstrikes for Helping Him Kill More Syrian Civilians

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Russian President Vladimir Putin, the ironic international interlocutor for territorial sovereignty, condemned U.S.-led airstrikes on Syria this week, excoriating the West’s aggressive actions as lacking “authority without buy-in from Syrian President Bashar al-Assad,” a point Moscow emphasized to the United Nations Secretary-General. Perhaps unbeknownst to Putin, his friend al-Assad, who has decimated thousands of his own people since the 2011 rebel uprisings in his country, is not only buying into the bombings, he’s giddily cheering on American military forces for their assistance in wiping out even larger numbers of the Syrian civilians he detests.

Talk Like a Pirate Day Stunt Draws SWAT Team When Enthusiasts Invade Krispy Kreme Dressed as Somali Raiders

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- September 19 celebrates the swashbuckling spirit of high-seas adventures each year as International Talk Like a Pirate Day. For millions of scoundrels and fo’c’sle swabs, that means donning eyepatches, 17th century frock coats, ornate tricorn hats, plastic hooks and cutlasses, and pledging allegiance to the skull and crossbones of a Jolly Roger. Several businesses partake of the festivities, too. This Friday, the popular doughnut chain Krispy Kreme is offering a free glazed treat to any landlubber willing to order in the parlance of Blackbeard or Long John Silver. For truly scurvy wenches, scallywags and blackguards who arrive adorned in full pirate garb, Krispy Kreme surrenders a bounty of a dozen doughnuts. However, panic erupted near San Narciso’s waterfront district this morning when hardcore enthusiasts raided the usually low-key bakery and coffeehouse dressed as armed Somali pirates.

Friday, September 19, 2014
Posted by BC Bass

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