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Saturday, January 21, 2017

Melania Trump Redecorates White House with Startling Renovations

melania trump redecorates white house

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This week marks a transformative shift as President Donald Trump prepares the White House for his occupation. It is customary for new residents to redecorate the living quarters and other domestic areas of the property. Some rooms remain off-limits, but the new president may generally change the top two floors of the 132-room estate. As Marie Claire notes, “Usually, the First Lady has taken the lead on redecorating the family living spaces, so if the Trumps follow tradition, Melania’s taste will dictate what the top two floors of the White House look like for the next four years.” Judging by the radical renovations Melania had installed on Friday, the nation has a clear picture of the direction in which Trump plans to lead America.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Trump Admits Taxes Will Fund Border Wall, Hires Mexican Day Laborers to Cut Costs

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After Donald Trump admitted that American taxpayers, not the Mexican government, may be responsible for the costs of erecting a wall along the U.S.-Mexico border, government officials noticed members of the president-elect’s transition team hiring day laborers from hardware store parking lots for a “massive construction project.”

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Paul Ryan Gives Up Taxpayer Funded Benefits to Support Obamacare Repeal

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Thursday, the Republican-controlled Senate took a major step toward eviscerating the Affordable Care Act (ACA), also known as Obamacare. In a 51 to 48 vote, senators approved a proposal that would empower them to gut key provisions of the health care act without facing a filibuster by opposing Democrats. The following Tuesday, however, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office (CBO) published research that depicted significant impacts from a repeal. Their top concerns involved vast numbers of uninsured Americans and skyrocketing premiums, which would effectively put medical care beyond the reach of millions. The charge is being led by House Speaker Paul Ryan, who has been trying to gut the wasteful federal government for years, seeking instead a greater reliance on privatization. To show the inherent dangers of providing citizens with access to health care, Ryan boldly renounced all of the socialist, Hitler-esque, taxpayer funded benefits he receives as a member of Congress.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Audience to Headline Trump Inauguration Day in Elegant Karaoke Party

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although several of the entertainment industry’s most prominent celebrities and performers have turned down invitations to Donald Trump’s inaugural celebration, the event promises to be a concert for the people -- and perhaps even by the people. On December 22, Trump tweeted: “The so-called ‘A’ list celebrities are all wanting tixs to the inauguration, but look what they did for Hillary, NOTHING. I want the PEOPLE!” Sources close to the president-elect say he will make good on that statement by encouraging audience members to headline the event, which has now been drastically scaled down and re-themed as “an elegant karaoke party,” according to Kellyanne Conway.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Trump Fires National Guard Commander, Needs General Unafraid to Shoot Crowds

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a highly contentious and ill-timed decision, President-elect Donald Trump informed Gen. Errol R. Schwartz, head of the Washington D.C. National Guard, that he will be removed from his post on January 20 at 12:01 p.m., the same time as Trump’s inauguration. Neither the general nor the media were offered an explanation for the firing. However, a member of Trump’s private security detail, which he will retain once in the White House, explained that more assertive leadership is required. Because the streets of the nation’s capital will be packed with thousands of outraged Americans who have threatened to protest Trump’s swearing-in, the new president will need a National Guard unafraid to fire on unruly crowds. Aides also noted that Schwartz is, in his official capacity, a heavily armed black man in charge of thousands of trained soldiers -- a status likely to exacerbate tensions with police and Trump supporters.
 
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