Friday, September 20, 2019

NRA Ridicules Sandy Hook PSA and Teases Own “See Something, Shoot Something” Ad

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A chilling and emotionally fraught public service announcement (PSA) by Sandy Hook Promise, which debuted on the September 18 broadcast of Today, has haunted Americans since its airing with a jarring message about the perils facing students in an era where mass shootings have practically become normalized in their frequency and lackluster response by officials. The video opens much like those cheery back-to-school ads pushed by retailers during this time of year. Instead of voguing about campus with their cool new gear, however, the students descend into a nightmarish horrorscape, fleeing an unseen attacker as violence erupts around them. “It’s difficult to watch,” admitted National Rifle Association (NRA) leaders. “But not because of the anti-gun propaganda flagrantly basted over this turkey. If the purpose of our schools is to teach students how to survive the harsh realities of America, this video demonstrates just what a terrible job they’re doing.”

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Trump Orders White House Evacuation, Citing Threat of Independence Day Attacks by Illegal Aliens


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Panicked White House staffers reported that President Trump directly curtailed planned Independence Day celebrations to order an evacuation of the grounds early Wednesday morning, citing an alien threat. Interns described the president’s behavior as erratic. “His mannerisms were more deranged than usual, and he was spewing delusions about invasions and annihilation,” one said. Secret Service initially believed Trump had procured evidence of a massive, possibly hostile attack from immigrants and civil rights activists who have been protesting the internment of children separated from their parents at the controversial Casa Padre facility in Texas. But sources now claim that Trump’s actions came in response to an airing of the 1996 film “Independence Day,” which he mistook for “intel from the future collected by NSA ‘precogs.’”

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Security Cited in July 4 NJ Beach Closure: Wildlife Activists Tried to Push Christie in Ocean


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday, Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.), dubbed the least popular governor in America, ordered the state to close a taxpayer-funded beach during one of the busiest holiday celebrations of the summer. This weekend, revelers hoping to enjoy some sun and quality time on the sands of Island Beach State Park found the popular destination off limits -- to everyone but Chris Christie, who turned a public playground into his private Mar-a-Lago. Citizens of New Jersey erupted in fury after learning that miles of coastline would be roped off to accommodate Gov. Christie. But his aides explained that the governor’s “unnaturally immense stature” and past security incidents necessitated the action. “Last year, a horde of frantic children broke past security and desperately tried to push the governor into the water, screaming something about him being beached,”a spokesperson clarified.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Trump Crashes New Jersey Wedding Reception to Grope Young Bride


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday night, shortly after sealing their nuptials, a young couple received a surprise visit from Donald Trump. The president crashed the wedding reception being held at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster Township, New Jersey, where he proceeded to kiss, hug, fondle and grope the new bride who bore a striking resemblance to First Lady Daughter Ivanka Trump. The unexpected appearance was captured on video by guests at the event.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Bizarre Details of James Comey’s Public Testimony Leaked to Press


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Former FBI Director James Comey, whom Donald Trump unceremoniously discharged nearly a month ago, is set to take the stand in a public testimony on Thursday, during which time he will reveal the sensitive and fraught communications he shared with the president between January and May. CNN has already described the event as the “Super Bowl” of Washington politics. Comey’s revelations will likely raise the stakes for this troubled administration. White House staffers and counsel have gathered to prepare an aggressive defense, which intimates that Comey has a powerful story to tell. Despite the anxiety and speculation, some details have been leaked to the Evening Transcript.
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