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Thursday, July 6, 2017

Security Cited in July 4 NJ Beach Closure: Wildlife Activists Tried to Push Christie in Ocean

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday, Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.), dubbed the least popular governor in America, ordered the state to close a taxpayer-funded beach during one of the busiest holiday celebrations of the summer. This weekend, revelers hoping to enjoy some sun and quality time on the sands of Island Beach State Park found the popular destination off limits -- to everyone but Chris Christie, who turned a public playground into his private Mar-a-Lago. Citizens of New Jersey erupted in fury after learning that miles of coastline would be roped off to accommodate Gov. Christie. But his aides explained that the governor’s “unnaturally immense stature” and past security incidents necessitated the action. “Last year, a horde of frantic children broke past security and desperately tried to push the governor into the water, screaming something about him being beached,”a spokesperson clarified.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Trump Crashes New Jersey Wedding Reception to Grope Young Bride

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday night, shortly after sealing their nuptials, a young couple received a surprise visit from Donald Trump. The president crashed the wedding reception being held at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster Township, New Jersey, where he proceeded to kiss, hug, fondle and grope the new bride who bore a striking resemblance to First Lady Daughter Ivanka Trump. The unexpected appearance was captured on video by guests at the event.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Bizarre Details of James Comey’s Public Testimony Leaked to Press

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Former FBI Director James Comey, whom Donald Trump unceremoniously discharged nearly a month ago, is set to take the stand in a public testimony on Thursday, during which time he will reveal the sensitive and fraught communications he shared with the president between January and May. CNN has already described the event as the “Super Bowl” of Washington politics. Comey’s revelations will likely raise the stakes for this troubled administration. White House staffers and counsel have gathered to prepare an aggressive defense, which intimates that Comey has a powerful story to tell. Despite the anxiety and speculation, some details have been leaked to the Evening Transcript.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Trump Ditches Paris Accord, Sets Sights on Jurassic Park-Inspired Fossil Fuel Farms

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In struggling to uphold his campaign pledges, many of which have stalled or faded away in a billow of brazen rhetoric, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he will withdraw the United States from the Paris accord, a landmark 2015 global agreement to combat the devastating effects of climate change. Trump has generally viewed green energy initiatives as unfounded scams that contribute nothing to the economy, although employment figures, growth projections and financial data paint a different portrait. Instead, Trump seeks to bolster American production and create jobs by reviving the whaling industry and, in an odd remark from the White House Rose Garden, “putting scientists to work engineering a tremendous Jurassic Park full of dinosaurs we can breed and harvest into petroleum -- like an amazing fossil fuel farm.”

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Mar-a-Lago Members Can Buy Fortune Cookies with Classified Information Inside

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For Donald Trump, sharing state secrets with any interested foreign actor has become a sort of proving ground in a rite of passage to be accepted as a legitimate global leader -- a way to validate that he holds genuine power and knowledge. But as his approval rating plummets into an abyss of historic lows, even among right-wing pollsters, Trump has found himself perched atop a fulcrum on which his authority and ability to command teeter. He has become desperate to reassert his image of brash confidence and superior insight. So beginning on June 1, restaurants at Trump’s Palm Beach resort will treat curious diners to confidential secrets that promise to be juicier than their overcooked, cloth-textured steaks. For $500, visitors to Mar-a-Lago may purchase fortune cookies that contain one piece of classified U.S. intelligence (limit one cookie per guest).
 
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