SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to health researchers, today marks one of the most dangerous days of the year; and the switch to daylight savings time bears the blame. When the clocks are pushed ahead by an hour, they assert, one-fifth of the world's population suffers "acute effects" as a result of waking 60 minutes earlier to prepare for work or school. Among the perils created by springing forward are increased traffic accidents, a noticeable increase in the incidence of intense myocardial infarctions, a marked rise in the prevalence of workplace violence, and a greater number of suicide attempts. But mental health professionals in San Narciso County, Calif., discovered a more insidious and horrifying byproduct of daylight savings time this weekend -- a population of now homeless people who have been stuck living in a single hour for the past 27 years.
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Obesity in the United States is considered by many health experts to have reached epidemic proportions. Immediately after President Obama took office, First Lady Michelle Obama launched an aggressive campaign to promote exercise, nutrition and healthy habits for young children. As of today, 10,000 child care centers across the nation have adopted Mrs. Obama’s program. Her progress, according to federal health authorities, has also inspired parents to buy healthier, lower-calorie foods for their children. The success of these efforts is historic and undeniable -- the CDC reported last week an unprecedented 43-percent drop in obesity rates among two- to five-year-old children. But Republican lawmakers warn that this fitness agenda is a dangerous aspect of Mr. Obama’s socialist healthcare reform, intended to cripple the nation’s thriving health insurance market and destroy the economy.
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A larger-than-usual gathering of Catholics celebrating Ash Wednesday in Bennington Vale caused confusion and havoc among the community's predominantly white Republican Evangelical Protestant population. According to Mike Fallopian, Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, the problem began with an incident at the area Whole Foods. "At first I wasn't sure what I was seeing," Fallopian explained. "These three women were standing in line with dirt smeared all over their faces. Normally, when you politely tell a person she has something on her face, she discreetly wipes it away and thanks you. Not so much on Ash Wednesday, it turns out."
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Pope Francis on Sunday appealed to Catholics around the world for their prayers as the situation in the Ukraine worsened, which also triggered an increase in tensions between the United States and Russia as already tenuous relations began unraveling over Putin’s threat of military action in the Crimean Peninsula. Speaking to a crowd of thousands from his apartment window overlooking St. Peter’s Square, the impassioned pontiff shocked his audience with an expletive laden sermon, calling the situation in Ukraine a “f**king tragedy” and urging world leaders to work toward a “peaceful f**king resolution, for f**k’s sake.”
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A 78-year-old Mississippi man was pronounced dead on Wednesday by the Holmes County coroner, presumably as a result of cardiac arrest. Later that night, however, as morticians were preparing to embalm the body, the corpse reanimated. Employees at the funeral home said they were alerted to the resurrection when they heard movement, and then kicking, coming from within the body bag. Area residents called the incident a miracle. But science-minded Republicans attributed the cause to a curse against humanity by God for the ongoing spate of gay rights laws being passed across the country.