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Friday, March 24, 2017

HHS Appointee Fleming: Tattoos Appear Like Stigmata on Drug Users

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Prior to January 2017, John Fleming served as a representative for Louisiana’s 4th congressional district. More recently, he joined the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) as President’s Trump appointee for assistant secretary in charge of health technology. He answers to Secretary Tom Price. Fleming’s position garnered little, if any, media attention. But the public now wants to know how Fleming will help guide key health policies, given that Trump’s other cabinet picks have come under intense scrutiny. The answer may lie in Fleming’s 2006 book on adolescent addiction, which warns of the inextricable bond between counter-culture expressions -- including piercings, alternative music, modern fashion and tattoos -- and drugs, which appear like stigmata on those who sin against the white, 1950’s, American ideal that represents the Lord’s perfect realization of purity.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Health Care Overhaul Vote Delayed: Bill Lacks Hate and Discrimination Promised

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following a day of drama, marathon meetings, intense discussions and combative posturing, the vote to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA) has been postponed until Friday. House Republicans must persuade at least 21 members of their caucus to support the bill, under the presumption that no Democrats will endorse it. However, 26 conservatives confirmed that they will vote against the current version of the American Health Care Act (AHCA). Four other Republicans stated they would likely oppose it. Despite concessions, the bill, derisively dubbed Obamacare Lite, “doesn’t begin to discriminate or hate hard enough,” opponents explained. “We were sold Mengele; what we got stank of Mother Teresa.”

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Trump Budget Ends Fascist Marine Sanctuaries, Saves Oil Spilling and Trash Dumping Jobs

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In September 2014, former President Barack Obama again abused his executive privileges by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to shelter parts of the ocean from businesses, pushing the United States closer to economic ruin and communism. The misguided marine sanctuaries protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises -- powerful market sectors that must be revived to repair Obama’s depressed economy and restore employment to “billions of out-of-work Americans,” according to President Trump. His recently released budget plan aims to overcome these setbacks. Trump’s morally motivated cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and other environmental agencies, will seek to end the insidious “ecological fascism” that is eroding America’s greatness through the destruction of corporate fishing, oil spilling and trash dumping industries.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Dentist Says Trump Demanded Extraction of Monitoring Device in Tooth

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s insistence that allied powers are monitoring him surreptitiously has not relented. He has accused former President Obama and British spies of tapping his communications. In testimonies given Monday before the House Intelligence Committee, not a single U.S. investigative body found a shred of proof to validate the president’s explosive accusations. But in a stunning revelation Tuesday, a prominent D.C. dentist confessed that Trump scheduled an urgent appointment to have a “tracking device” extracted from his tooth. The president explained that he was a time traveler from the year 2055, who had been sent into the past to stop a virus that will wipe out most of humanity in 2017. Trump also clarified that Barack Obama and Theresa May -- or rather their direct, weirdly eponymous descendants -- lead the shadowy government cabal responsible for ordering his fourth-dimensional transit. They ostensibly surveil his activities through the dental implant.

Friday, March 17, 2017

A Trump Saint Patrick’s Day: Nigerian Poetry, Disabled Children and Lots of Orange

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump honored Saint Patrick’s Day in his accustomed idiom by citing a Nigerian poem as a proverb of the Emerald Isle during a meeting with Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny. The breakfast began, as The Washington Post explained, with a “cringe-worthy, mildly offensive Irish cliche in front of a room full of Irish people.” The event, hosted at the residence of Vice President Mike Pence, degenerated from there. Among the gaffes were Speaker Paul Ryan’s hoisting of a “despicable pint” of Guinness, which resembled a glass of fetid diarrhea, followed by outraged special needs advocates and lots of orange.
 
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