Unfamiliar Ash Wednesday Rituals Cause Confusion and Confrontation in Suburb

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A larger-than-usual gathering of Catholics celebrating Ash Wednesday in Bennington Vale caused confusion and havoc among the community's predominantly Evangelical Protestant population. According to Mike Fallopian, Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, the problem began with an incident at the area Trader Joe's.

"At first I wasn't sure what I was seeing," Fallopian explained. "These three women were standing in line with dirt smeared all over their faces. Normally, when you politely tell a person she has something on her face, she discreetly wipes it away and thanks you. Not so much on Ash Wednesday, it turns out."

Virginia's Controversial Adoption Bill Welcome News to Satanists and Scientologists

RICHMOND, Va. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With Lent nearing, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell says he is poised to sign controversial "conscience clause" legislation that would allow faith-based adoption agencies to discriminate against families for religious and political differences. The bill protects private agencies from legal retaliation for denying placements based on sexual orientation, age, disability, gender, family status or political beliefs. It passed the state's Senate Tuesday, having previously been approved by the Republican-controlled House of Delegates earlier in the month. Virginia Catholic Conference Executive Director Jeff Caruso noted that "the bill does not change adoption or foster care law in any way, and it doesn't change who can or cannot adopt or be foster parents." Despite backlash from affirmative action and civil rights groups, the bill comes as welcome news to a number of Satanic cults that have previously been forced to place children of "liberated, carnal beasts" into Christian homes, which they describe as "prisons of guilt, oppression and anti-individuality."

After Vetoing Same-Sex Marriage, Gov. Chris Christie Compares Gay Unions to Monte Cristo Sandwiches

TRENTON, N.J. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Gov. Chris Christie followed through on his promise to veto a bill seeking to legalize same-sex marriages in New Jersey, disappointing but not surprising Democrats in the state. Christie quickly struck down the measure Friday, sending the bill back to the Legislature like an undercooked pork chop. Progressive pundit Ferrel Michaels said: "Gov. Christie told me directly that he would move quickly to kill any gay marriage measure that hit his desk. I laughed, because it's funny to imagine Christie moving quickly for anything that doesn't involve pie. But he honored his commitment to slapping a 'big fat veto' on the bill. Pretty much sums the guy up. I mean that he infuses his personal ideology into the law, not that he's fat -- although he's certainly that too." In rejecting the proposed bill, Christie reiterated that voters -- not the individuals they elected to represent them in the Assembly -- should decide how to define marriage within New Jersey.

Texas Officials Praise Honduras Prison System Efficiencies

Courtesy Getty Images

COMAYAGUA, Honduras (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In one of the world's worst prison fires, flames raged through an overcrowded complex in Honduras, leaving 359 people dead. Officials suspected a convict of starting the blaze by igniting his mattress. A phone call placed to the governor by another inmate, who claimed to have witnessed the incident, seemed to confirm this. Unable to escape the inferno that gutted the Comayagua National Penitentiary on Tuesday night, terrified prisoners died screaming to be let out of their cells. One man, serving a 10-year sentence for murder, managed to escape. He told reporters that fire brigades did not arrive for more than a half an hour. Relatives of the victims denounced the government for maintaining inhumane living conditions through massive overcrowding, negligent guards and a "failed" justice system. But despite the notoriety and criticism the prison has drawn, officials from the Texas penal system praised the reaction of the facility's staff and noted several efficiencies they may adopt stateside.

Energized by Birth Control Victory, Catholic Bishops Seek Constitutional Amendment for Leviticus Laws

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Over the past few weeks, Catholic bishops have sparred with President Obama over the contentious issue of religious freedom as symbolized by federal mandates that require health insurance plans to offer free contraception. Obama caved to the pressure and offered a compromise that considers the priorities of all parties -- insurance companies, people seeking birth control and church-sponsored employers who object to the provision of contraceptives on religious grounds. As part of the agreement, faith-based organizations such as hospitals, schools and universities would be exempt from funding the coverage. For employees who request birth control, their insurance providers would issue it without raising premiums. Some Catholic groups have praised the compromise, but the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops continues to protest that the exemption doesn't go far enough in protecting religious rights. Now, energized by their recent victory, Catholic leaders are planning an aggressive campaign to rally the devout against a long list of government measures they feel intrude on religious liberties. "We want to make it something that will get peoples' attention," said Bishop William Lori of Bridgeport, Conn. With that, the council demanded that Christians be allowed to practice the severe laws outlined in Leviticus without legal repercussions.

Special Events for Lovelorn Singles on Valentine's Day

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Alone on Valentine's Day and not sure what to do? If you live in Bennington Vale, and you fall into that odd one percent of the city's unwed yet heterosexual residents, then February 14 can present an understandably bleak outlook. Fortunately, we at The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in that hole where your heart should have been. It's better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

Dining and Drinking
Piers Addleson's Pea House is offering an off-menu special for single men. In order to get the multi-course meal, for the astoundingly low price of seven dollars, simply approach the hostess and say, "I'm so lonely, I could die."

As California Receives $18 Billion Mortgage Settlement, Responsible Renters Buy Overpriced Homes and Apply for Government Relief

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Attorney General Kamala Harris issued a statement Thursday announcing that California will receive up to $18 billion in relief benefits under a federal-state mortgage settlement. Of that money, $12 billion will be allocated to cutting debt for the state's distressed homeowners and to assist with short sales, a more favorable alternative to foreclosure proceedings. The decision comes on the heels of rules introduced in October 2011 by the Federal Housing Finance Agency to help underwater homeowners refinance their mortgages at lower rates through the federal Home Affordable Refinance Program (HARP). "If you view the situation as a microcosm," said Len Waybill, chief economist for San Narciso's Peter Pinguid Society, "these homeowners are now no different than AIG or Lehman Brothers. They've become institutions so large and interconnected to other financial players that their failures would be disastrous to the economy." As a result, millions of responsible Californians, who opted to rent instead of signing risky subprime loans during an outrageously overpriced market, are now scrambling to bury themselves in as much debt as possible in hopes of becoming "too big to fail."