Thursday, October 20, 2016

Final Presidential Debate: Monster Cereal Mascots Polling Higher Than Trump


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Wednesday evening brought to a close the series of presidential debates for the upcoming election in November. Our staff covered the event live on social media, posting from a rented trailer parked at a seedy KOA lot behind Circus Circus. The debate opened with what seemed a paid, hour-long advertisement from the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce. It quickly degenerated into one of the most cringe-worthy displays of aphasia, pique, pandering and open misogyny from the embattled Republican candidate. Following are highlights of the debate. If there is a defining sentiment that encapsulates the performance, our reporters summarized it this way: “You know what they say, what happens in Vegas...well, it would be awesome if it could just stay in Vegas.”

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Trump Surprisingly Endorses Clinton’s Mandatory Sex Change Plan


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In what sounds like a page from dystopian fiction, conservative columnist David Horowitz speculated that a Hillary Clinton presidency would lead to “mandated sex change operations.” In Horowitz’s bizarre and inexplicable rant, he warned that Clinton could impose these procedures as early as 2020. The proposal sent shockwaves of consternation through conservative channels, but Donald Trump admitted that he endorses the policy: “If Hillary is set on turning girlie men into actual girls, it’s a great plan. A terrific plan.”

Monday, October 17, 2016

Pence Buys Sex Doll for Trump to Safely Sate His Predatory Tendencies


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The rift between Donald Trump and Republicans continues to widen. Not only has the GOP presidential nominee launched relentless attacks targeting House Speaker Paul Ryan, he has frequently dismissed or countered statements by his running mate, Gov. Mike Pence (R-Ind.). The beleaguered vice presidential candidate appears to be foundering in his efforts to stave off Trump’s verbal and sexual assaults against women. The tactics of evading the issue or redirecting conversations to national security have done little to assuage critics. In a last-ditch move to placate Trump’s unsavory urges, Pence has reportedly purchased a custom-made RealDoll, the lifelike sex toy that replicates the physical dimensions and aesthetics of a woman. Spokespeople for Pence defended the unorthodox decision as a way for Trump to act out his predatory tendencies without actually assaulting women, or raping teenage girls.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Pence Unveils Strategy to Downplay Trump’s Misogyny: Terror, ISIS, Death


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Mike Pence is experimenting with a new PR approach to downplay Trump’s derogatory views on women: redirect all questions to terrorism. On Friday, reporters spoke to the vice presidential candidate about his running mate’s misogynistic behavior. An 11-year-old girl, they said, confessed her pain over Trump’s disrespectful comments about women, which the GOP nominee has brushed off as “locker room” banter. Pence responded by assuring the girl, and women everywhere, that the Trump campaign is committed -- committed to ending terrorism. Having no arrows in his quiver with which to protect Trump’s ruined reputation, Pence adopted a new strategy of pivoting to remarks about national security. We interviewed the candidate to learn more about the campaign’s shift in focus. Following is a transcript. (Note: Representatives for Pence vehemently denied his participation in the conversation).

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Trump to Testify in Child Rape Charge, Dismisses Incident as “Locker Room Antics”


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Donald Trump’s campaign continues to implode in a never-ending stream of misogynistic and racist rhetoric, the apologies for which often seem worse, the Republican presidential candidate may have new woes to face during the holidays. A seat on the dock awaits Trump, as he will be forced to testify in a lawsuit alleging that he raped a teenage girl at a party in 1994. The case actually had been submitted three times before, but the court dismissed the filings because of clerical errors -- possibly due to the young victim writing her grievance in crayon. The latest batch of documents passed muster, however, and a date has been set for mid December. Trump immediately insinuated that the charges were part of the insidious war on Christmas and denied any wrongdoing. His attorney, Alan Garten, called the accusations “reckless, irresponsible and categorically untrue.” He said Mr. Trump would not be commenting further, “because it gives credibility.” Interestingly, such statements would mark the first time Trump said anything credible.