SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In January, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the nation's foremost conservative business lobby, announced its annual ranking of the worst companies in America -- those organizations that consistently failed to embrace the true spirit of bottom-line capitalism. To make the prestigious list, companies had to demonstrate their failures to seize opportunities for maximizing profit potential by refusing to cut corners, reduce overhead, eliminate employer-sponsored benefits and perks, replace full-time workers with temps or automation, and outsource jobs to foreign nations with cheap labor pools and abysmal records of human rights. This Wednesday, just days after the biggest shopping day of the season, the Chamber upped the ante by accusing several of America's foremost retailers of un-American activities for their refusal to open on the holiday to champion the values of free market enterprise that define the morality and might of the nation.
"The first feast, so to speak, may also have been the nation's first Last Meal." -- Abel Wharfinger
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Racists aren't actually racist, say two prominent racists embroiled in recent controversies over comments they made about people of varying ethnic and racial backgrounds. For the past week, Miami Dolphins guard Richie Incognito, whose public shaming has made him anything but incognito, has suffered at the epicenter of a scandal that involves allegations of hate speech beyond the already questionable hazing rituals in the world of professional sports. Then Richard Cohen, The Washington Post's reliably gauche and humorless columnist, candidly explored the "conventional" American's vomitous reaction to miscegenation, which endures in this century as a sort of societal emetic.
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- George Zimmerman's fatal shooting of an unarmed teen named Trayvon Martin in 2012 sparked national outrage, a federal investigation, a reaffirmation of America's timeless love affair with the Second Amendment, and legal recognition, at least in the state of Florida, of candy as a legitimate threat to the nation's health, which must be put down through the exercise of extreme force. Zimmerman maintained that he gunned down Martin in self-defense, believing his life was in danger at the time the teen menacingly brandished a bag of candies and a dubious looking bottle of iced tea. A jury agreed and acquitted Zimmerman in July. On Wednesday, eight men invoked both the "Stand Your Ground" law and Zimmerman's "Skittles Defense" for their parts in the shooting of over 20 children on Halloween.
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Over the last week, the mainstream media has maliciously attempted to discredit presidential hopeful Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) with claims that he plagiarized a number of speeches and entire sections of his books. Although Paul has responded with only terse denials and the suggestion that slander should be grounds for justifiable homicide under the rules of the duello, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript has obtained an unreleased draft of a speech he is expected to give later this week. We are told this is not an apology, only a formal statement and defense on the matter.