Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Bizarre Details of James Comey’s Public Testimony Leaked to Press


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Former FBI Director James Comey, whom Donald Trump unceremoniously discharged nearly a month ago, is set to take the stand in a public testimony on Thursday, during which time he will reveal the sensitive and fraught communications he shared with the president between January and May. CNN has already described the event as the “Super Bowl” of Washington politics. Comey’s revelations will likely raise the stakes for this troubled administration. White House staffers and counsel have gathered to prepare an aggressive defense, which intimates that Comey has a powerful story to tell. Despite the anxiety and speculation, some details have been leaked to the Evening Transcript.

James Comey Steps into the Big Top of Trump’s Crumbling Carnival

The nation’s largest broadcasters will preempt normal programming to cover the hearing -- an unprecedented decision for a Congressional gathering that, in ordinary circumstances, would be considered mundane. But the information Comey may impart extends beyond the routine parliamentary procedures that typically occur on Capitol Hill.

“There’s lots and lots of other questions that Comey can answer in Thursday’s hearing,” wrote CNN Editor-at-large Chris Cillizza. “And his answers are the sort of stuff that could have explosive consequences for this president and this White House -- particularly given how adamant Trump has been that all of the reporting on his conversations with Comey is totally wrong.”

According to Sen. Richard Burr (R-N.C.), the Intelligence Committee chairman who will preside over the hearing, there are no limits on what Comey can say.

“The story Comey presumably has to tell is a humdinger, based on all of the amazing reporting in and around this White House and Comey’s relationship with Trump,” Cillizza added.

Trump’s possible collusion with Russian hackers who interfered with the election promises to be a centerpiece of Comey’s testimony, particularly since the erstwhile FBI director admitted that the president asked him to drop the investigation of Michael Flynn, Trump’s disgraced appointment for National Security Adviser. Flynn was fired in February amid controversy. He remains a focus of the Russia investigation for misleading the administration about his dealings with Moscow.

But given Mr. Trump’s unfiltered rants and penchant for freely releasing classified information, Comey may have learned a great deal in the four months he served under this president’s command. As we noted recently, like Coleridge’s Ancient Mariner, Trump almost seems cursed to stop one out of every three strangers to regale the hapless listener with tales of sensitive policies and covert military schemes. In fact, Trump announced last week that members of his Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach may purchase fortune cookies for $500 that contain a random piece of secret government intelligence.

The details leaked to the Evening Transcript depict a world leader teetering on the precipice of sanity. Beyond allegations of supplying foreign powers with access to state secrets, the documents outline bizarre behaviors that call into question Trump’s fitness to lead the nation.

Leaked Details of Comey’s Testimony

Close associates of Comey have portrayed him as a man of scrupulous note-taking, who built a repository of memos from his discussions with Trump to serve as a dead man’s switch. Following are highlights of the weird and disturbing interactions Comey allegedly recorded.

JANUARY 22: Trump mentioned an interest in following Germany’s example of removing socialist restrictions on personal choice by repealing incest laws. This, followed by an executive order introducing the Woody Allen Act (or Woody Act, for short). Trump then muttered a non-sequitur about divorcing Melania and taking Ivanka “out for a nice dinner at this place Cosby recommended.”

JANUARY 23: The president asked immigration officials about the legality of deporting Alec Baldwin, “that Amityville Whore, back to Ireland. F**k Alec Baldwin.” Overheard Trump telling Kellyanne Conway to clear time on his calendar to “give Rudy Giuliani the foot massage I promised him.”

JANUARY 27: Trump placed a call on his personal cell phone, presumably to his assistant. He wanted to confirm “Putin’s request for reservations and gift certificates to Comet Ping Pong pizza, whatever the hell that is.”

FEBRUARY 4: Trump asked one of my FBI operatives to investigate why Monster Cereals -- specifically Franken Berry and Boo-Berry -- are sold only once a year. He implied that the seasonal distribution was bad business and bore some connection to “sleazy Mexican cartels exploiting NAFTA.”

FEBRUARY 8: Aides reported that they caught Trump cutting eyeholes in White House pillowcases. He told them, allegedly, that he was making a special outfit for Jeff Sessions’ confirmation call. Apparently, they have planned a masquerade.

FEBRUARY 9: Trump asked scientists at Pentagon if there was an antidote for the “gay bomb” and if he could, as president, use their time-traveling DeLorean to stop Libyan terrorists.

FEBRUARY 13: Trump told everyone in the White House that he hates being president. For once, I agree. I hate him being president, too.

FEBRUARY 14: Heated argument transpires between president and first lady. Trump verbally abuses Melania, berating her for continuing to breastfeed Barron -- and her personal trainer and the landscaper and the chauffeur. Melania counters by accusing Russian prostitutes with bladder control issues of interfering with the marriage.

Trump takes me aside and explains the “curative power of urine” in an awkward moment. “I bathe in the urine of virgins, Jim, to keep up my stamina and youth. I first discovered this purity of essence while changing Ivanka’s diaper as she had an accident.”

I asked the president when this incident occurred, having no other coherent response. “Oh, a long time ago. I would say she was about 14, Jim,” he said.

FEBRUARY 27: Trump has spent a frantic week calling officials at the FDA and representatives from the beef lobby. I don’t understand the panic or the point, but he’s demanding that someone make borscht the national dish immediately. References an unrelated meeting with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov and Russian Envoy Sergey Kislyak, set for May.

MARCH 2: Trump storms into FBI headquarters unannounced. He orders me to procure the hospital records of Barron’s birth. “I went to the hospital, it was in Italy someplace, and it had burned down,” he told me. “But some monks knew about it and said that my child may have been switched at birth. I went to visit the mother’s grave -- the real birth mother, they said. It was a jackal’s corpse, Jim. A f***ing dog, Jim. I want answers.”

MARCH 15: Trump confessed that colleagues at the Kremlin tipped him off to a planned incursion into Georgia, slated for June. Said he agreed that an armed invasion would help restore peace in the region. The president cited ethnic unrest, racial tensions and a creeping ideology of liberalism in a normally conservative area. I informed Mr. Trump that he should be directing such conversations to the State Department. He scoffed, grabbed his personal cell phone and called Kasim Reed, the mayor of Atlanta. He recommended that Reed consider taking a long vacation out of the state before summer.

MARCH 17: Trump meets with the Prime Minister of Ireland. He is visibly angered that the pot of clovers gifted to him is considerably smaller than the one given to Obama. Trump begins referring to PM Kenny derisively, calling him “Edna.” Kenny retorts that Ireland provided a size of bouquet to match the hands of the president, in an effort to avoid embarrassment.

APRIL 6: Trump issued an internal memo on behalf of Steve Bannon ordering all government agencies to eliminate Mr. Clean from their custodial supplies. Said the bald “genie” on the bottle looks Islamic. “And he’s got an earring, so queer,” the note read.

APRIL 20: Trump sends portraits to various federal bureaus, including the FBI. He demands that they be hung on the lobby walls. He claims that he painted them himself. They are all poorly fashioned in a style similar to Pollock. Sickly yellow, copper and bluish blotches covering every inch of the canvas. He has signed them all “Pissasso.”

APRIL 27: After Trump implied that Frederick Douglass was still alive, he lavished similar present-tense accolades on Luciano Pavarotti, who died in 2007. Even more confusing, the commander-in-chief stunned Israel’s ambassador when he delivered a stern warning to Adolf Hitler, whose life ended 72 years ago. Trump also veered off script to distance himself from comparisons to Hitler. He told the Israeli delegation that Hitler was a terrible leader whose policies ran in contrast to his own: “Hitler was a socialist. He used the government to create jobs and allocated taxes to fund projects that should have been private, like freeways, food, schools, housing and even universal health care. I would never offer Americans a free house, education, meals or medical attention.”

MAY 1: Trump is overheard criticizing Press Secretary Sean Spicer for failing to maintain a positive image of the president in the media. Threatens Spicer’s job. Insists that Spicer is to blame for not landing Trump the lead role in the upcoming “Wonder Woman” movie. Also demands that Spicer stop appearing on “Saturday Night Live.” Spicer’s clarifications fall on deaf ears.

MAY 4: Trump phones late at night, around 4:30 a.m. Eastern. He sounds as though he’s been crying. Television noise blares in the background -- cable news shows, infomercials for hair restoration creams, an episode of “Hee Haw” and what sounds like a “Star Wars” film. He asks me if I know of any “Jar Jars” in Congress. I tell him I have no idea what he means. Trump begins shouting. Before the line disconnects, he mumbles something about “no Supreme Chancellor of the galaxy without Jar Jar’s vote.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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