Monday, July 29, 2013

Prince Harry Vows to Ensure Royal Nephew 'Has Fun,' Queen Orders Supervised Visits

Getty Images

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Monday, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge welcomed the newest member of the Royal Family into the world. William and Kate's son, christened George Alexander Louis -- Prince George of Cambridge, was born at the private Lindo Wing of St. Mary's Hospital in Paddington. At that time, Prince Harry was given permission by the Queen to "cuddle" the infant. But four days later, when Harry vowed to make sure his nephew "has fun" growing up, the 87-year-old monarch ordered Palace Guards to supervise all visits between Prince George and his wild uncle.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Queen Relieved as Royal Baby Ensures Another Generation of White Heirs to British Throne

Photo courtesy Lefteris Pitarakis/AP

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Straight out of the pages of a fairy tale, and painstakingly planned to be that way, Catherine "Kate" Middleton wed Prince William at Westminster Abbey on April 29, 2011. With William second in the line of succession to 16 sovereign states within the Commonwealth, the marriage was seen by the Royal Family as imperative to preserving the bloodline and The Crown. But the union, despite the flawless execution of the nuptials, was not without its internal controversies -- the foremost being the Queen's displeasure with William's choice of a commoner as a bride. On Tuesday morning, with the birth of a new prince, those concerns seemed almost ancient history. The 87-year-old monarch joined jubilant Britons in welcoming the youngest addition to the Royal Family and breathed a sigh of relief in knowing that at least one more generation of white heirs will ascend the throne.

Monday, July 22, 2013

George Zimmerman Rescues Family, Hires PR Firm to Reinvent Him as Superhero

Contributing Writer and Lead Reporter: Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- George Zimmerman, who has not been seen in public since his July 13 acquittal in the slaying of Trayvon Martin, emerged from the shadows last week to rescue a family trapped in their vehicle after it overturned on a Florida highway near his home. The Sanford police captain said one of the crash victims identified the former neighborhood watch volunteer and killer as the man who pulled him from the wreckage. The deputy responding to the accident reported that four passengers -- two parents and their children -- had been rescued by Zimmerman and another Good Samaritan by the time he arrived. Before leaving the scene, Zimmerman informed the deputy that he had noticed the suspicious vehicle and followed it: "It seemed out of place. It was a black or very dark brown, something like that -- not the kind of color we typically see around here." Zimmerman told reporters Monday that recent events have inspired him to become a real-life superhero.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Conservatives Seek Impeachment as Obama Compares Himself to Zimmerman's Attacker in Threatening Race Speech

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Conservative lawmakers in the House of Representatives announced plans to file articles of impeachment against President Obama no later than Monday following what they called a "loaded statement by the president" that implied "aggression toward Caucasians." President Obama made a surprise appearance in the White House briefing room Friday to address, on a more personal level, the verdict in the Trayvon Martin case. In his most extensive public discourse about race in five years, Obama declared that "Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago." The comment whipped conservatives into a furor of fear and panic. As legal experts pointed out, Zimmerman's not guilty verdict under Florida's Stand Your Ground legislation demonstrated that Martin was deemed the aggressor in the confrontation. By extension, Obama equating himself to the slain teen could be interpreted as an implicit threat, as it was by white attendees at the conference.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

NRA Says Jesus Would Have Lived if He'd Had a Gun

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It's been more than a year since the FBI reported no findings of evidence to substantiate racial bias in George Zimmerman's history or his shooting of a black Florida teen, Trayvon Martin. Yet Attorney General Eric Holder has tasked the Justice Department with trolling for email tips on the newly acquitted neighborhood watch volunteer from Sanford, Fla., as it considers a federal civil rights case against Zimmerman. Critics say Holder is bowing to pressure from Democratic lawmakers, civil rights leaders and organizations such as the NAACP. The National Rifle Association (NRA), which has spent large sums lobbying for lax gun controls and Stand Your Ground laws, blasted the Justice Department's efforts, stating that self-defense is a "fundamental human right," which ostensibly trumps the rights to life and liberty, as well as walking down the street with Skittles and iced tea. NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre went so far as to posit, "Jesus Christ would be alive today if he'd had a gun."

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Leaving Courthouse, Zimmerman Kills Four More Threatening People Under "Stand Your Ground"

SAN NARCISO, Calif.. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After 16 hours of deliberation, a Florida jury acquitted George Zimmerman of second-degree murder on Saturday, allowing him to walk free from criminal charges in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin. Critics, civil rights leaders and legal experts were stunned at the decision. Under Florida state law, a heavily armed citizen may slaughter another person he encounters on the street, so long as the shooter believes his life to be in peril. Zimmerman invoked this "Stand Your Ground" defense after he slayed the unarmed teenager, and the state saw fit to exonerate him. But on Sunday afternoon, Zimmerman made headlines once again by killing four more people in Sanford who frightened him half to death. Two of the individuals were reporters from Ebony magazine trying to get a statement. No other journalists were harmed. Again, police did not have enough evidence to make an arrest. Zimmerman's defense attorney, Mark O'Mara, stated that they would rely on Stand Your Ground and double jeopardy if the state opted to pursue the matter legally. "We shouldn't even see court time," O'Mara said. "If George were black, this would be a non-issue: the police wouldn't be bothering with us in the first place."

Friday, July 5, 2013

Tourists Mistake Gang War for Independence Day Celebration, No Injuries Reported

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Towns all across the United States lit up with fireworks displays Thursday to pay homage to the nation's birth on July 4, 1776, when the Declaration of Independence was signed. But whenever pyrotechnics are involved, accidents are never far behind. Injuries and property damage from poorly staged events regularly make the news each year. That's why the strangest Fourth of July story involves a group of foreign tourists who accidentally ended up in the middle of a gang war in Los Angeles, but found the standoff stimulating, historically educational and absent any injuries or chaos.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Obama Worries He May Have Terrorist Ties After Reviewing Own Phone Records and Emails

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the international manhunt for Edward Snowden intensifies, President Obama again tried to defend his war on whistle-blowers and the need for warrantless surveillance programs. Attorney General Holder called such actions "vital to the preservation of national security." The president even rationalized spying on the governments of European allies this Monday as a standard practice in the international intelligence community. But the NSA's data collection and monitoring efforts are neither biased nor prejudiced by religious and ethnic profiling, the president assured; every American is suspect, because any individual could be working with a terrorist cell. As if to illustrate the point Wednesday, the president fretfully admitted being suspicious about his own connections to the leaders of terrorist nations after reviewing transcripts of his private phone calls and emails, which were obtained by the Department of Justice (DOJ) on his orders.

Monday, July 1, 2013

The NSA Reports Record Number of Americans Supporting Same-Sex Marriage

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In the wake of two landmark Supreme Court decisions that arguably advanced the cause of gay rights in the United States, conservative factions wasted no time in retaliating. But according to data analyzed this weekend by the National Security Agency (NSA), a record-breaking majority of Americans expressed support for the rights of GLBT couples to wed.

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