Monday, July 1, 2013

The NSA Reports Record Number of Americans Supporting Same-Sex Marriage

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In the wake of two landmark Supreme Court decisions that arguably advanced the cause of gay rights in the United States, conservative factions wasted no time in retaliating. But according to data analyzed this weekend by the National Security Agency (NSA), a record-breaking majority of Americans expressed support for the rights of GLBT couples to wed.

The most significant aspect of the Supreme Court's actions last Wednesday involved striking down Section 3 of the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), which restricts the definition of wedlock as between a man and a woman for the purposes of receiving federal benefits.

Part of the high court's ruling also re-opened the door to same-sex marriage in California after Proposition 8 had seemingly slammed it shut in 2008. The legal team behind the ban filed an emergency motion on Saturday, imploring the Supreme Court to block the outbreak of weddings that began, in some cases, hours after the historic decision.

Representative Tim Huelskamp (R-Kan.) took a more aggressive approach by introducing a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage.

But for all the conservative bluster and posturing, including photos of Paul Ryan kissing a fish and Santorum all over a dog, an unprecedented number of Americans believe marriages between GLBT couples should be recognized by law.

One poll, conducted by Princeton Survey Research Associates, found that 55 percent of Americans support marriage equality.

The NSA, however, said its review of the phone calls, emails and social network postings of every American demonstrates substantially higher approval ratings -- up to 70 percent on average, with even Southern states above 50 percent.

"We've been listening to calls and reading emails since last week, and the level of support for marriage equality nationwide has been astounding," said one NSA analyst, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

"The Supreme Court's decision seems to have inspired hopes for other non-traditional unions, as well. For example, we overheard an overwhelming number of religious figures expressing their support for same-sex coupling, relaxing statutory restrictions on the age of consent, and extolling the virtues of NAMBLA. Several prominent GOP leaders also voiced their enthusiasm for these rights during private phone conversations."

Despite reporting results greater than those published in most polls, the NSA stands by the integrity of its data.

"In a typical poll, only a manageable number of people are surveyed, generally a little over a thousand," the NSA analyst, who requested his name be withheld in the interest of privacy, explained. "The NSA, on the other hand, collects data from over 316 million people each day."

2013. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.

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