Friday, September 26, 2014

Al-Assad Cheers U.S. Airstrikes for Helping Him Kill More Syrian Civilians

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Russian President Vladimir Putin, the ironic international interlocutor for territorial sovereignty, condemned U.S.-led airstrikes on Syria this week, excoriating the West’s aggressive actions as lacking “authority without buy-in from Syrian President Bashar al-Assad,” a point Moscow emphasized to the United Nations Secretary-General. Perhaps unbeknownst to Putin, his friend al-Assad, who has decimated thousands of his own people since the 2011 rebel uprisings in his country, is not only buying into the bombings, he’s giddily cheering on American military forces for their assistance in wiping out even larger numbers of the Syrian civilians he detests.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Talk Like a Pirate Day Stunt Draws SWAT Team When Enthusiasts Invade Krispy Kreme Dressed as Somali Raiders

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- September 19 celebrates the swashbuckling spirit of high-seas adventures each year as International Talk Like a Pirate Day. For millions of scoundrels and fo’c’sle swabs, that means donning eyepatches, 17th century frock coats, ornate tricorn hats, plastic hooks and cutlasses, and pledging allegiance to the skull and crossbones of a Jolly Roger. Several businesses partake of the festivities, too. This Friday, the popular doughnut chain Krispy Kreme is offering a free glazed treat to any landlubber willing to order in the parlance of Blackbeard or Long John Silver. For truly scurvy wenches, scallywags and blackguards who arrive adorned in full pirate garb, Krispy Kreme surrenders a bounty of a dozen doughnuts. However, panic erupted near San Narciso’s waterfront district this morning when hardcore enthusiasts raided the usually low-key bakery and coffeehouse dressed as armed Somali pirates.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

GOP Requests Drone Strikes to Suppress Scottish Rebels

GOP Lawmakers Worry Scottish Vote May Spark Renaissance of American Independence

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The GOP united Thursday in urging the White House to consider drone strikes against Scotland to suppress the Celtic rebellion brewing there. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) compared the threat of free Scots to the insidious origins of the Islamic State jihadist group ISIL (aka ISIS), which he and Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) unwittingly helped spawn. Graham now fears a closer menace as the Scottish Nationalist Party (SNP), a separatist faction of rebels in the United Kingdom, pushes for independence -- a move that could turn them against the American resources who once enlisted their aid to fight British aggressors. But his colleagues in Congress worry about a more insidious threat: that the Scottish vote to secede from foreign money, resources and power could spark a renaissance of American independence from similar controls -- such as the foreign financing and corporations that own much of the U.S. Congress.

Friday, September 12, 2014

State-Sponsored Jihadist Group ISIS Threatens US, GOP Demands Funding Domestic Terrorists Like KKK to Fight Them

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday afternoon, following a contentious televised altercation with a former Obama appointee, Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) ridiculed as insufficient the president’s plan to continue supporting the Free Syrian Army (FSA) -- a moderate terror group that, like the United States, opposes al Qaeda’s al-Nusra Front, the regime of Syria’s Bashar Assad and ISIS. McCain accused President Obama of rejecting recommendations from national security advisers to further arm and train the FSA. “The commander-in-chief needs to start behaving like one; he needs to get his head in the game,” McCain told reporters Friday. “This is foreign policy 101. You arm one terror group to eliminate another. And when those guys turn on you, you arm a new extremist sect to put down that rebellion.” Because ISIS is now threatening Western targets, McCain is seeking support for a bold move to arm American domestic terrorists such as the Ku Klux Klan, Symbionese Liberation Army and Aryan Nations to take up the fight.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

NRA Report: If Armed, Gun Instructor Could Have Stopped 9-Year-Old with Uzi From Killing Him

"Had the firing range instructor been armed, he could easily have put down the girl before she had the opportunity to harm him or others nearby." -- NRA VP Wayne LaPierre

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following nearly a week of exhaustive research into the accidental shooting death of an Arizona firing-range instructor by a nine-year-old girl armed with an Uzi, investigators with the public safety wing of the National Rifle Association (NRA) have reached a new conclusion on the cause of gun-related killings. “Guns don’t kill people,” NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre stated. “Not having guns kills people.” On Thursday, the NRA presented a detailed report about the incident, drawing the conclusion that the instructor could have prevented his demise if he had also been carrying a gun.

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