Friday, September 26, 2014

Al-Assad Cheers U.S. Airstrikes for Helping Him Kill More Syrian Civilians

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Russian President Vladimir Putin, the ironic international interlocutor for territorial sovereignty, condemned U.S.-led airstrikes on Syria this week, excoriating the West’s aggressive actions as lacking “authority without buy-in from Syrian President Bashar al-Assad,” a point Moscow emphasized to the United Nations Secretary-General. Perhaps unbeknownst to Putin, his friend al-Assad, who has decimated thousands of his own people since the 2011 rebel uprisings in his country, is not only buying into the bombings, he’s giddily cheering on American military forces for their assistance in wiping out even larger numbers of the Syrian civilians he detests.

“I have spent nearly three years mowing down innocent free-thinkers and democracy seekers in my nation, in addition to anyone else I dislike,” al-Assad, the ruthless and bloodthirsty dictator, said. “I didn’t think I’d have the resources to sustain this genocide. But now the United States, which I thought hated me, is lending a much needed helping hand. This will do wonders in repairing our strained relationship.”

Al-Assad added that he was sending President Obama a fruit basket and warm letter of thanks.

“Chemical weapons, tanks, rockets, mortars and snipers are too expensive to maintain,” a member of al-Assad’s cabinet explained. “We don’t have the economic or military might of the West. You can’t possibly imagine what a relief these airstrikes have provided to our exhausted and beleaguered loyalist butchers.”

In 2012, human rights organizations reported that over 7,000 Syrians had been slaughtered by al-Assad’s regime, with countless other thousands injured since the first stirrings of the rebellion. An additional 37,000 were reported to have been imprisoned and tortured. Flash forward to 2014. A Syrian defector produced evidence -- some 55,000 images -- documenting al-Assad’s massacre of 11,000 civilians. The informant also claimed that the torpid-ophthalmologist-turned-brutal-dictator has now jailed 150,000 innocents, whom he will likely torture or kill.

In March 2011, when al-Assad’s use of chemical weapons against civilians became incontrovertible, the White House threatened armed intervention. This week, President Obama acted on those threats, but primarily in response to the growing menace of ISIL, a homegrown rebel group originally opposed to al-Assad which has now become a terrorist organization committed to murdering Americans and their allies.

“Foreign policy in this region is a complicated beast,” explained Edward Kraftstofflieber, a senior analyst with the State Department. “We didn’t want to rush willy-nilly into some country and occupy it. In shaping this week’s decision, we utilized the old Cheney five-factor test, which has now been expanded to six factors since the whole ‘weapons of mass destruction’ debacle in Iraq.”

The original five-factor test judged the necessity for U.S. military action on the following grounds, as declassified in a recent report:

Is there oil? Is there a dictator? Is he one of ours and still active? Can the country defend itself? Will any of our “allies” have a problem with us attacking?

The newly amended criteria include a sixth factor, which was inserted as a follow-up to the fourth.

Does this country actually have WMDs (like, real ones), and are the victims sympathetic to Western audiences?

Regardless of America’s agenda or intent, al-Assad views the deadly airstrikes as a generous largess from his perceived opponents in the West. Not only are military forces poised to destroy ISIL strongholds -- U.S. state-sponsored terrorists and enemies of Syria’s ruler -- they are also likely to take out members of the al-Nusra Front and substantial portions of the Syrian population that al-Assad abhors.

In a press conference Friday, an emotional and overjoyed al-Assad praised the United States: “I am not as familiar with American customs as I should be, and I regret that I misinterpreted President Obama’s rhetoric over the past few years as overtures of aggression, hostility and rebuke. With America’s help in ridding me of Syria’s enemies and its many disloyal citizens, I am confident that we can forge a beautiful allegiance over the coming years as brothers-in-arms.”

To repay the kindness, al-Assad promised to send vast stores of anthrax to the United States, after learning that scientists at MIT had discovered a way to destroy cancer cells using the disease as a delivery system for antibodies.

“I prayed every night for all Americans to die horrific deaths from a sickness like cancer,” al-Assad regretfully admitted. “But now that we are friends, united in the eradication of the Syrian people, I hope my gift of anthrax will help correct that indiscretion.”

2014. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.

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