Monday, April 24, 2017

Millennials Defy ‘Lazy’ Stereotype, Mobilize to Save Filthy Park Where Most Lost Their Virginity


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Concealed by a canopy of massive eucalyptus trees that line Bennington Vale’s Andover tract is Donkey Dell Park -- a forgettable, squalid, dingy patch of grass that had its sod laid before construction of the first homes began in the late 1960s. While most residents in San Narciso visit the county’s sprawling recreational areas to swim, play tennis, exercise, ride horses or just enjoy a warm day in a beautiful setting, the teens of Bennington Vale seldom stray from Donkeydell Park. Despite its unfortunate name -- the origins of which have remained a source of dispute and mystery for decades -- Donkeydell endures as a nostalgic oasis for neighborhood millennials. The park happens to be the fetid, nasty place where most of them lost their virginity -- and where, according to their parents, they were also conceived. But government officials want to close it down. Local millennials refuse to let that happen without a fight.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Bill O’Reilly Ousted for Sexual Harassment, Trump Suggests Miki Agrawal as Replacement


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bill O’Reilly’s ouster from Fox News, amid revelations of a costly sexual harassment cover up, has also put President Trump in an awkward and embarrassing predicament. At the end of March, Trump declared April 2017 to be National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Some progressive opponents accepted the gesture, hoping for an earnest commitment from the White House, even if politically motivated. Others derided the president’s sentiments as ironic and brazen, citing examples of his misogynistic exploits, including a public defense of O’Reilly. When questioned about Trump’s support of O’Reilly, Press Secretary Sean Spicer reluctantly admitted that the president’s intent with National Sexual Assault Awareness Month was to honor the “perverts, rapists and sexual predators who represent the values of America’s great leadership, and who have fueled a thriving patriarchy that created the most powerful nation in the world.”

Monday, April 17, 2017

Pence Warns North Korea of Trump’s Military Resolve: “He Won’t Hesitate to Kill Us All”


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump frittered away Easter Sunday at the noticeably sparse Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn of the White House. During the celebration, the 139th of its kind, Trump belittled the audience, bullied adoring children, complained that the predominantly pubescent attendees (girls over the age of 13) offered little in the way of “Easter eye candy,” and disappointed revelers who discovered only pillow mints from Trump hotels inside their plastic eggs. Meanwhile, Vice President Mike Pence traveled to the Korean Peninsula to warn Kim Jong-un against testing Trump’s willingness to launch preemptive strikes in response to threats. “I urge North Korea not to question the strength of the Armed Forces of the United States in this region, nor our president’s itchy trigger finger,” Pence said. “He’ll do it. He’ll press the button. He’ll kill us all.”

Thursday, April 13, 2017

White House Says Trump Desperate to Start World War III Before Russia Investigation Ends


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just two days after firing a barrage of Tomahawk missiles at Syria, the United States dropped the GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast (MOAB), colloquially dubbed the “Mother of All Bombs,” on a cave complex controlled by Islamic State militants in Afghanistan. Intelligence sources also confirmed on Thursday that naval destroyers had positioned themselves about 300 miles from strategic targets in North Korea. When questioned about the increasingly aggressive military actions sanctioned by Trump this week, White House officials emphasized the “now unavoidable need to start World War III before this Russia investigation wraps up.”

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Spicer Fumbles Apology for Hitler Remarks by Defending Darth Vader and Lord Sauron


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer ignited a feverish backlash in the Jewish community on Tuesday when he invoked a defense of Hitler to suggest that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s atrocities surpassed those of the Nazis. Spicer’s ill-timed comments took place during Passover, the most celebrated Jewish holiday in the United States. Critics pointed out that these seemingly insensitive remarks were part of a larger anti-Semitic rhetoric used by members of the Trump administration. Late Tuesday evening, in a disastrous attempt to apologize and clarify his intentions, Spicer ended up defending Darth Vader and Lord Sauron. Civil rights groups across the country have since demanded Spicer’s resignation.

Monday, April 10, 2017

United Airlines Says Beaten Passenger Should Have Offered Pepsi to Cops


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Early Monday morning, a video emerged showing a passenger being violently ejected from a United Airlines flight headed for Louisville from Chicago. The 69-year-old doctor was forcibly dragged from the overbooked plane when he refused to “voluntarily” give up his seat to accommodate United employees who had arrived late. The extremity of the incident, captured in graphic images, has sparked a Congressional investigation into the air carrier’s compliance with oversales rules. To make matters worse, United’s PR department and CEO released vague and baffling explanations of the passenger’s bloody expulsion, defending the police and ground crew for their hyperbolic handling of the situation. Late Monday evening, facing criticism for its tone-deaf messaging, United provided another clarification, stating that the passenger could have diffused the fraught standoff by offering authorities a Pepsi.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Trump Weighs Response to Syria Gas Attack, Suggests Closing Off Country Behind Massive Wall


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, a chemical attack in Syria killed at least 86 civilians, including 30 children and 20 women, according to reports from the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights. The magnitude of the strikes, and the horrific loss of life, forced President Trump to acknowledge the gravity of the vicious genocide unfolding. In a rare departure from the counsel of his unofficial foreign policy adviser, Russian President Vladimir Putin, Trump told members of Congress and Jordan’s King Abdullah II that he may consider retaliatory action: cutting of all financial aid to Jordan, which is using the funds to harbor Syrian refugees, and walling off the country behind a massive fortification along its borders.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

7 Fascinating Facts About Neil Gorsuch, Who Can Allegedly Deadlift 700 Pounds


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The clock is ticking. As both parties in Congress brace for an historic clash over the confirmation of Judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court, the burning question for most Americans has become, “Who is Neil Gorsuch?” A leaked document that describes the judge’s wild accomplishments outside the courtroom, purported to have been commissioned by President Trump, may provide the answer -- along with tantalizing glimpses into the life of an enigmatic but almost superhuman individual, who can apparently deadlift 700 pounds and create the illusion of levitating objects with his mind.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Pence Orders Special Enclosures to Protect Him When Left Alone with Women


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Vice President Mike Pence was attended to by paramedics and briefly hospitalized this weekend, according to eyewitness reports. The incident occurred at a quiet D.C. bistro on Sunday afternoon. Pence arrived for lunch before his wife, and was seated alone by a female server. Without the spiritual protection of his spouse, Mr. Pence was overcome by the lewd aura of the waitress, which culminated in a severe panic attack. Because similar encounters are more likely to occur, given Pence’s expanded role in government, White House officials announced that they would be designing a protective, portable enclosure for the vice president, similar to the popemobile.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Guinness World Records Names Air Force One Most Expensive Golf Cart


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Until this year, high-end sports aficionados and leaders of the links prized the Garia Edition Soleil de Minuit as the most expensive golf cart to grace the greens. At a staggering $52,000, and manufactured in the same factory as Porsche and Aston Martin, the Soleil de Minuit was unsurpassed “in high end specifications, luxurious accessories, performance and therefore, price,” according to journalists at TheRichest. However as 2017 dawned, the so-called Carrera of the Course was dethroned by the Mansonry Prism Golf Cart, co-created by Garia, which sold for $69,000. On Wednesday, the Masonry Prism’s tenure turned out to be short-lived as Guinness named Air Force One the world’s most expensive golf cart.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Executive Order on Climate Change: Pipelines and Coal Could Create Tens of Jobs


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Final construction of the Keystone XL pipeline resumed in January following President Trump’s success in clearing away political obstacles such as Native Americans. The project promises to create 35 permanent positions. The president’s latest executive order seeks to capitalize on those impressive employment figures by rolling back climate change policies that have hobbled the fossil fuel and coal mining industries. Analysts say this effort could create tens of jobs, which Trump hailed as “explosive double-digital growth.”

Monday, March 27, 2017

Second White House Intrusion: Devin Nunes Sneaks Onto Grounds, Undetected for Hours


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just weeks after the Secret Service apprehended a schizophrenic man for illegally entering the White House grounds, another “bizarre” and “loopy” individual has come forward with an admission of bypassing security at the presidential estate. Authorities say this latest breach far exceeds the previous encounter because the suspect, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Devin Nunes, entered the Eisenhower Executive Office building, accessed privileged information and remained onsite for hours, without being detected. He is still free and at large.

Friday, March 24, 2017

HHS Appointee Fleming: Tattoos Appear Like Stigmata on Drug Users


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Prior to January 2017, John Fleming served as a representative for Louisiana’s 4th congressional district. More recently, he joined the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) as President’s Trump appointee for assistant secretary in charge of health technology. He answers to Secretary Tom Price. Fleming’s position garnered little, if any, media attention. But the public now wants to know how Fleming will help guide key health policies, given that Trump’s other cabinet picks have come under intense scrutiny. The answer may lie in Fleming’s 2006 book on adolescent addiction, which warns of the inextricable bond between counter-culture expressions -- including piercings, alternative music, modern fashion and tattoos -- and drugs, which appear like stigmata on those who sin against the white, 1950’s, American ideal that represents the Lord’s perfect realization of purity.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Health Care Overhaul Vote Delayed: Bill Lacks Hate and Discrimination Promised


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following a day of drama, marathon meetings, intense discussions and combative posturing, the vote to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA) has been postponed until Friday. House Republicans must persuade at least 21 members of their caucus to support the bill, under the presumption that no Democrats will endorse it. However, 26 conservatives confirmed that they will vote against the current version of the American Health Care Act (AHCA). Four other Republicans stated they would likely oppose it. Despite concessions, the bill, derisively dubbed Obamacare Lite, “doesn’t begin to discriminate or hate hard enough,” opponents explained. “We were sold Mengele; what we got stank of Mother Teresa.”

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Trump Budget Ends Fascist Marine Sanctuaries, Saves Oil Spilling and Trash Dumping Jobs


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In September 2014, former President Barack Obama again abused his executive privileges by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to shelter parts of the ocean from businesses, pushing the United States closer to economic ruin and communism. The misguided marine sanctuaries protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises -- powerful market sectors that must be revived to repair Obama’s depressed economy and restore employment to “billions of out-of-work Americans,” according to President Trump. His recently released budget plan aims to overcome these setbacks. Trump’s morally motivated cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and other environmental agencies, will seek to end the insidious “ecological fascism” that is eroding America’s greatness through the destruction of corporate fishing, oil spilling and trash dumping industries.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Dentist Says Trump Demanded Extraction of Monitoring Device in Tooth


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s insistence that allied powers are monitoring him surreptitiously has not relented. He has accused former President Obama and British spies of tapping his communications. In testimonies given Monday before the House Intelligence Committee, not a single U.S. investigative body found a shred of proof to validate the president’s explosive accusations. But in a stunning revelation Tuesday, a prominent D.C. dentist confessed that Trump scheduled an urgent appointment to have a “tracking device” extracted from his tooth. The president explained that he was a time traveler from the year 2055, who had been sent into the past to stop a virus that will wipe out most of humanity in 2017. Trump also clarified that Barack Obama and Theresa May -- or rather their direct, weirdly eponymous descendants -- lead the shadowy government cabal responsible for ordering his fourth-dimensional transit. They ostensibly surveil his activities through the dental implant.

Friday, March 17, 2017

A Trump Saint Patrick’s Day: Nigerian Poetry, Disabled Children and Lots of Orange


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump honored Saint Patrick’s Day in his accustomed idiom by citing a Nigerian poem as a proverb of the Emerald Isle during a meeting with Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny. The breakfast began, as The Washington Post explained, with a “cringe-worthy, mildly offensive Irish cliche in front of a room full of Irish people.” The event, hosted at the residence of Vice President Mike Pence, degenerated from there. Among the gaffes were Speaker Paul Ryan’s hoisting of a “despicable pint” of Guinness, which resembled a glass of fetid diarrhea, followed by outraged special needs advocates and lots of orange.

Police Dispatched to Inappropriate St. Patrick’s Day Children’s Pageant


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- San Narciso County loves a parade. Unfortunately, these affairs often end in panic, arson, animal cruelty, religious offense, accusations of racism and bloodshed. We painfully recall the rash of self-inflicted gunshot wounds and hangings that accompanied the botched Valentine’s Day “Misery Loves Company” event. Then there came the urgent demand to cancel a mime troupe from performing at the 2016 Christmas Parade, given the lawful right of residents to carry weapons in public -- a mandate that arrived tragically late. Of course, few of us will ever forget Mayor Manny DiPresso’s heart-wrenching, Hindenburg-esque speech during the parade’s terrifying conclusion: “My dreams will forever be haunted by the sound of children screaming, dogs heaving and the eerie, guttural retching of the mule before it vomited out one of its internal organs.” It should then come as no surprise that parents summoned police to Friday’s pageant at Our Lady of Perpetual Whapping, called “St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland’s Trousers.”

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Trump Budget Slashes Tires of Meals on Wheels, Solves ACA Death Panel Failure


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump’s proposed budget, “America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again,” may seem austere and disproportionately attuned to the needs of the military industrial complex, but the White House views its hardline approach as a “compassionate” and deeply patriotic plan, even though it eliminates funding for the arts, sciences, environment, education, healthcare and geriatric support programs such as Meals on Wheels. Trump’s cabinet assured the public that the new blueprint will restore America to the days of its past grandeur: a time of epic wars with foreign powers, a thriving economy based on defense spending and more reasonable limits on the lifespans of persistently lingering seniors who are depriving the nation’s underemployed Millennials of greater opportunities.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

No Beauty in Disney’s Gay Beast: Family Values Group to Release 'Godly' Remake


EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It’s not often that a Walt Disney picture courts controversy, but the once beloved hallmark of family entertainment deserves the backlash it has invited for the upcoming “Beauty and the Beast” live-action film. The crux of the outrage stems from Disney’s flagrant promotion of an “exclusively gay moment.” Yes, a production house that formerly pushed family values is now threatening to destroy them. For what? A quick, tainted buck? As a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically and religiously conservative Republican community leader, I say we must act. It’s not enough that responsible theater owners, such as those in Alabama, are refusing to screen the thinly disguised pornography. The American Family Association (AFA), champions of virtue, are funding a wholesome remake that depicts the damnation, gruesome retribution and fiery terror that await same-sex sinners.

Monday, March 13, 2017

WikiLeaks Dump Is Cover-up for CIA Surveillance Using Microwave Ovens


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, WikiLeaks released a trove of documents, numbering in the thousands, that exposed a catalog of the CIA’s cyberspying capabilities. Intelligence officers scrambled to evaluate and suppress the damage during the chaotic aftermath. Investigators attributed the breach to a group of inside agents and contractors, but initially ruled out the involvement of a hostile foreign power. Among the disclosures was evidence that the CIA had developed hacking tools that could infiltrate any Internet-connected product, including Apple and Android devices. However, with Kellyanne Conway’s explosive admission that the Obama administration’s surveillance of Trump was orchestrated using innocuous household appliances, officials now suspect that the WikiLeaks revelations were spurious diversions to distract Americans from the real threat: microwave ovens.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Trump Honors International Women’s Day with Jobs for Chinese Escorts


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bill Clinton was once referred to as America’s “first black president” by Nobel prize-winning author Toni Morrison and Sen. Bernie Sanders. Barack Obama, according to respected Republican pundits, was the nation’s second black president and the first foreign-born Islamic jihadist to occupy the White House. Our latest commander-in-chief has demonstrated a lifetime of profound respect and passion for women. It would be insulting not to brand Trump the country’s “first female president.” And this International Women’s Day, his global ambitions were realized as China approved 38 Trump business trademarks, including one for escort services. “With this terrific deal, we can help get Chinese women out of the sweatshops and into the glamorous, lucrative field of prostitution,” the president said, wiping a proud tear from his eye.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Carson Cites Slaves and Trump’s Grandfather as Deportation Success Stories


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, Ben Carson made his official debut as the head of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) by extolling the virtues of immigration as reflective of the American dream and the nation’s core values. The address was ironic. Carson made his statements on the same day that President Trump issued another executive order to reinstate the controversial travel ban. He also drew fire for comparing slaves to pilgrims in search of a better life abroad. Carson’s remarks seemed at odds with the president’s insistence on pressing for extreme vetting and mass deportations. Liberal media also seized the opportunity to publish a letter written by Trump’s grandfather, Friedrich, in which he implored Prince-Regent Luitpold of Bavaria not to deny his citizenship. But in a surprising statement on Tuesday, Trump used both examples to illustrate the benefits of deportation.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Wiretap Exposes Trump Ties to Russia: Victim of Nigerian-style Email Scam


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Twittersphere erupted in a calamitous fusillade of angry posts on Saturday by President Donald Trump, who accused former President Barack Obama of ordering a Nixon-era wiretap on the Trump Tower offices in October. Legal experts pointed out several problems with the chief executive’s understanding of wiretapping protocols. Only a federal judge can authorize such an action, and only when a preponderance of evidence suggests criminal wrongdoing or treason -- in this case, the supposed collusion between Trump team members and operatives in Moscow. However, in a stunning revelation on Monday, undisclosed sources from the National Security Agency (NSA) verified a connection but cautioned that Trump and his colleagues may be innocent of treason. The current opinion is that the real estate magnate, in a desperate ploy to save his dwindling fortune, fell victim to a Nigerian email-type scam that originated in Russia.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Attorney General Sessions Most Qualified to Lead Russia Inquiry of Sen. Sessions


EDITORIAL: REFUSE TO RECUSE -- Yet to complete a full month in his new role, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has found himself embroiled in controversy for failing to disclose at his confirmation hearing two conversations in 2016 with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. On Thursday, amid a flurry of outrage from partisan Democrats, who called for his resignation, some timid Republicans caved to political pressure and suggested that Sessions recuse himself from the investigation into alleged ties between the Kremlin and the White House. The attacks against one of America’s most lauded legislators stinks of the same “much ado about nothing” indignation that arose from an innocent photo of Kellyanne Conway attempting to locate Frederick Douglass during an Oval Office meeting with black higher education leaders. There are countless inconsistencies that lawmakers are ignoring. In fact, Attorney General Sessions is the most qualified person to oversee inquiries into the actions of Senator Sessions. He alone has critical information that remains hidden from others.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Trump Hails Renewed NASA Space Program as Final Frontier in Deportation


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since Trump’s inauguration, his cabinet and the heads of federal agencies have endured a fraught, heated battle of wills. In some instances, the president pledged to dismantle regulatory bodies such as the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). For other overly bureaucratic and onerous offices, like the Department of Energy (DOE), Trump appointed leaders who were willing to sabotage the existing infrastructures and undo decades of unnecessary projects that attack faith-based initiatives. Now there remains the complex matter of what to do with NASA. The agency became one of Trump’s first targets, when he threatened to cut all funding for climate science. On Tuesday, however, the president surprised Congress by calling for a renewal of the space program, which he believes will prove instrumental in his massive deportation efforts.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Trump Wants Transgender People Deported to Transylvania “Where They Came From”


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) last Friday, Donald Trump disclosed his intentions for an unprecedented buildup of the U.S. military, which drew rounds of applause from supporters. On Monday, the president confirmed his request for a nine-percent budget increase to accomplish the massive rearmament, with equivalent cuts to existing social programs to offset the spike. Analysts estimate the costs at $54 billion. Trump also renewed his pledge to enhance immigration crackdowns and roll back rights for the LGBTQ community. But in a surreal conflation of the two issues, Trump implied that his wildly unfettered deportation policies would now include transgender people, who should be “sent back to Transylvania” where he apparently believes they came from.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Trump Teases Massive Military Rearmament at CPAC, Full Speech Leaked


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This week’s gathering of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), the platform that helped launch Trump’s rise to the presidency and gave voice to his “America’s first” agenda, was a rousing and revealing affair. On Thursday, acting President Steve Bannon agreed to a rare interview with Matt Schlapp, head of the American Conservative Union. Bannon rarely addresses the press or makes public appearances, due in large part to his one-hour window of sobriety each day. On Friday, Co-President Trump energized the crowd with a firm pledge to lead a new era of rearmament in America. His fiery promises to close the borders and shore up the nation’s military drew rounds of applause. Trump will outline larger plans before Congress on Tuesday. The Evening Transcript has secured a leaked draft of that speech, penned by Bannon.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

NASA Exoplanet Discovery: Trump Plans Space Wall to Stop Undocumented Aliens


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 20, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) teased an intriguing discovery. The announcement alluded to the possibility that scientists had identified life-sustainable planets beyond our solar system. Astronomers applauded the news, but terrified Trump officials described the discovery as an immigration powder keg, on a galactic scale. The president warned of an imminent “end-time event,” as billions of undocumented aliens and terrorists would invade the United States. He lashed out at the Obama administration for rejecting the public’s call to construct a Death Star, and vowed to build “some kind of killer space fortress” to protect American interests.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Psychologist Clarifies Trump’s High IQ Claim: “He’s Reading It Like a Golf Score”


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If there are two qualities about Donald Trump that stand out, they are his penchant for braggadocio and his love of golf. Despite statements to the contrary, Trump frequently assures the American people and his nemeses in the press that he is an intelligent overachiever, with an exemplary academic record and IQ score to back up the claim. However, doubts abound. The universities Trump attended show no honors, meritorious distinctions or noteworthy grades. On Tuesday, a psychologist from San Narciso College emerged to clarify the discrepancy. “I looked at the president’s latest IQ test and discovered that he’s interpreting it the same way he would a golf score -- from an amazing round of golf. I mean, like, record-breaking.”

Monday, February 20, 2017

Sweden's Last Night: How a Country Perished in Secret


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Late Friday evening, Sweden, the Scandinavian jewel of economic strength and social prosperity, crumbled under a devastating wave of terror attacks. Although intelligence agencies, dishonest media and Sweden’s former leaders attempted to cover up the demise of the country, U.S. President Donald Trump broke the news on Saturday at a campaign-style rally in Florida. Among the dead were a renowned chef, award-winning auto manufacturers and entertainers from the thriving porn industry. Despite the world’s efforts to downplay or even deny the destruction, Trump remained steadfast in promoting the truth. The massive subterfuge was so well orchestrated that most surviving Swedes appeared baffled that anything had happened. But the evidence is overwhelming, and the fallout could affect America’s economy, particularly as powerful retailers like IKEA shift business models to address the crisis.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Puzder Withdraws from Labor, Carl’s Jr. Scraps Ivanka Trump Glamor Meal


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s angst-ridden, improvised and largely incoherent press conference Thursday underscored the frazzled state of his administration. The president has lost substantial ground on key issues and cabinet appointments. Courts have refused to reinstate the contentious Muslim travel ban, stores everywhere are ditching Trump brands, Michael Flynn tendered his resignation and Andrew Puzder, Trump’s pick for labor secretary, withdrew as a nominee. Puzder was formerly chief executive of CKE Enterprises, which owns fast food mainstays Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. However, his departure has unintentionally delivered another devastating blow. Without Puzder in office to oversee the massive workforce reforms promised to restaurant industry leaders, CKE announced that it would no longer be pursuing the Ivanka Trump Glamor Meal -- a desperate, last-ditch attempt to save the First Daughter’s failing fashion line.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Trump Cabinet Officials Offer Valentine’s Day Advice to Couples


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump and his tenuous cabinet picks have felt anything but love during their few short weeks in office. Four days ago, passionate demonstrators assembled to protest the nomination of Betsy DeVos as education secretary. Screaming “shame!” in a moment worthy of “Game of Thrones,” the throng blocked DeVos from entering a public school -- which would have marked the first time she attempted to set foot in one. The president faced extreme backlash from California locals for refusing to acknowledge the state’s request for emergency aid as the Oroville Dam threatened to burst. And last night, controversial National Security Adviser Michael Flynn resigned over revelations that he discussed sanctions with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak weeks prior to the inauguration, a violation of the Logan Act, and then misled U.S. officials about the conversations. But the administration desperately wants to earn back the public’s affections. So several cabinet members offered to share their Valentine’s Day advice with America.

Valentine’s Day Events for Despairing Singles: Misery Loves Company


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For that odd one percent of the Bennington Vale’s unwed yet heterosexual population, leading to a pensive evening of frozen dinners, cheap wine and a literary journey from “50 Shades” to Sylvia Plath. But don’t blame a dead saint. Esther Howland is your culprit. You see, back in 1847, this woman took what most considered to be another minor day of veneration and began mass producing embossed paper-lace hearts, the kind she’d seen in Europe, using the resources of her father’s book and stationery store in Worcester, Mass. The rest, they say, is history. A troubled, bleak, emotionally turbulent history of crushed spirits to honor a business bonanza that savages the hearts of the lovelorn. Fortunately, we at The Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in the hole where your heart should have been. It’s better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Trump Ignores Oroville Dam Crisis: Need Walls to Stop Flood of Immigrants, Not Actual Floods


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Nearly 20,000 people have been evacuated since Sunday, when California’s Oroville Dam reached capacity and threatened catastrophic flooding. The spillway, which acts to prevent overflows by diverting excess water, was reported to be on the cusp of collapse. On February 10, sensing the imminent danger to property and life, Governor Jerry Brown appealed directly to the White House for issuance of a Presidential Major Disaster Declaration. However, the president did not respond for three days. But late Monday evening, Trump finally contacted Brown to say that building a wall to stop the flood of Mexican terrorists is more important than fixing a dam to stop an actual flood in a “terrible, terrible place like California."

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Trump Threatens to Call in Feds After Nordstrom Attacks Ivanka


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 2, Nordstrom announced that it would stop carrying merchandise produced under Ivanka Trump’s label because of poor performance and declining sales. Just days later, the president fired back at the luxury retailer for dropping his daughter’s brand. The bizarre reaction drew fire from critics who accused Trump of violating ethics rules, using his office to settle business disputes and for abandoning an intelligence briefing to chastise the prominent department store. However, as Sean Spicer told the press, Nordstrom’s decision was a personal attack on the president -- a felony crime that warranted an immediate response. Since then, millions of Americans have rallied behind the treasonous company, forcing Trump to issue a warning on Thursday that he may “call in the Feds.”

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Success of Rule 19 Against Warren Inspires Trump’s Bizarre Order 66


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday evening, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell invoked an arcane parliamentary procedure, Rule 19, to silence Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) from protesting Jeff Sessions’ imminent confirmation as U.S. Attorney General. Warren, a known rabble-rouser in Congress, agitated Sen. Steve Daines (R-Mont.) thirty minutes before, while he was presiding over the Senate, for which she received a stern warning about impugning a colleague. Warren did not attack Sessions’ reputation directly; she instead read from an impassioned 1986 letter, written by Coretta Scott King to the Judiciary Committee, calling on members to oppose Sessions as a federal judge. The success of Rule 19, now referred to by the Trump administration as the “putting uppity harpies back in their place” maneuver, has inspired the president to ask acting Co-President Bannon when he can execute Order 66.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos Unveils Common NeuroCore Standards


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence made history by casting the tie-breaking vote that would confirm Betsy DeVos as the nation’s education secretary. Those in Congress who opposed DeVos’ nomination cited her lack of experience in the educational sector, exclusive private schooling and absence of a degree in an academic field. DeVos argued that the American education system is broken and needs rebuilding. “I don’t have any qualifications or relevant degrees or knowledge of public schools or any meaningful experience whatsoever,” she said. “And you put me in charge. That shows how intellectually compromised we are as a nation. The only answer is to destroy the system and await the glorious rapture of a new, blessed kingdom of alternative learning.” DeVos has already proposed radical reforms, including the introduction of a virtual cognitive enhancement process called Common Neurocore, loosely based on Britain’s Ludovico Technique, which “retrains the brain.”

Monday, February 6, 2017

Trump Says Media Covers Up Terror Attacks, Cites Shark Infested Tornadoes


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Addressing the U.S. Central Command on Monday, President Trump veered from his prepared remarks to inform the nation’s military leaders of a shocking secret: the media is purposefully burying reports of terrorist attacks. He cited recently revealed cover-ups such as Obama’s ban on Iraqi refugees and the horrendous slaughter of millions, also unreported by the mainstream press, during the Bowling Green Massacre. Trump, an avid television junkie, voraciously consumes hours of TV news, SNL and other programs that may portray him an unfavorable light. However, Press Secretary Sean Spicer disclosed that during an accidental channel change to Syfy, the president stumbled on perhaps the biggest security threat to the United States: an armada of kamikaze sharks that descend from tornadoes and embark on murderous sprees that leave behind more carnage than three September 11s. “It’s already happened four times,” Trump announced, “and it’s going to happen again. Where is the media?”

Friday, February 3, 2017

GOP Repeals Law Denying the Mentally Ill Guns So Trump Can Bear Arms


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The House on Thursday struck down a law that blocks the mentally ill and some recipients of disability benefits from purchasing weapons. The National Rifle Association (NRA) has long opposed this rule, claiming it strips people of their Second Amendment rights. As The Hill reported, the House of Representatives voted 235-180 “to roll back a rule that required the Social Security Administration to report people who receive disability benefits and have a mental health condition to the FBI’s background check system.” Although critics condemned the measure as pandering and dangerous, the GOP hailed the move as a victory in bolstering President Trump’s security. As a mentally dysfunctional and unhinged lunatic, Trump may now legally purchase firearms to defend himself in case of attack.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Mexico Tightens Border to U.S. Refugees Fleeing Trump After Iran Confrontation


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to acting Co-President Steve Bannon, the future glory of the United States will emerge from the putrid fog of war - in fact, many wars. The Guardian quotes Bannon as predicting armed conflicts over the disputed South China Seas territory within 10 years, while another inevitable battle will erupt in the Middle East during the same time. On Wednesday, the administration’s bloodlust flared again when the president warned Mexico of possible troop deployments to eliminate “bad hombres.” This was accompanied by Trump’s frightening display of saber-rattling against Iran over a missile test. Millions of American refugees, now terrified by the prospect of global war, rushed to the border this week to seek asylum in Mexico. But to prevent known foreign extremists, rapists and job-stealers from entering the country, the Mexican government has imposed crossing fees and extreme vetting processes for U.S. immigrants.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Trump’s Botched “Some of My Best Friends Are Black” History Breakfast


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump hosted a breakfast event on Wednesday to commemorate the start of Black History Month. The tense and awkward affair demonstrated yet another departure from the previous administration, illustrating just how white the current White House has become. Trump often found himself confused about the facts surrounding key African American icons. At one point, the president mistook fictional “Star Trek” Communications Officer Nyota Uhura for the “first black female astronaut,” then further confounded attendees when he conflated the character with Rosa Parks, demanding to know why the captain made her “sit in the back of the bridge.”

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Trump Includes Radical White Trump Supporters in Travel Ban


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The peace of a sleepy winter Sunday in Quebec was jarred by gunfire when Alexandre Bissonnette, 27, walked into a mosque and unleashed a hail of bullets. Six people were killed and eight injured. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau branded the tragedy an act of terrorism. As the New York Times reported, “The shooting was the first time anyone had been killed in a mosque in Canada in such circumstances and was, at least in recent times, a rare event outside the Muslim world.” Bissonnette, according to former classmates, was a far-right, anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant and anti-feminist white supremacist who was enthralled with U.S. President Donald Trump. In honoring his commitment to protect Americans from terrorists, Trump expanded his travel ban on Tuesday to include all white, radical, foreign Trump supporters until “we figure out what the hell is going on.”

Monday, January 30, 2017

Trump’s Two-for-One Points System: Atkins Diet for Regulatory Fat


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If offered a two-for-one deal at Trump Tower Grille, most reasonable people would pass on the prospect of receiving another gristly pool of amorphous, moldering gravy drowning an unknown substance resembling a human thumb. But if the deal involved taking away two Trump Grille menu items and reducing the punishment to only one entree, the disgust factor would be lessened. This is Trump’s logic in passing a new two-for-one points system -- a sort of Weight Watchers approach to cutting the nation’s regulatory fat, but with the sickly long-term damage of the Atkins Diet.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Trump More Subdued in News Conference: Covers Soft Topics Like Torture, War with China


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump struck a more cordial and subdued tone during his first official White House press conference this Friday. The meeting was a noticeable departure from the fraught and antagonistic inaugural briefing that took place on January 12. As CNN discovered, the new president is obsessed with his image, and watches countless hours of cable news to gauge unfavorable media reactions to his demeanor. But Trump approached the latest gathering in a less confrontational and more agreeable manner. Rather than arguing the merits of a taxpayer-subsidized wall along the Mexico border, repealing civil rights and expanding his hotel empire, Trump chose warmer topics that resonated with his base: torture, banning immigration and the mass exodus of communists for the Chinese New Year.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Trump Signs Environment Friendly Energy Policy: Whaling as Renewable Fuel


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump campaigned on many controversial commitments, which he seems intent on fulfilling through a sweeping series of executive orders. During his first week in office, Trump has penned actions to loosen Affordable Care Act provisions, create a Muslim registry, authorize construction of a wall along the Mexico border, declare martial law on Chicago and eliminate “sanctuary cities,” the latter of which elicited a bizarre response from the president: “I’ve seen ‘Logan’s Run’ on TV a million times; I love the idea of Carousel, maybe adding Muslims to the list, but sanctuary is a terrible lie. Why force taxpayers to fund a myth? You know, that D.C. hasn’t crumbled into ruins?” While some orders seem dubious to enforce, Trump’s gutting of environmental protections could come to fruition. Unlike the repeal of Obamacare, the president did offer a replacement -- a “climate-friendly energy plan” that he said would create jobs, restore a dying industry and provide low income families with affordable fuel: clean burning whale oil.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Trump FCC Chair to Kill Net Neutrality, Ending Fake News and Economic Carnage


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump has become the accepted master of social media. In fact, he has made the bold and unprecedented decision to serve as his own press corps, transferring the outdated platform to Twitter. The job of White House correspondents is to report on the president’s decisions and activities. Trump astutely recognizes that no individual is better equipped to perform that task than the commander-in-chief himself. However, he also understands firsthand the dangers that a free and open Internet have unleashed in this time of American carnage. “The real peril is uncensored access to vast amounts of information and facts, which are killing the economy and thwarting governmental efforts to keep people on the right path,” Kellyanne Conway said. She called Trump’s appointment of Ajit Pai as FCC chairman an essential step toward progress. Pai has already vowed to take a “weed whacker” to the electric communism of net neutrality, ending the free flow of fake news that is destroying the nation and undermining the alternative facts Americans need.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Melania Trump Redecorates White House with Startling Renovations

melania trump redecorates white house

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This week marks a transformative shift as President Donald Trump prepares the White House for his occupation. It is customary for new residents to redecorate the living quarters and other domestic areas of the property. Some rooms remain off-limits, but the new president may generally change the top two floors of the 132-room estate. As Marie Claire notes, “Usually, the First Lady has taken the lead on redecorating the family living spaces, so if the Trumps follow tradition, Melania’s taste will dictate what the top two floors of the White House look like for the next four years.” Judging by the radical renovations Melania had installed on Friday, the nation has a clear picture of the direction in which Trump plans to lead America.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Trump Admits Taxes Will Fund Border Wall, Hires Mexican Day Laborers to Cut Costs


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After Donald Trump admitted that American taxpayers, not the Mexican government, may be responsible for the costs of erecting a wall along the U.S.-Mexico border, government officials noticed members of the president-elect’s transition team hiring day laborers from hardware store parking lots for a “massive construction project.”

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Paul Ryan Gives Up Taxpayer Funded Benefits to Support Obamacare Repeal


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Thursday, the Republican-controlled Senate took a major step toward eviscerating the Affordable Care Act (ACA), also known as Obamacare. In a 51 to 48 vote, senators approved a proposal that would empower them to gut key provisions of the health care act without facing a filibuster by opposing Democrats. The following Tuesday, however, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office (CBO) published research that depicted significant impacts from a repeal. Their top concerns involved vast numbers of uninsured Americans and skyrocketing premiums, which would effectively put medical care beyond the reach of millions. The charge is being led by House Speaker Paul Ryan, who has been trying to gut the wasteful federal government for years, seeking instead a greater reliance on privatization. To show the inherent dangers of providing citizens with access to health care, Ryan boldly renounced all of the socialist, Hitler-esque, taxpayer funded benefits he receives as a member of Congress.
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