Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Trump Now Says Andrew Jackson Could Have Prevented the Civil War, Pearl Harbor and 9/11


Additional reporting by Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump waxed philosophical about Andrew Jackson and the Civil War during a critically panned interview broadcast Monday on satellite radio. Among his rambling and often non-sequitur musings, Trump clung to his accusations of being wiretapped by the Obama administration, questioned why Americans sat idly while the Civil War erupted, and sympathized with Andrew Jackson’s outrage over the divisive conflict, even though the seventh president died 16 year prior. On Tuesday, Trump tried to defend his odd remarks in a fresh tweet, but double-downed on his claims that Jackson had some mysterious insight to the battle yet-to-come. This afternoon, Mr. Trump again sought to clarify his stance on Old Hickory, revealing that Jackson could have stopped the Civil War, the assassination of James Garfield, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, September 11 and Canada’s hostile annexation of Burger King.

Andrew Jackson and the Civil War: Alternative Facts Edition

“People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why?” Trump told Salena Zito, a host on SiriusXM’s P.O.T.U.S channel, who interviewed the 45th president for an article in The Washington Examiner. “People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?”

Historians shuddered at Trump questioning the necessity of the Civil War and his implication that most Americans have remained as confused by the catalysts of the bloody event as their new president. As the New York Times pointed out, it was Mr. Trump’s depiction of Andrew Jackson possessing foreknowledge of the Civil War that prompted jeers, humiliation and outrage.

“I mean had Andrew Jackson been a little later you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart. He was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War, he said, ‘There’s no reason for this. ’”

Jackson died in 1845. The Civil War broke out in 1861.

Rather than admit the historical inaccuracy, Trump dug in his heels and persisted in touting the post-mortem accomplishments of Jackson, the unrepentant and ill-tempered slave owner president he most admires. On Wednesday, he spoke to the Evening Transcript’s Michael Livingston by phone, offering a host of alternative facts that other fake media have chosen to ignore in regard to the life, death and ongoing times of Old Hickory.

Trump Reveals Secret History of Andrew Jackson

LIVINGSTON: Thank you for taking the time to clear up the confusion caused by Salena Zito and The Washington Examiner.

TRUMP: It’s great to speak with you again, Mark.

LIVINGSTON: It’s Michael, sir.

TRUMP: That’s right, Mark. Saleeeena Zitto. She’s a Mexican. Probably an immigrant. English is not her native language. She didn’t understand what I was trying to say. Sad. I feel sorry for her. She probably spent her youth running drugs over the border -- stuffed in little balloons she had to swallow -- otherwise she’d show up at school with bruises and black eyes from running into a “door named Dad.” No proper education. Just drugs and beatings and rapings and skinning cats for leather to make clothes. I’m surprised the Washington Examiner hired her. Great paper. Amazing reporting. It was founded by Sun Myung Moon and his Unification Church. Wonderful people, the Moonies. They understood that North Korea was Satan and that’s why the peninsula was divided by God. They blindly follow a natural leader without question. A man with a lot of wisdom. Lots of stamina. Lots of charisma. They supported Richard Nixon when treasonous Americans turned their backs on their commander. Sad.

LIVINGSTON: I believe you’re confusing Washington Examiner with Washington Times.

TRUMP: You know, Mark, and most people don’t realize, I think the real question about the Civil War is “Why aren’t Lincoln jokes funny, when James Garfield ones are real knee slappers?” I mean each morning when Eric is eating his Frosted Flakes and reading the newspaper, he’s always laughing at a Garfield joke. Who knew the president liked lasagna -- and hated Mondays?

I have a lot of respect for Abraham Lincoln, too. Lots of respect. I’m a lot like him. I can’t reveal all the details, but I can say that my security team has given me a secret journal that belonged to Abraham Lincoln. It’s classified. Very secret. I can’t tell you everything that’s in there. Top secret stuff, Mark. Some of it very frightening. But I can tell you that before winning the war on blacks [sic], Lincoln was saving this nation by killing vampires.

LIVINGSTON: In your interview with Ms. Zito, you did imply that Andrew Jackson could have prevented the Civil War -- and that he somehow saw it coming and was angered by it. Unfortunately, the timeline of his death and the stirrings of the Civil War don’t coincide. Could you help clear up that confusion?

TRUMP: Andrew Jackson was very mean, but he was kind. They killed his wife. A one-armed man did. He framed Jackson. And Jackson spent the last years of his life as a fugitive, hiding out until he could prove his innocence, pretending to be a doctor. Then he saw what was happening in regard to the Civil War and he was angry. And he said, “Not on my watch,” but America let it happen anyway.

LIVINGSTON: Uh, that is fascinating about Jackson’s time on the lam. I wasn’t aware of that. But about the Civil War, Jackson was dead long before he could have offered any opinion or commentary on the situation.

TRUMP: I hope when I die, which is never going to happen, I get something better than a penny on my eyes. Lincoln is on the penny, and that’s a great thing. Great man. Tremendous achievements. Why the penny? Jackson was on the twenty. Lincoln should have been on the fifty. He was better than Jackson. I love Andrew Jackson, don’t get me wrong. He’s a great friend. Terrific mentor and friend. But he had shipped over 200 or so immigrants from Africa. Those immigrants, you know, are the whole reason the Civil War broke out. And that I disagree with. I have told Andrew that several times.

People like us shouldn’t be disgraced with loose change when we die. I deserve a diamond coin. Everyone is going to have diamonds falling out of their eyeballs or wherever - you’ll see. Instead of penny loafers, people will have diamonds on the soles of their shoes like that Neal Simon song.

LIVINGSTON: So, and I’m trying to get this correct, Mr. President, you are saying that you still speak with Andrew Jackson? The seventh president of the United States, who passed away in 1845?

TRUMP: He died in 1845, but he exists throughout time. I watched an incredible documentary on BBC. The show chronicles the life of a man who looks a lot like Jackson. He’s got the crazy mane of gray hair and he wears 19th century apparel, or clothes that resemble the style. And you know, here’s the thing. He’s a time traveler. He gets into this blue police call box, and bam! He’s fighting dinosaurs, he’s in the future killing illegal aliens, he’s in the Civil War, he’s everywhere in time and space. He’s using a Scottish accent to hide his identity. Andrew Jackson was the first president to survive an assassination attempt. He’s got to be careful. But he’s still pretending to be a doctor. Weird.

LIVINGSTON: You’’re telling me you think the fictional character on Doctor Who, this latest version, is Andrew Jackson?

TRUMP: Jackson could have stopped so many tragedies like 9/11, Trudeau stealing our beloved Burger King, the iPhone 8, Nordstrom, laws about the age of consent and statutory rape, you name it.

LIVINGSTON: I’d like to switch topics, if I may. In your interview earlier this week, you maintained your insistence that President Obama wiretapped Trump Tower during the campaign. Intelligence agencies have universally disproven this. What information do you have to support those allegations?

TRUMP: It’s very simple, Mark: Andrew Jackson, who could have prevented the Civil War and the Japanese attacks on Pearl Harbor, told me that Obama wiretapped my office. Jackson also said he regretted his involvement in the drafting of the Constitution, which is an archaic, bad document. Case closed.

LIVINGSTON: Our time is up, according to the schedule your aides provided. But I want to sincerely thank you for agreeing to this interview, Mr. President. It has been enlightening.

TRUMP: Thank you,, Mark. Lincoln was killed by the Democratics. They are basically the Jews of America. But not the good type, like Jared. The Democrats have screwed things up so bigly that instead of people killing Jesus, a guy named Jesus is killing people. That’s one Jesus who won’t be walking on water to get to America. Liberal traitors keep asking me if I would let Jesus into this country. Because he wasn’t from America. And the answer is absolutely not. What the hell do you think the border wall is for? To keep every Jesus, Juan, Carlos and Maria from coming into this country, stealing jobs and raping our children. Do you want Jesus raping your children after he’s finished picking beans? I didn’t think so. And that’s not going to happen.

I was watching some footage -- top secret footage from one of our scientists -- a doctor who wants to put sharks with frickin’ lasers on the border. And they say that I don’t like animals. I keep Bannon around.

And you know, I’d give Bannon a cabinet position, but we can’t find a cabinet that will fit him. Obama went all IKEA. Cabinets made out of horrible, horrible, socialist hate trees...did you know that? I have the resolute desk in my office -- it’s the best desk -- made out of 100 percent American Resolute. They tell me that it was given to us by the Queen Mary after she won the War of the Rose by killing Joffrey at the Red Wedding. But I think that’s fake history. The last time I was in America, her boat hadn’t even left Long Beach. Any other freeloading foreigner, she makes a nice desk, but let’s face it, the Titanic is bigger. And that reminds me, Walmart will be selling Trump deck chairs this summer.

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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