Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Dick Cheney’s Autobiography “Explodes Heads All Over Washington” and Demands Apologies

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Former Vice President Richard Cheney released his anticipated and controversial autobiography entitled “In My Time” on Tuesday. In the traditionally understated role of vice president, Cheney changed the mold to became one of the most influential and radical figures in Washington. His story presents a generally guarded and misleading narrative, but Cheney musters enough candor to proclaim that every pivotal decision made by the administration between 2001 and 2006 was the direct result of his sage advice, save for the economic collapse and historic unemployment rates that happened after 2006 when Bush began making decisions on his own. In describing the book, Cheney said, “There are going be heads exploding all over Washington, and I’ll be the guy behind the trigger. After the smoke’s cleared, I will of course expect contrite apologies from those whose heads I’ve exploded.”

Monday, August 29, 2011

Marriage of Chick-fil-A and Free Breakfast Promotion Under Attack

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Chick-fil-A, a fast food restaurant chain specializing in chicken entrées and Christian values, is offering a free breakfast entrée between September 6 and September 10 for those who qualify by registering with the company’s online reservation system. Unfortunately, the system is leaving some with more reservations than it is generating. Complaints have also arisen about the “limited” number of spaces as well as the geographic restrictions. While communities such as Bennington Vale offer more Chick-fil-A locations than they do Starbucks, cities such as San Francisco have none at all, requiring devout patrons to travel as far as Fairfield, Calif. -- a pilgrimage of nearly 50 miles.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Eric Cantor and Other Conservatives Praise Hurricane Irene as Potential Boon to Economy

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- While nobody knows with certainty where Hurricane Irene will strike or with what force, broad swaths of the East Coast from Massachusetts to South Carolina are likely to be hit as the storm barrels toward the U.S. mainland. AIR Worldwide, a catastrophe modeling organization, estimated on Friday that the hurricane had already caused upward of $1.1 billion in insured losses across the Caribbean. For the United States, AIR Worldwide estimates that $4 trillion worth of insured coastal property lies in Irene’s path. The White House advised Americans in vulnerable areas to prepare, then get out of the way. “I cannot stress this highly enough,” President Obama said in statement from his vacation compound in Chilmark, “if you are in the projected path of this hurricane, you have to take precautions now. Don’t wait. Don’t delay. We all hope for the best, but we have to be prepared for the worst.”

But a group of far-right politicians led by Eric Cantor called Obama’s “Chicken Little” scenario a cat’s paw for taking swipes at the economic disasters his administration created. Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of San Narciso’s Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE), said, “Irene might be the best thing that’s happened to the U.S. economy since Katrina.”

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Rick Perry Claims Moral Victory as Kentucky Jury Rules for Doctor in Penis Amputation Suit

“If the kindly folk in that jury believed Mr. Seaton’s hickory dingle had the devil in it, well then they’re going to exonerate the sawbones.” -- Col. Goodman Joseph “Job” Jedediah Lawton-Cluff, Jr., Esq.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In 2007, Phillip Seaton, a 64-year-old truck driver from Waddy, Kentucky, admitted himself to Jewish Hospital Shelbyville for a circumcision, which was performed to an astonishingly liberal degree by urologist Dr. John Patterson. Seaton had expected the procedure to help treat chronic inflammation. Ultimately, it did. When he awoke from the surgery, Seaton discovered that Patterson had amputated his penis. The doctor maintained that he found cancer in Seaton’s member during the surgery, and that it had to be removed as a life-saving measure. The victim, who sued for $16 million in damages, alleged that he never authorized the amputation or received a second opinion. Despite conflicting testimonies from medical professionals and flimsy evidence to support either side, a jury unanimously ruled in favor of the doctor on Thursday.

Even more surprisingly, 2012 GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry declared the judgment a “clear victory for the conservative right and proof that masturbation leads to blindness and disease and the wrath of an angry Lord. There’s your second opinion, Mr. Seaton. This is when science gets it right, and you should be grateful!”

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

GOP Candidate Rick Perry Vows Repeal of Ohm’s Law and Other Questionable Legislation Once Elected

MANCHESTER, N.H. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry, whose late entry into the race has been described as a “game changer,” told New Hampshire voters Wednesday that he disputes the concept of global warming, calling it an unproven theory. “I think we’re seeing almost weekly, or even daily, scientists that are coming forward and questioning the original idea that man-made global warming is what is causing the climate to change,” said the Texas governor, who went on to assert that he believes all scientific theories are merely unfounded “nerd talking points.”

“They’re theories, not facts,” Perry roared from the stage to thunderous applause. “Says so right in the name. I think it’s a bunch of desperate and paranoid hogwash put out there by a dangerous fringe of socially inept pariahs. They’re trying to spawn an irrational belief system that’s predicated on nothing but blind faith and a ‘because I said so’ rationale, using language none of us understands. Look at all these dubious laws they’ve managed to put on the books.”

With that, Perry pledged to strike many of the “so-called” laws of physics from the books, taking his appeals as high as the Supreme Court if necessary. The first law under attack will be Ohm’s Law, which Perry described as an outdated, unsubstantiated and racist concept.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Conservative Bennington Vale Celebrates Birthday of Science Fiction Author Ray Bradbury

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Ray Bradbury, literary master of science fiction, fantasy and horror, turns 91 today. An Illinois native born in 1920, Bradbury has published over 500 works during his prolific career. In 2000, he was awarded the National Book Foundation’s Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters, and was presented the National Medal of Arts by President and Mrs. Bush in 2004. In a surprising announcement Monday, the San Narciso County school board invited students and community members to a birthday celebration in honor of the author of “Fahrenheit 451.”

“Ray Bradbury’s vision is a guiding force in literature,” said Commissioner Marissa Olden-Whitely, head of the county’s conservative school board. “Unlike so many of his peers, Mr. Bradbury created a world of order where the government operates as an effective agent of the people. With ‘Fahrenheit 451’ as the primary example, Bradbury suggested necessary improvements to society rather than satirical condemnations of proposed policy. So we’re celebrating this great man’s accomplishments today.”

Friday, August 19, 2011

Germany Looks for Migrant Workers to Solve Labor Shortages, Offering Free Housing and Transportation

BERLIN, Germany (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Germany’s stringent rules on employing skilled workers from outside the European Union has come under fire, with the acute shortage of engineers and other highly skilled labor. It’s a problem that analysts predict will worsen because of the aging population and low birth rates. Executives at German corporations have lamented for years that the bureaucratic process of hiring immigrant labor has imposed insurmountable obstacles on critical staff augmentation initiatives.

Immigration is a highly sensitive and politically charged issue in Germany, but the country announced Friday that it will be amending its process, offering millions of guest workers free housing and transportation.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Inspired by Gérard Depardieu, Ron Paul Arrested in Iowa after Urinating on Plane for Attention

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Fading or forgotten celebrities have done a lot of things to rekindle popular attention, even if that attention is generally negative. Lady Gaga, LeBron James, AnnaLynne McCord, Lindsay Lohan and David Hasselhoff are just a few of the celebrities who immediately spring to mind. But until today, perhaps no public personality has been as desperate for attention as Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the German socialite husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor. At age 47, the eccentric “royal” purchased his title from an elderly princess who legally adopted him in exchange for various favors, some of them monetary. Since that day in 1980, his antics have become the stuff of TMZ legend: Von Anhalt attempted to run for governor of California, claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s illegitimate child, showed up naked in a Rolls Royce in Los Angeles, and most likely ate his wife’s amputated leg in a Teutonic purity ritual inspired by a group of German malcontents from the 1940s. But von Anhalt has yet to relieve himself on an airplane or campaign for president under the cloud of the Libertarian ticket.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Rush Limbaugh Questions Obama’s Morals After Email Suggests President Had No Girlfriends Before Michelle

“What the hell kind of sick, indecent, culturally retarded infidel have we put into power?” -- Rush Limbaugh

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since Barack Obama presented his poor forgery of a long-form birth certificate, gullible elements of the public have been reluctant to listen to continued accusations that the president is a Muslim from Kenya. This was a particularly unwelcome setback to conservative mouthpiece and long-time champion of American values, Rush Limbaugh, who had made disseminating the information of Obama’s heritage the cornerstone of his crusade to preserve the integrity of the nation’s highest office. Fortunately, an email about the absence of Obama’s past romances surfaced on Wednesday, helping Limbaugh prove that the president is in fact the most un-American political figure in Washington. “No girlfriends?” Limbaugh asked. “No serious relationships prior to the woman he eventually married? What the hell kind of sick, indecent, culturally retarded infidel have we put into power?”

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Rupert Murdoch Saves Drowning Baby After Intercepting Desperate Call to Police

LONDON, U.K.. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Parliament released new documents Tuesday that contradicted the testimony given to lawmakers last month by James Murdoch about News International’s role in the now infamous phone hacking scandal. During the hearing, Murdoch had denied that he knew of an email that included transcripts of 35 hacked conversations, but a former lawyer for News International named Tom Crone asserted that Murdoch was indeed aware of the electronic correspondence. “I have no doubt,” Crone’s letter read, “that I informed Mr. Murdoch of its existence, what it was and where it came from.” Given the obsessive and controlling management style attributed to Rupert Murdoch -- James Murdoch’s father and head of News International -- the revelation of this new evidence would seem to imply that the Murdochs were cognizant of and complicit in the illegal activities.

But in an intriguing turn of events, a day that threatened to impugn Rupert Murdoch’s reputation for ethics and integrity was turned around by news of his heroism, after London police reported that the octogenarian news mogul was responsible for saving the life of a drowning infant.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Michele Bachmann Rouses Throbbing Crowd of Iowa State Fair Goers with Vote Winning Strategy

AMES, Iowa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Despite the late entrance into the 2012 Republican presidential race by Texas Governor Rick Perry -- a formidable conservative with deft skills on the stump -- Michele Bachmann emerged as the clear front-runner after winning the GOP straw pole in Ames, further fortifying her position as a top tier candidate for the Republican nomination. Bachmann is now widely considered the favorite to win the Iowa caucuses early next year. Despite Perry’s ease with engaging the public, his ability to galvanize Tea Party conservatives and his fundraising prowess, Bachmann demonstrated crowd pleasing skills at the Iowa State Fair that she said Perry and the other GOP contenders completely lacked.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Herman Cain Wows GOP Debate by Citing His Two Muses: Pizza and Donna Summer

DES MOINES, Iowa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With Iowans held in thrall by the cortege of presidential candidates overtaking Ames, not to mention a guest appearance by Sarah Palin at the Iowa State Fair, none seemed to capture as much attention as former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain. During the GOP debate, Cain wowed the audience with his pithy, sometimes surreal responses to questions, which invoked the two muses closest to his heart: Italian pies and disco queen Donna Summer.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Debt Ceiling Aftermath: GOP Demands Democrats to Admit Negotiating with Terrorists

WILMINGTON, Del. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last week, as House Republicans under the influence of conservative Tea Party members held the government hostage to win a political victory during the debt ceiling compromise, Vice President Biden accused them of having “acted like terrorists.” Political pundits roundly glossed over the statement as another of Biden’s customary gaffes. But Republican leaders are now demanding that Biden explain himself to the nation and offer a public those terrorists with whom America has refused to negotiate.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Sinead O’Connor’s Big Fat Gift to America

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A Reuters/Ipsos poll today found that 73 percent of Americans believe that the country is “on the wrong track.” The poll reflected the growing anxiety over the economy and frustration with partisan politics. Half of all Americans blamed the Tea Party for compromising the country’s financial stability while the other half blamed Democrats for caving to pressure. Interestingly, despite the backlash from voters, a more widely read poll found that Casey Anthony was ranked the most hated person in the country. Not members of Congress, not Rupert Murdoch, not President Obama, and not analysts at Standard & Poor’s. But fortunately for Casey Anthony and the U.S. government, nothing so important occurred this week as the spectacle of a frumpy Sinead O’Connor debuting her new look at the Bray Seaside Festival in Ireland, where she took the stage to sing backup for reggae artist Natty Wailer.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Dow Jones Soars but Flags Fly at Half Mast for Death of New Deal

Seventy-five Percent of Nation Mourns Loss of New Deal (1933 - 2011)

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Flags will be flown half staff today at the FDR Monument and Capitol Dome in remembrance of the New Deal, which died on August 2, 2011. With the termination of most government funded programs, memorial services will not be held, although private ceremonies are encouraged. Visit the White House website for a list of major retailers, including Walmart and Big Lots, that are selling specialty “RIP New Deal” items for your parties.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Monday, August 8, 2011

As Dow Plummets, Obama Sends Surprising “Economic Envoy” of Military Leaders to Standard & Poor’s for “Friendly Chat”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Standard & Poor’s (S&P), despite admitting to an egregious mathematical error of over $2 trillion -- which further revealed that the very people pronouncing credit worthiness on the United States had no understanding of basic budget estimate analysis -- went ahead and downgraded the nation’s rating anyway. As a result, markets panicked, stocks plunged, and the Dow Jones industrial average finished down 634.76 points in the final hour of trading. President Obama sharply criticized S&P, and senior administration officials accused the financial services firm of sabotaging the markets in the face of an admitted error. Representatives from Standard & Poor’s blamed “No Child Left Behind” for the substandard accounting skills of their analysts, but refused to restore the country’s AAA rating. “It’s not that we don’t want to,” one spokesperson explained. “We just don’t know how to change entries in the system. Our IT guy is out all week on jury duty.”

In an interesting response to the shake up, President Obama announced that all 12 members of the congressional “super committee” tasked with deficit reduction would be replaced with military leaders and a delegation of special forces personnel. “I can’t reveal all the details of the roster change at this time,”Obama said, “but they’re on their way to Standard & Poor’s right now.”

Friday, August 5, 2011

Study Conclusively Proves Prom Not Cheap Excuse to Get Laid

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the 2011-2012 school year nearly upon us, researchers from San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD) have uncovered some fascinating information about high school proms. “Despite the dreadful economy and tight spending restrictions that many families have imposed on themselves, the money shelled out on proms continues to increase,” reported Janus Heuchler, PISRAD director and head of the project. Although sometimes discounted as nostalgic displays of bygone pageantry, criticized for being outdated or, even worse, deemed exclusionary to those not in the upper middle classes, proms have experienced a surge in a harsh economic climate that has seen consumer spending drop in nearly every other sector.

White House Releases Infographic to Explain Bipartisan Reach Around on Debt Compromise

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To help quell the contentious debate over the debt ceiling compromise, and explain to disillusioned Americans how the plan actually works operates, the White House on Thursday released a visual flowchart that simplifies the complex process of bipartisan, Super Congressional decision making in relation to U.S. debt and federal budgets. The graphic is prefaced by the following statement:

After a long and heated debate, President Obama has signed into law a compromise that will reduce the deficit and avert a default on our obligations that would have devastated our economy. Although not ideal, according to President Obama, the deal bends over backwards to rub out wads of divisive political spew, while reaching around the aisle for a bipartisan happy ending.

To help explain this compromise, we’ve put together an infographic that explains what’s in it and what will happen in the coming months.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Virginia’s Concealed Firearms Policy Overrides Virgina Tech’s “Silly” Weapons Ban - State Officials Say Gunman Deterred as Result

BLACKSBURG, Va. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After children reported seeing a man walking school grounds with a possible firearm, Virginia Tech on Thursday activated the longest, most extensive lockdown and campus-wide search since the 2007 massacre that left 33 people dead. The university’s enhanced emergency notification system worked flawlessly, immediately alerting over 45,000 subscribers via phone and text messages. Although the school banned weapons from its campus years prior to the 2007 incident, the state of Virginia still allows concealed handguns to be carried everywhere, including churches, day cares, Obama rallies and public schools. State officials said that the state’s progressive gun ownership policy, not Virginia Tech’s robust notification system, thwarted the gunman, who was “too intimidated to act.”

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Saudi Billionaire Ironically Contracts with Bin Laden Group to Build World’s Largest Tower

JEDDAH, Saudi Arabia. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed bin Talal revealed plans Tuesday to construct the world’s tallest tower in the port city of Jeddah, signing a $1.23 billion contract with the Bin Laden Group -- an organization whose founding members have historically offered expertise only in tower demolitions. The proposed structure would exceed 1,000 meters in height and take more than five years to complete. Prince Alwaleed said the tower would serve as a political and economic symbol to the world that Saudis invest in their people. The Jeddah tower will include a hotel, serviced apartments, luxury condominiums and business offices. Investors in the region speculate that the project came in response to growing complaints of urban decay combined with massive housing demands from recent population explosions.

“It is a project undertaken in the spirit of pride,” one international land rights expert said. “But the Saudis will need to be careful about avoiding the transition into meaningless vanity or hubris. I mean, the last time a Middle Eastern group of people attempted to build a tower of this magnitude, an unexplained global communications failure occurred, which took thousands of years to resolve. But more than that, I worry about the decision to partner with the Bin Laden Group on this project. In my experience, the Bin Ladens have a horrendous track record around tall buildings that serve as monuments to opulence and commerce.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Dunkin’ Donuts Shares Plummet as “Extra Sugar” Sex Offerings Stricken from Menu

ROCKAWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After receiving complaints about a 29-year-old female Dunkin’ Donuts employee providing “lackluster” sexual services for “outrageous fees” to patrons in the parking lot, New Jersey police launched an investigation into illegal practices. Detectives told reporters that during a stakeout they noticed worker Melissa Redmond getting into the cars of customers and spending up to 15 minutes in their vehicles. “There are several problems here,” investigators said. “Customers are complaining about the quality of the product and the high price, which for only 15 minutes in a cramped back seat seems justified. Also, Dunkin’ Donuts failed to obtain the necessary permits or pay for the additional health inspections required.” As a result, Dunkin’ Donuts has been forced to remove all sexual services from its menus.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Five Years After DUI Arrest, Mel Gibson Claims New Outlook on Sobriety and Jews

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Hard to believe how quickly time flies, but it’s been five years since Mel Gibson’s tumultuous arrest for drunk driving along Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu, Calif. Gibson’s run-in with L.A. County Sheriff’s Deputy James Mee garnered more attention for the actor’s anti-Semitic rant than the DUI itself. During the 2006 incident, after being pulled over and detained for driving while intoxicated, Gibson became agitated and profane. The police report claimed that Gibson told Mee, “You mother f****r. I’m going to f*** you.” The deputy also stated that Gibson launched into a torrent of anti-Semitic ravings: “F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Gibson then asked the deputy, “Are you a Jew?”

Sources close to Gibson say that he hasn’t touched a drop of booze since the incident, and claims a new outlook on alcoholism and the role of Jews in the world.

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