Friday, August 12, 2011

Herman Cain Wows GOP Debate by Citing His Two Muses: Pizza and Donna Summer

DES MOINES, Iowa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With Iowans held in thrall by the cortege of presidential candidates overtaking Ames, not to mention a guest appearance by Sarah Palin at the Iowa State Fair, none seemed to capture as much attention as former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain. During the GOP debate, Cain wowed the audience with his pithy, sometimes surreal responses to questions, which invoked the two muses closest to his heart: Italian pies and disco queen Donna Summer.

Who Doesn’t Love Pizza and Donna Summer?
“Why am I running for president?” Cain asked rhetorically. “Like I said, it’s for the children and the grandchildren. And the Lord. I happen to believe that God wanted me to stay here so I could try and make a difference. At first, I thought He wanted me to be CEO of a restaurant chain. But I realized He really wanted me to be the chief executive of the United States. My bad.”

Confusingly, Cain ended the debate by quoting Donna Summer: “A poet once said, ‘life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it’s never easy when there’s so much on the line.’”

Media analysts quickly discovered that the lines had come from Summer’s title track to the 2000 “Pokemon” movie, which Cain admitted was “a real tear-jerker. I didn’t want to see it, but I did it for the children and the grandchildren. A powerful piece of cinema.”

Cain also confessed that Donna Summer and pizza were the two muses that inspired him most. “Who doesn’t love pizza and disco?” Cain asked reporters. “What’s more American than that? Apple pie? C’mon, now.”

Indeed, many of Cain’s responses in the debate seemed heavily influenced by those two things every American loves most.

Cain Captivates Debate
Although a strong Tea Party favorite, Cain’s business successes alone have not convinced political wonks or moderate Republicans that running the world’s most powerful nation is equivalent to running a chain of discount pizza bakeries.

When moderator Chris Wallace asked, “How do you reassure people that you know enough to be president of the United States?” Cain said simply that he was a “business problem solver. Wanna know how America works, Chris? It don’t. Ha! But I got a deal you can’t refuse.”

Cain then declared, “America’s just a big business when you look at. Nine a.m. on the hour hand and she’s waiting for the bell. And she’s looking real pretty, just waitin’ for her clientele. She works hard for the money, so hard for it, honey. She works hard for the money, so you better treat her right. But she ain’t been treated right, has she? Just like Burger King or Godfather’s when I came aboard. I’m gonna treat her right, though. I’m gonna love her up real hard. For the children and the grandchildren.”

When Wallace pressed Cain to provide more details about how he would solve the current economic crisis, Cain pledged to reduce tax rates within his first 90 days in office.

“Let’s say I have a milkshake and you have a straw. No, wait, that’s stupid. Let’s say I have a salad bar. Customers are happy because they see a choice of toppings. But as a smart business man, I’m limiting their choices. The perception don’t suffer, and I profit. So, they start with lettuce. Iceberg, baby, ‘cause I’m not paying more for a choice of Romaine, Butterhead, baby spinach or any of that. You want tomatoes? I got two kinds: cherry and beefsteak. You want Roma, go to Rome. This is America. You want croutons? Crumble up some of them Saltines. I got three dressings, chick peas, carrots, kidney beans and white onions. All the rest of the unnecessary fillings are entitlement programs. Get rid of them and you can charge customers less for what they see as enough. Boom, taxes down in 90 days!”

Cain also criticized the Democrats for their handling of the debt ceiling crisis, implying that they had behaved as prostitutes: “Sad girls, sad girls. You such a dirty bad girl. Beep, beep uh, uh.”

The crowd erupted into applause.

But the most tense moment in Cain’s appearance came when Wallace asked him to explain his controversial remarks about not having a specific plan for Afghanistan and supporting communities that want to ban mosques.

“If anyone misunderstood my intent, I apologize for that,” said Cain, regarding his mosques comment. “But never will I apologize for saying that Sharia law does not belong in the United States of America. It has about as much of a place here as damn pineapples on a pizza. Just ain’t right. You know what belongs on a pie, though? Ham. Pork. That’s America. And that ain’t allowed in Sharia law neither.”

Cain dovetailed this answer with his stance on immigration, in which he joked that the United States should build a 20-foot-high, barbed-wire electric fence along its borders.

“It’s a joke, sure, but we got to secure our borders. I wouldn’t open a new restaurant without an alarm system and sturdy locks on the safe. Would you? We need America by us, beside us, to guide us, and to scold those of us who enter the country illegally, because when those folks are bad, they’re so, so bad. It turns out that America can be a nation with high fences and wide open doors. Just like a big, fat meat-lovers pizza with a thin crust. It still works. And if closing off the borders means less Canadian bacon on the pie, so what? Ain’t gonna find better than American made, am I right?”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.