Tuesday, August 23, 2011

GOP Candidate Rick Perry Vows Repeal of Ohm’s Law and Other Questionable Legislation Once Elected

MANCHESTER, N.H. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry, whose late entry into the race has been described as a “game changer,” told New Hampshire voters Wednesday that he disputes the concept of global warming, calling it an unproven theory. “I think we’re seeing almost weekly, or even daily, scientists that are coming forward and questioning the original idea that man-made global warming is what is causing the climate to change,” said the Texas governor, who went on to assert that he believes all scientific theories are merely unfounded “nerd talking points.”

“They’re theories, not facts,” Perry roared from the stage to thunderous applause. “Says so right in the name. I think it’s a bunch of desperate and paranoid hogwash put out there by a dangerous fringe of socially inept pariahs. They’re trying to spawn an irrational belief system that’s predicated on nothing but blind faith and a ‘because I said so’ rationale, using language none of us understands. Look at all these dubious laws they’ve managed to put on the books.”

With that, Perry pledged to strike many of the “so-called” laws of physics from the books, taking his appeals as high as the Supreme Court if necessary. The first law under attack will be Ohm’s Law, which Perry described as an outdated, unsubstantiated and racist concept.

Scientists Make Theories, God Makes Laws
During his stump speech in New Hampshire, Perry told the crowd, “There is an insidious and growing problem with people who think they can address every issue using knowledge and understanding gained through the scientific method of experiment and observation. Well, I say the entire premise is flawed. How do I know? Because these scientists have failed to observe the most obvious truth of existence: God. Oh, they see atoms and distant galaxies and little bits and pieces of invisible microbes, but somehow their observations keep missing something as big as God, when He’s present in everything. They say stupid things like, ‘God doesn’t play dice.’ The devil He don’t; He invented dice!”

The Texas governor also cited a growing number of science students on British campuses and in sixth form colleges who have been challenging the theory of evolution and arguing that Darwin was wrong.

“Darwin. Really?” Perry incredulously asked, pointing at an unopened copy of On the Origin of Species. “‘All this and I still married my cousin;’ that’s the real story here, folks.”

Perry then reminded the crowd that the Catholic Church teaches evolution as a planned and purpose-driven natural process, actively guided by God.

“It figures,” Perry drawled. “Catholics. Christ’s elitist evangelists. The limousine liberals of the New Testament. Someone needs to buy them a new calendar, ‘cause they surely don’t understand the length of six days.”

Cleaning the House, Beginning with Ohm’s Law
Democrats hypothesize that Perry’s anti-science stance became a more prominent political platform after House Republicans failed to stop the enactment of new energy-saving standards for light bulbs back in July. For many Republicans, fluorescent light bulbs were symbolic of an overreaching government trying to force people to buy health insurance, fuel-efficient cars, energy-wise appliances and the abandonment of Jesus Christ as Lord.

Perry, however, explained that the issue reached far beyond despotic, socialist government control.

“It’s not just about a bureaucracy mandating what products we can buy,” Perry said. “It’s about the relevancy and legitimacy of the ‘laws’ themselves. In this case, Ohm’s Law. First of all, and I’ve had it explained to me by one of our electricians, it seems to be a discriminatory piece of legislation that should be repealed. Ohm’s Law states that electrical current is directly proportional to the voltage and inversely proportional to the resistance. I don’t know what the heck that means, but I understand this: separate but equal is not equal. Remember that, America? And this from a black administration. If it were truly a law worth following, current should be directly proportional to both voltage and resistance, or inversely proportional to both, or proportional to neither. We can’t write discrimination into law. That’s why gay marriage is such an important topic. If we allow homos to marry, then we discriminate against the majority of God-fearing, heterosexual American couples who will have their civil rights taken away from them.”

Perry emphasized that the most important consideration, regardless of political view, is the legality of Ohm’s Law itself: “It’s only a theory. I talked to a physics professor the other day who said that if a scientific theory can’t be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt but is universally accepted as true by the scientific community, then it can be written into law. Well, that’s just BS. The law of gravity, too. BS. How can you say it’s a law? It’s not. It’s another one of these ‘universally held beliefs.’ Look, I was at the Holy Land Experience theme park in Orlando with the family and I saw a kid let go of his Lamb of God balloon. Know what happened? It floated up to Heaven and disappeared, defying gravity all the way.”

Texas Task Force Assembled to Begin Ohm’s Law Repeal
Governor Perry announced Tuesday that his state will initiate formal efforts to repeal Ohm’s Law this week. He has already formed a task force of like-minded legislators and school board officials to see the process through. The approval of Perry’s actions among conservative Christian voters was evident in his higher-than-expected polling performance.

“There’s nothing in the Bible about electricity or light bulbs or gravity,” Perry wrote in a campaign email to supporters. “Nowhere in the Ten Commandments does God discuss Ohm’s Law. There are only two sources of law in the land: those passed by Congress and those passed down by the Almighty. If elected President of the United States of America, I promise you those will be the only laws enforced after 2012.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

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