Monday, August 8, 2011

As Dow Plummets, Obama Sends Surprising “Economic Envoy” of Military Leaders to Standard & Poor’s for “Friendly Chat”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Standard & Poor’s (S&P), despite admitting to an egregious mathematical error of over $2 trillion -- which further revealed that the very people pronouncing credit worthiness on the United States had no understanding of basic budget estimate analysis -- went ahead and downgraded the nation’s rating anyway. As a result, markets panicked, stocks plunged, and the Dow Jones industrial average finished down 634.76 points in the final hour of trading. President Obama sharply criticized S&P, and senior administration officials accused the financial services firm of sabotaging the markets in the face of an admitted error. Representatives from Standard & Poor’s blamed “No Child Left Behind” for the substandard accounting skills of their analysts, but refused to restore the country’s AAA rating. “It’s not that we don’t want to,” one spokesperson explained. “We just don’t know how to change entries in the system. Our IT guy is out all week on jury duty.”

In an interesting response to the shake up, President Obama announced that all 12 members of the congressional “super committee” tasked with deficit reduction would be replaced with military leaders and a delegation of special forces personnel. “I can’t reveal all the details of the roster change at this time,”Obama said, “but they’re on their way to Standard & Poor’s right now.”

Super Committee Turns Super Hero
As part of the debt ceiling compromise on August 2, the formation of a bipartisan committee to produce fiscal policy breakthroughs was agreed upon by Democrats and Republicans.

The panel -- whose 12 members were to be named this week -- was expected to do the bare minimum required of it, pushing off tough tax and entitlement reforms into 2013.

And because the selection of members would be left to congressional leaders, skeptics foresaw loyalists from each party being named to the positions, essentially accomplishing nothing but the creation of a newly government subsidized agency that would likely cut itself out of existence in the first round of entitlement reforms.

But on Monday, after the S&P downgrade, President Obama reshuffled the personnel structure and named Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, Admiral Michael Mullen, CIA Director Michael Morell and Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano as the chairs of the committee. The remaining roles were filled by an anonymous group of Navy SEALS and intelligence officers.

“Before the committee gets to its primary work of finding an additional $1.5 trillion in cuts, they need to tackle the downgrade of U.S. debt, which has placed unnecessary pressure on the deficit reduction strategies,” one analyst from the Congressional Budget Office said. “We simply can’t have the markets collapsing because Standard & Poor’s doesn’t understand how to use a freaking calculator. Nothing will get accomplished. So, President Obama has wisely chosen to send a special ‘envoy’ of ‘economic policy enforcers’ over there to have a friendly chat about how to clear up this little misunderstanding.”

Obama Says U.S. Still AAA
“Markets will rise and fall, but this is the United States of America. No matter what some agency may say, we have always been and always will be a triple-A country,” Obama said. “AAA has a long and prized history of protecting American interests by offering affordable insurance, financial services, transportation expertise, roadside assistance, travel planning, and automotive industry support. The country needs this kind of help now more than ever, and we have no intention of jeopardizing our membership in AAA. We’re hoping they might be able to float us a loan until we can sort this mess out.”

The President also said that he made clear to Congress that a more balanced approach to tax reforms must emerge from the new deal, in which the wealthier pay more taxes to contribute to the reduction of the deficit. He also said he will continue to push for an extension of the payroll tax cuts, even though all of these measures are prohibited in the debt ceiling compromise ratified last week.

“I ran on a platform of hope,” Obama said. “I wasn’t leading anyone astray. I had hoped that the Republicans would be reasonable. I had hoped that I would be able to end the Bush tax cuts. I had hoped to create jobs and fix the economy. That was all I had. A bunch of hope. Well, none of that happened. And I caved on a lot of issues, still hoping that those on the right would meet me in the middle. Now, all I can do is keep hoping that someone in the House of Representatives will listen to me. I understand that their never-ending threats to hold their breath until they turn blue is a bluff I’m not willing call. As President, I can’t be responsible for standing by while a member of the House suffocates. What I can do is nag them. Keep asking for the same things over and over again, hoping that between my nagging and their auto-asphyxiation a compromise can be reached.”

Tim Geithner to Stay at Treasury
As the U.S. economy continues its fiery descent into madness and ruin, Timothy Geithner has told President Obama that he will remain as Treasury secretary, ending speculation he would leave the administration.

White House spokesman Jay Carney said, “The president asked Secretary Geithner to stay on at Treasury and welcomes his decision. With the lack of available jobs in the financial services sector, the market collapse, and now the S&P credit rating fiasco, Geithner is the only person we could find who was willing to work for minimum wage.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.