Thursday, August 11, 2011

Debt Ceiling Aftermath: GOP Demands Democrats to Admit Negotiating with Terrorists

WILMINGTON, Del. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last week, as House Republicans under the influence of conservative Tea Party members held the government hostage to win a political victory during the debt ceiling compromise, Vice President Biden accused them of having “acted like terrorists.” Political pundits roundly glossed over the statement as another of Biden’s customary gaffes. But Republican leaders are now demanding that Biden explain himself to the nation and offer a public those terrorists with whom America has refused to negotiate.

Boehner Wants End to Biden Era of Hypocrisy
“Our bane [sic] of contention is not what you think,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “We’re not disputing the association made by Vice President Biden. On the contrary, as Rep. Pete Sessions said, we in the GOP knew we’d have to emulate the ‘insurgency’ tactics of ‘the Taliban’ to unseat the Democratic majority in Congress. It was the only way to save Americans from the malicious socialism and unpatriotic values of this elite, liberal majority of lawmakers.”

Boehner went on to acknowledge, as Sessions (R-Texas) had intimated shortly after the election of Barack Obama, that studying the actions of the Taliban and al Qaeda would provide the GOP with a “tactical model” for “taking down the ivory towers” of Democratic power.

“I stand by Pete Sessions’ assessment that America-loving Republicans ‘need to understand that insurgency may be required,’ and that if Democrats resist, Republicans ‘will then become an insurgency,’” Boehner continued, wiping away a jaundiced tear. “Our problem today, as it always has been, is centered in Mr. Biden’s constant contradictions, flip-floppery and nonsense. We Republicans have always said that Democrats do negotiate with terrorists, despite their protests to these accusations. And yet once again, the proof is staring us right in the face. President Obama’s party totally negotiated with us on this compromise. It’s a fact.”

Even more bizarre, the Democrats allowed the GOP to decimate entitlement programs dearest to their principles, but then defended Republicans against cuts to their programs.

The tacit agreement with the creation of the budgetary “Super Committee” was the threat of automatic cuts that would prove horrendous to each party: slashing domestic programs to scare Democrats into compromising, while substantially reducing military spending to frighten the GOP. But when the Tea Party faction coolly supported the proposed military reductions, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta immediately changed tack and denounced the cuts as a “doomsday mechanism,” warning that they “would do real damage to our security, our troops and their families, and our military’s ability to protect the nation.”

Speaker Boehner, unable to contain his laughter, said, “It’s hilarious because a wide majority of Americans supported tax increases to keep entitlement programs and stimulus plans in place. This is one of the strangest and most inexplicable about-faces I’ve ever seen in Congress. That would be like condemning al Qaeda’s attack on the Twin Towers and then sending them flowers and chocolates. Maybe a nice card too. And Democrats wonder why we don’t want them running the country.”

Biden Offers Apology
For all his off-the-cuff remarks, social faux pas and folksy working class rhetoric, Joe Biden has certainly not proven to be a shrinking violet with respect to combating terrorism. He has also been staunch about “not negotiating with terrorists,” engaging the military to suppress uprisings, urging foreign governments to fight al Qaeda, and he even labeled Julian Assange a “high tech terrorist.” In fact, the Democrats in power have done virtually no negotiating with terrorists since the attacks of September 11. President Obama, when campaigning against John McCain, had repeatedly called for a diplomatic solution to terrorism before the consideration of a military solution. And yet, that diplomacy was not seen in Pakistan, Afghanistan or Libya.

Ferrel Michaels, a pundit based in Maryland, said, “There are a lot of terrorist organizations out there looking to initiate a dialog. Look at Iran, they’ve been trying to get a conversation going with us for a long time. And whenever North Korea acted out, a simple shipment of Broadway musicals on video tape and Astroglide used to calm them right down. But now we ignore them, or rattle our sabers. I believe the Obama administration could have avoided a lot of armed forces intervention over the last couple of years if they had negotiated. For them to set the bar of diplomacy with terrorists at the level of the Tea Party, well that’s just humiliating and offensive to terrorists who’ve really worked at it.”

Representatives from Vice President Biden’s office say he is now composing an apology letter to several know terrorist cells, with invitations to meet for beer and “rap sessions.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.