Dow Jones Industrial Average Down, Sinead Up
CNN, which recently changed its format to a YouTube-based viral video aggregator and “living blog” platform, covered the story of the Dow Jones scare on Monday by running a clip of a kitten whetting its tiny claws on a pile of dollar bills. CNN anchors expressed confusion at how the markets spiralled out of control again after yesterday’s slight recovery before focusing their energies on dissecting Sinead O’Connor’s appearance.
“Buy high, sell low. Sell high, buy low. I just don’t get all this economic voodoo,” one anchor said. “So to recap, the markets are back down, there’s a public demonstration of some kind in London, and something something Indonesia. But our top story: can you guess who this fat, dumpy singer is? No? It’s 90s superstar Sinead O’Connor. Let’s spend the next hour discussing what you have to say about it on Twitter.”
Afterward, CNN cut to an interview of a dentist from Arizona, conducted by a six-year-old named Danny on his mother’s iPhone.
Michele Bachmann Attributes Strange Newsweek Photo to Seeing Sinead O’Connor Fat
“Hey look over there, Sinead O’Connor is fat. And she has a full head of hair. And she still hates the Pope.” These were the words Michele Bachmann claimed she heard from the Newsweek photographer who snapped the unflattering picture of her for the magazine’s latest cover. “I was so shocked to see what had become of her,” Bachmann said. She then explained that the Newsweek image reflected her surprise and disgust at seeing the spectacle of a frumpy Sinead O’Connor.
“Sinead’s just so gross with that awful bob haircut and her belly poking out of that sheer midriff. But when the Newsweek people told me she was also a Christian-hating lesbian, my face just froze. Such a beautiful voice. Such an ugly, hateful soul.”
Wisconsin Recall Elections: Scott Walker Photo Ripping Protest Condemned by Bachmann
Last weekend, a mysterious fire burned down a local Wisconsin headquarters of the campaign to recall Republican senators. Investigators said they discovered nothing out of the ordinary except for several boxes of scorched tea bags. “Those people drank a crap load of tea, but as far as we can tell, there’s no trace of foul play here,” authorities told reporters.
Despite the setback, campaign workers said that the spirit of solidarity prevailed, reporting a record turnout of voters casting ballots to remove six Republican senators in the nation’s largest ever recall election. This morning, precincts reported victories for progressives.
Several of the grass roots activists who had organized the recall election announced their triumph by unanimously ripping up photographs of Governor Scott Walker. Moments later, however, Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann -- who had been attending the rallies to protest the recalls -- jumped on stage with a poster of O’Connor, seized the microphone and told the stunned crowd, “Oh my God. Is that what’s going to happen to you; is that what you’re going to turn into if you keep fighting back against oppressors? Oh, dear, I don’t know. I don’t know. I mean, clearly she was trying to make fun of conservative, morally upstanding, God-fearing Americans by dressing up as a pregnant altar boy. But it’s inappropriate. As far as you people defiling the photos of Scott Walker, a respected public figure, I think there is a better way to present your ideas rather than destroying his image, which means a lot to other people.”
(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.