Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Rupert Murdoch Saves Drowning Baby After Intercepting Desperate Call to Police

LONDON, U.K.. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Parliament released new documents Tuesday that contradicted the testimony given to lawmakers last month by James Murdoch about News International’s role in the now infamous phone hacking scandal. During the hearing, Murdoch had denied that he knew of an email that included transcripts of 35 hacked conversations, but a former lawyer for News International named Tom Crone asserted that Murdoch was indeed aware of the electronic correspondence. “I have no doubt,” Crone’s letter read, “that I informed Mr. Murdoch of its existence, what it was and where it came from.” Given the obsessive and controlling management style attributed to Rupert Murdoch -- James Murdoch’s father and head of News International -- the revelation of this new evidence would seem to imply that the Murdochs were cognizant of and complicit in the illegal activities.

But in an intriguing turn of events, a day that threatened to impugn Rupert Murdoch’s reputation for ethics and integrity was turned around by news of his heroism, after London police reported that the octogenarian news mogul was responsible for saving the life of a drowning infant.

According to official statements by investigators with the Metropolitan Police Service, “Mr. Murdoch was instrumental in preventing the death of an 11-month-old female infant in Hoddesdon this morning.”

A spokesperson for the Murdochs said that Rupert had been “puttering about his garden,” drinking lemonade, painting pictures of kittens and making phone calls.

“After completing his portrait, Mr. Murdoch expressed to me that it was a rather slow day, so he began toying with his smart phone,” the spokesperson told reporters. “After about an hour, Mr. Murdoch dashed into the house yelling, ‘I just overheard a call from a woman trying to reach emergency services. She was on hold with 999, panic-stricken, but I could hear her describing the details of a drowning child.”

Moments later, Murdoch summoned his in-house nurse, who rushed over to the address and successfully revived the baby after administering CPR.

Because of his quick thinking and “keen sense of his surroundings,” Rupert Murdoch is being hailed as a hero by authorities in Hertfordshire.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.