Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Dick Cheney’s Autobiography “Explodes Heads All Over Washington” and Demands Apologies

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Former Vice President Richard Cheney released his anticipated and controversial autobiography entitled “In My Time” on Tuesday. In the traditionally understated role of vice president, Cheney changed the mold to became one of the most influential and radical figures in Washington. His story presents a generally guarded and misleading narrative, but Cheney musters enough candor to proclaim that every pivotal decision made by the administration between 2001 and 2006 was the direct result of his sage advice, save for the economic collapse and historic unemployment rates that happened after 2006 when Bush began making decisions on his own. In describing the book, Cheney said, “There are going be heads exploding all over Washington, and I’ll be the guy behind the trigger. After the smoke’s cleared, I will of course expect contrite apologies from those whose heads I’ve exploded.”

To date, no vice president has employed such presumptuous and boastful language in comparing his role to that of the nation’s chief executive. Cheney himself admitted, “I didn’t set out to embarrass the president or not embarrass the president. If you look at the book, there are many places in it where I say some very fine things about George Bush.” Among those compliments? George Bush appeared to be very fit, a capable drinker, had at one time been acquainted with people in the armed services and, most crucially, knew his place.

But for those readers seeking a devastating tell all, “In My Time” contains a paucity of shockers or real revelations. Cheney conceded that writing the memoir was one of most challenging and painful tasks he has ever undertaken.

“My life as a public servant has been necessarily secretive and reserved, for the good of the American people. To get information out of me took a team of enhanced interrogation experts three years and fourteen waterboardings. Other things too. Chapter eight, for example, was so difficult to write that they had to attach electrodes to my testicles, insert a cattle prod into my anus, force me into my wife’s pantyhose, and then make me stand in a bucket of alkaline water connected to seven car batteries. And when I got to the part where George and Condi try to talk Colin Powell into what I presumed to be a sex act -- something Bush called “The Rim of Africa” -- I had a heart attack in the lump of fat on the back of my neck; that’s how bad it was. I’m not sure I’d be able to write a follow up, especially under the strain of stress positions, abdomen strikes and forced Tab cola feelings. I thought the FDA had banned that crap in the 80s. Unfortunately, there’s no other proven way to extract information than through torture. Any forthcoming memoirs will depend on my doctor’s approval.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody. See disclaimers.