Friday, December 30, 2016

2017 Fitness Resolutions? Trump Endorses North Korean Dirt Diet


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A new study published by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) provides compelling evidence for American men to stick by 2017 New Year’s weight-loss resolutions. Nearly 50 percent of men, the report found, remain seated for three-quarters of the day, compared to only 13 percent of women. The result? A rise in obesity. However, President-elect Donald Trump offered some unusual advice as part of his commitment to overhaul the existing U.S. health system. The conversation came from a recent briefing on the threat of North Korea. Rather than discussing the predictably erratic antics of Pyongyang’s minuscule but tyrannical autocrat, Trump raved about a new fad in weight loss based on the North Korean diet of dirt and tree bark, which is sure to help millions shed unwanted pounds in 2017. This “all natural” and “portion-sensible” diet, Trump opined, can reduce American dependence on Obamacare and food stamps.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Tourette’s Rattles Amish Community, Exposes Fallacy of Socialized Healthcare


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The small Amish enclave in San Narciso’s Kinneret Hills was rattled this Christmas by the discovery of Tourette syndrome in one of its teens, according to reports from the community’s local paper and a physician who resides near “Amish Acres,” as the area is called by neighboring residents. Tourette’s is a congenital neuropsychiatric disorder characterized by physical spasms and peculiar vocal tics, which can include profanity, derogatory remarks and socially unacceptable outbursts. In an interesting corollary, Rep. Tom Price (R-Ga.), Trump’s appointee for the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), said the incident -- and the community’s handling of it -- revealed the fallacy of social medical programs. Price has long sought to dismantle Obamacare and replace Medicare with a voucher system. “The Amish, stunned as they are by the offensive outbursts of a child, are handling the situation as real Americans should,” Price said. “They’re tolerating it, placing the infirm pariah in quarantine and praying for God’s assistance -- not the taxpayers’.”

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Trump Blasts U.N. Resolution: Without Israel, Jews Will Come Back Here


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Friday, the United Nations Security Council unanimously passed Resolution 2334, which denounced Israel’s construction of Jewish settlements on the West Bank as a “flagrant violation” of international law. President-elect Donald Trump joined the chorus of castigation, promising his support to Israel after taking the oath of office in January. He followed up with a bizarre and confusing statement explaining the importance of an independent Jewish state to America: “Murderous Jews facilitated Jesus’ resurrection, they’re pushing Muslims into the sea where they belong, and I’d rather have them living in their own country, especially since they control Hollywood and celebrities won’t perform at my inauguration party.”

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Conway: Immigration Ban Covers All Non-Christian Religions


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a recent CNN interview, Kellyanne Conway clarified that Trump’s proposed immigration ban would encompass much more than a Muslim registry. Civil rights activists have fretted over the possibility that Trump would enforce a census, reminiscent of 1940’s Germany, to identify people of Islamic faiths for the purpose of deporting, exiling or even imprisoning them. Conway, Trump’s former campaign manager and newly appointed White House aide, explained that the president-elect would not pursue a ban exclusive to those of Muslim affiliation. “That would be myopic,” Conway remarked. “President Trump’s security plan is more sweeping; it will cover any religions or countries that have attacked us in the past. So that would include England, Japan, Mexico, Indians -- Tontos, not Gandhis -- and many more.”

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Flynn: Festive NSA Program Intercepts Christmas Lists, Sends Them to Santa


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In 2013, The Washington Post obtained documents indicating that the National Security Agency (NSA) gathers nearly five billion records each day that track the locations of users around the world. The data was provided by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden. On December 21, a massive breach of Yahoo’s servers revealed more clandestine scanning of user emails at the behest of U.S. intelligence agencies, who anticipate loosening recently enforced privacy protections in a Trump administration. But the NSA wants Americans to know that data-mining expeditions serve a greater, more benevolent goal. So as a special holiday treat, new National Security Adviser Michael Flynn said the NSA will send Santa Claus the Christmas lists of every child whose records have been intercepted by government systems.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Trump Torture Czars Publish Christmas Parenting Guide


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) took a lot of heat in 2014 when a congressional investigation uncovered irrefutable proof of a brutal “enhanced interrogation” program, which was implemented to extract information from suspected enemy combatants. Despire efforts from the Obama administration to curb government-sanctioned torture, key members of President-elect Trump’s cabinet want those practices reinstated. Appointees in top security roles have made provocative statements about the legitimate use of “severe interviewing protocols” as necessary, effective and ultimately benign; most suspects survive the ordeal with only lingering neurological scars. To prove it, Trump’s policy masterminds have partnered with the torture czars behind the CIA initiative to demonstrate the positive outcomes of rendition. On Tuesday, they published a guide to help parents who are struggling with naughty children -- just in time for Christmas!

Monday, December 19, 2016

Potato Jesus Artist to Paint Trump Presidential Portrait


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- When Barack Obama first took office in 2009, the talents of Beyoncé and Aretha Franklin were prominently displayed at the inauguration. President-elect Donald Trump has not enjoyed the same attention from celebrities or managed to attract star performers to serenade him. Compounding the growing dilemma, Trump’s transition team has also struggled to entice artists to paint the presidential portrait. On Monday, however, they announced the commission of the only dauber willing to capture Trump’s essence in oils: Doña Cecilia Giménez, the mastermind behind the controversial restoration of the Ecce Homo (Behold the Man) fresco in Spain, more popularly known as “Potato Jesus” or “Ecce Mono (Behold the Monkey).”

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Perry to Overhaul Energy Department with Faith-based Policies


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For many conservatives, Trump’s appointment of former Gov. Rick Perry (R-Texas) to head the Department of Energy (DOE) was welcome news. Unlike the aloof scientists Obama selected to run the organization previously, Perry has impressive credentials that appeal to Trump’s broader base. Perry, during his failed 2012 campaign for president, vowed to abolish the DOE. The department presented such an obstacle to economic and military expansion that Perry forgot its name when calling for its closure. More importantly, he rejects “junk science” theories such as climate change, gravity, Ohm’s law and anything not referenced in the Bible. He also holds the gubernatorial record for killing criminals, having executed over 234 felons, minorities and mentally ill individuals during his tenure. That makes him an excellent figurehead to oversee the country’s nuclear weapons cache in an era of increased global strife, terrorism, unarmed blacks, immigrants, Muslims and independent women.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Aleppo Deal Reached with Casket Maker to Evacuate Civilians


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Officials from Turkey and Moscow announced the formal cessation of hostilities in war-ravaged Aleppo on Tuesday. Beginning Wednesday morning, “civilians and moderate rebels with light weapons” will have safe escort to the Idlib province, Turkish sources said. Russia’s U.N. ambassador also confirmed that military actions in the region had ended. Despite the welcome news, countless families have said they will not flee, rejecting displacement in favor of remaining at peril to rebuild the ruins of their home. Leaders in Moscow assured the world that these civilians would also be evacuated safely by Russian troops, the guarantors of the truce. In a deal struck with an American small business late Monday evening, Russia will gain access to “personal storage and relocation vessels” provided by BasketCase, a manufacturer of discount caskets.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Trump Plans Border Security with Leading Bald Supervillains

Trump Meets with Blofeld, Dr. Evil, The Gunslinger and Lex Luthor

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In the first week of October, President-elect Donald Trump met with key members of the National Border Patrol Council to secure the group’s endorsement for his plans to build a wall along the United States-Mexico border. Images from the forum -- featuring white, balding, middle-aged men -- resembled a comic book panel of villainous masterminds plotting the overthrow of the Justice League. But mainstream media once again missed the mark by describing the gathering as “Trump with Four Lex Luthors.” More astute reporters would have noticed one Lex Luthor accompanied by Blofeld, Dr. Evil and The Gunslinger.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Liberals Sabotage Christmas Parade, Replace Santa with Holiday Man

holiday man

F. Chester Greene is a prominent local businessman, Republican Party leader, community leader, NRA member and write-in presidential candidate.

EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This past weekend, the impressionable youngsters of Bennington Vale and its surrounding communities, with the exception of North Viaduct, eagerly anticipated the discovery of gifts under Santa’s tree at the annual CHRISTmas Parade -- an event I took great pains in helping to plan, but which an insidious faction of fifth columnists perverted behind the scenes. What our children found instead of goodies were carnage and the cruel remnants of religious intolerance from a liberal insurgency of anti-American Clinton supporters -- most likely from the, let’s say, more diverse North Viaduct area. This “colorful lot” turned joy into disaster as the festivities spiralled into an abyss of injuries and rioting, reminiscent of the German Love Parade stampede in July and the Walmart closure in May for renovations. City officials attributed the problems to the inadequate disposal of medical needles, misprinted signage and the horrifying presence of the “Holiday Man.”

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Pearl Harbor Anniversary: Trump's Emotional Homage to Japanese Prison Camps


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It was exactly 75 years ago Wednesday that Japanese fighters bombed Pearl Harbor, a U.S. naval base located in Hawaii. It was this unfathomable sneak attack on December 7, 1941, that propelled the United States into World War II. The gravity of the anniversary was not lost on President-elect Donald Trump. He spent the early part of the day appointing Scott Pruitt, the most rabid climate change denier he could find, to steer the Environmental Protection Agency’s (EPA) new direction. Afterward, Trump and newly anointed Security Adviser Michael Flynn met quietly in Hawaii. They commemorated the day by paying homage to the resilient Americans who rose up to protect the nation. Teary eyed, Trump and Flynn praised the ingenious men and women behind the construction of Japanese-American internment camps, the “unsung heroes in our hour of need.”

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Trump Names Ben Carson, Only Urban Guy He Knows, to Run HUD


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President-elect Donald Trump announced his selection for secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Monday. Retired neurosurgeon and former presidential candidate Ben Carson accepted the post, where he will directly oversee “cleansing the brown scourge” that has overtaken and blighted the nation’s inner cities. Although Dr. Carson brings no experience running government programs, sprawling bureaucracies or initiatives supporting diversity, he is an African American who grew up in an inner city. Trump’s transition team explained that Carson is uniquely qualified to lead HUD as “the only urban person Mr. Trump knows and is not frightened by.” Carson has already promised radical overhauls of HUD programs after January.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Obamacare Killing Jobs for Millennials by Keeping Old Workers Alive


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday, the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) released its December jobs report. Data revealed a drop in the national unemployment rate to 4.6 percent, its lowest point in over nine years. Job growth, meanwhile, continued to climb for the 74th consecutive month. However, Vice President-elect Mike Pence (R-Ind.) and House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) both told news outlets this weekend that President Obama’s crushing regulatory policies, especially the Affordable Care Act (ACA), have crippled employment opportunities. Liberal critics were quick to point out the logical flaw in their arguments. Ryan and Pence defended their statements Monday, noting that Obamacare has played a direct and detrimental role in promoting longevity. As older workers enjoy longer and more salubrious lives, they are less likely to retire or die, leaving Millennials with no long-term job prospects.

Friday, December 2, 2016

2016 Christmas Parade Public Safety Announcement


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It’s that magical time of year again! And just as our Dear Leader Donald Trump will make America Great Again, your San Narciso County Police Department, in conjunction with San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce, wants to restore the greatness and safety of your post-Obama holiday season. The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 3, 2016. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. Such property includes tables, American flags large enough to drift into the floats, crosses over four feet in height, cross set ablaze (fire officials have canceled this patriotic display due to anticipated wind conditions), unattended children, domestic housekeeping staff, migrant landscapers and the elderly. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The event begins at 6:00 p.m and concludes at 9:00 p.m., with streets reopening 40 minutes later. A complete set of rules follows.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Secretary of State Petraeus to Reinvestigate Gen. Petraeus’ Email Scandal


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although Donald Trump’s cabinet is slowly coming together, his transition team struggles to fill key positions. Trump recently interviewed disgraced former CIA Director David Petraeus for the role of Secretary of State. After the meeting, Trump told reporters that he was “very impressed” with the retired general, who is currently on probation for distributing classified government intelligence through personal email servers. In 2012, Petraeus uncovered his own affair after discovering incriminating emails he sent to a woman. He said Secretary of State Petraeus would reopen his investigation into Gen. Petraeus’ wrongdoing to ensure no conflict of interest. He also discussed the possibility of imposing an even harsher sentence on himself based on the renewed findings.
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