Thursday, December 22, 2016

Conway: Immigration Ban Covers All Non-Christian Religions


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a recent CNN interview, Kellyanne Conway clarified that Trump’s proposed immigration ban would encompass much more than a Muslim registry. Civil rights activists have fretted over the possibility that Trump would enforce a census, reminiscent of 1940’s Germany, to identify people of Islamic faiths for the purpose of deporting, exiling or even imprisoning them. Conway, Trump’s former campaign manager and newly appointed White House aide, explained that the president-elect would not pursue a ban exclusive to those of Muslim affiliation. “That would be myopic,” Conway remarked. “President Trump’s security plan is more sweeping; it will cover any religions or countries that have attacked us in the past. So that would include England, Japan, Mexico, Indians -- Tontos, not Gandhis -- and many more.”

Terrorists Are Like Pokemon: Gotta Catch ‘Em All

Trump has been somewhat vague about his overall strategy for security screenings. During his campaign, he repeatedly drew attention to ISIS attacks on Christians in the Middle East. Last December, he offered his now infamous call to halt U.S. immigration for Muslims as a response to terrorism. Lately, Trump has expanded those sentiments to include barring anyone from “terror-prone states” to enter the country.

“Terrorists come in many colors, ideologies, shapes, sizes and faiths,” Conway said. “As Mr. Trump told us in Wednesday’s briefing, they’re like Pokemon -- a dangerous assortment of wildly different creatures with destructive powers unique to their species. And like Pokemon, we’ve got to catch them all. And stuff them inside little prisons.”

During his stirring tribute to Japanese internment camps this December 7, the 75th anniversary of the Pearl Harbor attacks, Trump hinted at the policy shift Conway discussed Thursday.

“Who attacked America?” Trump asked. “Asians. Non-Christians. None of them. Japs, Chinamen, Indians, the ones with dots not feathers, and Koreans -- I think they’re some kind of Oriental, too -- they don’t worship Jesus. They pray to weird animals and elephant heads and fat guys and read their bibles backward. Think about that. Of course they read backward. They’re anti-American. And the Japanese invented suicide bombing. That’s not a coincidence.”

To tackle terrorism on a global scale, Conway explained, Trump officials will look beyond one religion to scrutinize countries of terrorist origin. The administration aims to identify nations that have produced or sponsored training for terrorists. It will examine the prevailing religions in those regions and isolate foreign players that have attacked the United States in the past.

“This won’t be exclusive to the typical bad actors or rogue states,” Conway said. “Any attacks on America from abroad, whether physical or symbolic, will be taken into consideration.”

The Enemy is Everywhere

According to The Atlantic’s Geography of Terrorism, bolstered by data from WorldAtlas, the top five terror-producing countries are Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Nigeria and Syria. Conway acknowledged the damage inflicted by these predominantly Islamic nations, but urged Americans to keep a more open mind about the perils that even Western governments pose.

“To win the global war on terror, we mustn’t think solely in terms of Muslims,” Conway cautioned. “We need to embrace a broader perspective, such as Mr. Trump’s.”

In addition to Japan’s bombing of Hawaii, Conway cited British incursions into the original colonies, which led to occupation and full-scale war. She noted that Hessian troops, hailing from Germanic provinces, abetted Great Britain and would be held equally accountable.

Mexico’s involvement in the Alamo was just one illustration of the many armed conflicts launched by our neighbor south of the border. Conway further referenced the ongoing hostilities of indigenous aggressors who have been battling U.S. citizens since Columbus reached the nation’s shores.

“You can poke fun at the ‘Cowboys and Indians’ mentality all you want, but that strife is alive and well today,” Conway noted. “Look at the violence and disruption caused by the Standing Rock tribe. Their reservations are considered sovereign land, outside the purview of the federal government. That makes them a foreign power -- one that attempted to take over U.S. lands through force. And they won. They stopped the construction of resources designed to spur job growth and provide real American families with energy and fuel.”

Conway indicated that Trump’s wide-reaching immigration reforms would span countless religions, ethnicities and countries of origin, where the roots of terror are sown. To highlight the incoming administration’s commitment and scope, Conway read from Trump’s revised U.S. Constitution, Amendment One:

The President shall make no law respecting an establishment of dangerous religions, or permitting the free exercise thereof. This includes Islam, Shinto, Buddhism, Judaism, Greek Mythology, Roman Mythology, Scientology, the Cult of Cthulhu, anything African, voodoo, Santeria, all that Chinese stuff, Catholicism, tribal Earth worship, pantheism, paganism, Druids, Harry Potter, the Jedi, the Church of the SubGenius, that place in Twin Peaks, Sikhism, and the dark gods of LGBTQ acolytes.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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