SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the 2016 presidential election just a day away, both candidates have hit the campaign trail for one last appeal to undecided voters. Hillary Clinton’s substantial lead over Donald Trump fell briefly after FBI Director James Comey’s shocking decision to revisit the investigation into her private emails. However, after officials confirmed again that Clinton had engaged in no criminal wrongdoing, her margin widened. The announcement also bolstered investor confidence in the markets, leading to a surge in economic forecasts. For Trump, who continues to race across key battleground states, the polls’ shift toward Clinton could spell fresh travails. Not to be overshadowed on election eve, the erratic Republican stunned Americans by leaking a copy of his revised U.S. Constitution while shouting, “Stick this in your pocket, Khizr Khan!” Trump has vowed to implement the new laws within a week of his election. A transcript follows.
United States, Inc. © 2016
PreambleWe the Shareholders of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Corporation, establish Order, insure Gross Domestic Productivity, provide for the common defense, eliminate Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Unregulated Liberty to our Executives and our Posterity, do amend and establish this Constitution for the United States of America, Incorporated -- a Division of Trump International Realty, all rights reserved 2016.
Section 1All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in the President of the United States, which shall consist of Donald J. Trump.
The rest of this stuff, a bunch of garbage about Congress, has been omitted as irrelevant under the revision of Article 1.
Section 1The executive Power shall be vested in the President of the United States of America, Inc. He shall hold his Office for as long as Shareholders and Board Members determine. Upon a vote of no confidence, criminal offense, fraud, voluntary resignation or other circumstances of Termination, the President shall leave his post and receive a sum of $2 billion in deductible performance payments, earned bonuses, and stock awards.
Section 2The President shall have the Power to make whatever decisions He wants. If subordinates don’t like it, they can quit and get a new job at McDonald’s. The rest of this Article is no longer applicable.
Article IIIThe judicial Power of the United States, shall be vested in one supreme Court, whose Justices are elected by the President of the United States. The Judges shall hold their Offices during good Behaviour, and shall, at stated Times, receive for their Services, a Compensation, which shall not be diminished during their Continuance in Office. The judges shall be qualified and well versed in Beauty Pageants, ensuring the implementation and sustainability of sorely needed Aesthetic and Moral standards for Real Americans.
Amendment IThe President shall make no law respecting an establishment of dangerous religions, or permitting the free exercise thereof. This includes Islam, Shinto, Buddhism, Judaism, Greek Mythology, Roman Mythology, Scientology, the Cult of Cthulhu, anything African, voodoo, Santeria, all that Chinese stuff, Catholicism, tribal Earth worship, pantheism, paganism, Druids, Harry Potter, the Jedi, the Church of the SubGenius, that place in Twin Peaks, Sikhism, and the dark gods of LGBTQ acolytes.
Freedom of speech provisions are hereby replaced by the following policy from the Trump International Realty Employee’s Handbook:
The United States of America, Inc. (hereafter referred to as “Company”) reserves the right to monitor the use by citizens (hereafter referred to as “employees”) of Company telephones, computer networks, and electronic mail systems, Company premises and any Company property. Monitoring may be performed by observation, or through aural, mechanical, electronic, video or other means. Monitoring may take place on a regular or random basis and will be used to monitor an employee's civic or social performance, for training or quality control purposes, and to insure that an employee is not using Company property, equipment or computers in an unauthorized manner.
Amendment IIGuns are necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, of any caliber or make or manual/automatic operation, shall not be infringed.
Amendment IIIThis soldier stuff doesn’t even make sense. Are we saying soldiers can’t live in houses? That’s terrible, I mean that’s a terrible way to treat our military. This is what’s wrong with the laws of the land. Forget the third Amendment. It’s fired.
Amendment IVFrom the Trump International Realty Employee’s Handbook:
In order to assure access at all times to United States of America, Inc. (hereafter referred to as “Company”) property, and because employees are lawfully in possession of Company property or information related to Company business and may not always be available to produce the property or information when needed in the ordinary course of the Company's business, the Company reserves the right to conduct a routine inspection or search at any time for Company property on Company premises to ensure compliance with its rules and regulations, without notice to the staff and/or in the citizen’s (hereafter referred to as “employee”) absence. In addition, the Company reserves the right to access at all times information and communications stored in Company computer files and on Company disk-drives, and in employee voice mail and e-mail boxes and internet records. All desks, drawers, cabinets or other enclosures on Company premises are Company property and the Company may inspect at anytime without notice. Employees are not to assume that any portion of Company premises or Company property, equipment, desks, filing cabinets or computers are private or confidential to the Employee.
Amendment VThis is such a convoluted and pompous collection of empty legalese. Look folks, here’s how this works. You can’t be convicted twice for the same offense. So, if you groped a woman’s genitals or raped a child, and you already settled out of court, you can do it again without getting in trouble. You also don’t have to answer any questions by police, lawyers, judges, the IRS, or federal investigators. You just say, “I plead the Fifth.”
Amendment VIIn all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a quick and private trial by a jury of his peers. Let’s face it, most of the hobos and fatties you see in the jury box aren’t folks from your circles. So, you get to select your own jury from now on.
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Amendment IXThe enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by heterosexual people of Christian faith.
Amendment XStates’ rights. The leaders of a state can pretty much do whatever they want with tax revenues, and can privatize any public agency for the sake of efficiency and profit. Additional provisions follow from the Trump International Realty Employee’s Handbook:
The United States of America, Inc. (hereafter referred to as “Company”) encourages citizens (hereafter referred to as “employees”) to bring up any questions or complaints you have about terms or conditions of employment or the application of a Company policy. Usually, the place to start in answering a question or resolving a concern is with your state official (hereafter referred to as “Supervisor/Manager”). He or she (but mostly he) is expected to listen to your question or concern and get back to you with an answer or response. You should express such views in a calm, reasonable, and constructive manner.
While supervisors and managers have certain authority, no supervisor or representative of the Company has any authority to enter into any expressed or implied agreement for continuing or long-term citizenship or civil rights (hereafter referred to as “employment”). Employment with the Company is based on the mutual consent of each employee and the Company. Employment can be terminated at will, with or without cause or notice, at any time, at the option of either the Company or the employee. No agreement to the contrary is valid, unless it is in writing and signed by the President of the Company.
Amendment XIImmigrants and foreigners have no power to interfere in the legal affairs of U.S. citizens. Period.
Amendment XIIThe whole election process is rigged. I’m going to do something about that, something amazing and great and powerful. You’ll see. I’ve got a plan, a great plan, to reform these rigged elections. Forget everything you’ve heard before about Amendment XII. I’m unveiling a radical overhaul to prevent crooked politicians like Hillary Clinton from rigging any more elections. I can’t say when I’ll reveal my new plan, but I will and it will be a surprise.
Amendment XIVAll persons born
Amendment XVThe right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State, as long as those people have proper ID.
Amendment XVIThe President shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration. He also reserves the power to cut or eliminate taxes on job creators and wealthy consumers without regard to any census or enumeration.
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Amendment XVIIINope. Didn’t we get rid of this? I mean, like at the end of The Untouchables or Boardwalk Empire?
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Amendment XXISo stupid. I knew Eliot Ness got rid of Amendment 18.
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Amendment XXIVSee Amendment XII.
Amendment XXVIn case of the removal of the President from office or of his death or resignation, his children or family beneficiaries or trustees shall take over the running of the operations of the United States of America, Incorporated. A bronze statue of the departed President shall be erected in the front of every federal, state, and local government office in the country.
Amendment XXVIThe President will end the War on Christmas once and for all.
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(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.