Thursday, November 17, 2016

Sessions Would Bolster Defense with Proven Plan from 17th Century Salem


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Director of National Intelligence James Clapper on Thursday informed the House Select Committee on Intelligence that he had tendered his letter of resignation the previous night. Clapper brought over 50 years of military and intelligence community work to his position, serving as President Obama’s chief adviser on security matters both foreign and domestic. A replacement has not been named, but sources believe Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) could be tapped to serve as Secretary of Defense. If he assumes this new mantel in the Trump administration, he will have significant influence over already contentious security and intelligence policies. And according to sources, Sessions has already proposed a radical overhaul of existing anti-terrorism strategies based on “historical and scientifical” interrogation plans developed in 17th Century Salem, Mass.

Sessions Opens New Session of Salem Security Practices

Clapper’s announcement arrives at a time of disarray for President-elect Trump. Mike Pence has taken over the responsibilities of the transition team, and selections have been plagued by reversals, abrupt changes, dismissals and an ongoing air of uncertainty. Experts anticipate that Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.), the fifth most conservative congressman and rabid Trump supporter, will take over as Secretary of Defense.

Sessions brings a Southern old-timey, Old Testament approach to modern issues, fiercely opposing equal rights, LGBT rights, women’s rights, federally funded assistance, socialist emergency relief programs and environmental protections. He once told reporters that scientific validation of climate change “offended” him.

Sen. Sessions has never offered apologies for his skepticism about certain “facts” that scientists have purported to prove, but he has disputed the label “anti-science” -- even among those within the ranks of the Republican Party.

“Sen. Sessions would like to remind his detractors that theories such as evolution and global climate change remain contested by some scientists, and are not indisputably proven,” said Doug Himmelwald, a former Alabama legislator and alleged confidante of the senator. “However, to demonstrate that he is a proponent of science -- specifically, established science that has stood the test of time and which has its roots in real American history -- Jeff Sessions is proposing a very scientifical plan to combat the credible threats confronting upstanding Americans in this chaotic era.”

Although controversial and derided by intelligence experts, Sessions’ leaked “Counter-terrorism Crucible” has been embraced by Trump officials. The plan’s methodology is predicated on the enhanced interrogation techniques used throughout Salem, Mass., during America’s founding,

Himmelwald clarified that Sessions’ approach would be equally conservative and grounded in time-tested scientific techniques: “All this new DHS stuff is still too fresh to tell if it’s really gonna send terrorists packing. Or if criminalizing hand lotion is gonna keep ISIS off the airplanes. Or if re-opening Jap internment camps for Muslims won’t stop them from breeding. I mean, what else are they gonna do in those pens? Rutting like animals, I swear. That’s why Jeff is proposing a counter-terrorism model that we know works. It’s in the history books. It’s been around since the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. Now that’s science people can believe in.”

Enhanced Interrogation, Old Fashioned American Style

Between February 1692 and May 1693, a series of hearings were held in colonial Massachusetts to prosecute people accused of high treason and internal terrorism in the counties of Essex, Suffolk and Middlesex. The best-known trials were conducted by the Court of Oyer and Terminer in 1692 in Salem Town.

Over 150 people were arrested and imprisoned. All 26 who went to trial were convicted. The four sessions of the Superior Court of Judicature in 1693 produced only three convictions in the 31 trials it conducted. Nineteen of the accused, 14 women and six men, were executed. Given the large ratio of those accused to those found guilty and put to death, Sessions determined that the historical precedent presented a fair, just and efficient system of counter-terrorism. Using both the original practices of America’s first generations and those of modern day conservatives, Sessions’ plan has been crafted with a similarly multi-pronged approach.

Terrorist Cake

Enhanced interrogation techniques, according to numerous experts, offer dubious records of producing meaningful intelligence. Himmelwald said Sessions believes that more scientific methods can be applied to reveal terrorists without employing tactics such as waterboarding, which cause suspects to confess anything, whether true or not, to end the torture.

The Counter-terrorism Crucible endorses the making of a Terrorist Cake as the first step in identifying enemy combatants. The cake, fashioned from rye meal and the urine of suspected terrorists, is fed to a dog. When the dog eats the cake, a true terrorist will suffer injury because invisible particles of his terrorism remain in the urine, thereby linking his soul directly to the dog. If the suspect cries out in pain when the dog gnashes the cake, he can be prosecuted as a terrorist.

Terrorist Touch Test

One of the most successful interrogation techniques of 1692 was the Touch Test. The interrogation consisted of a suspected terrorist touching a community member of unimpeachable purity. The prevailing science of the day established that the dark soul of a terrorist could manifest physically and be transmitted by fingertip. If the subject went into fits after being touched, the terrorist was taken away and executed.

Capitalizing on the proven track record of this test, Sessions’ model exposes the child of a dyed-in-the-wool, patriotic, Christian American to a suspected terrorist.

“He did a lot of trial and error on this one,” Himmelwald explained of Sessions’ methodology. “He brought in a bunch of different Americans and had them touch the children. In nearly every instance, the children were unaffected. However, when exposed to the touch of a Middle Eastern person in Muslim attire, homemade bombs and gun belts, the children broke out into sobs and visible fits -- proof of terrorism in the touch.”

Trial by Water

Admittedly used in only extreme instances, this final approach is considered the most effective. In Trial by Water, a suspected terrorist is heavily weighted and then thrown into a deep pool. One of two outcomes is possible. The terrorist will attempt to be pulled from the pool in order to confess, or the terrorist will drown.

“But here’s the thing,” Himmelwald emphasized. “If the suspect drowns and floats to the top, then we know he was innocent. Greater rewards therefore await him in the Kingdom of Heaven, and we sleep soundly in the knowledge that we have released his soul to a better hereafter. But if that suspect drops to the bottom, then we know he was an unholy enemy of the state, in league with the forces of the devil. And he ain’t gonna be blowing up no more buildings in our country.”

Himmelwald added that Sessions’ researchers were also exploring an alternative method using fire. Testing is still under way, but the operative theory suggests that an innocent suspect will burn to death and enter God’s embrace. A terrorist, however, will resist the flames and be promptly executed by a firing squad on hand.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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